My second post (1st one in wrong section). I have been reading some of the forums here and found some good advise. Now I have come to seek some advise on my marriage. Some 10 weeks ago my wife told me she was having and affair (the day before our 8th Wedding Anniversary). She wouldnt tell me who. Couple of days later I asked her again and she tells me it is the man (owner & 65yrs, she is 42yrs, I am 38yrs)she has been working with at a motel for the past 8 weeks. They have had sexual relations as well. She moves out 3 days later with the 3 boys (19,18 & 16). Moves into a house for them she says. This has hurt me deeply. In the first month I try to hard to repair the damage and push her farther away. She will not talk about the affair or him only that she feels more comfortable with him and at ease. No Pressure she says. At the moment she says she does not want to know me. I have backed off. I feel so much anxiety and hurt over this. Have read Plan A and B and I know plan A will not work at this stage becuase she will not leave the work were the OM is. She sees him everyday and I am not even in the picutre. To see the children I wait until she goes to work because I get upset seeing her. She states it should not have taken you 13 years to try and fix our relationship now. So have implemented Plan B and so far 8 days with no contact but this is hurting tremendously. I thought we had a good relationship but she does not think so. I know I am to blame for some of what has happened. She brings up the 3 one night stands I had before we were married all the time, if and when we do talk and raising the 13 yrs to fix things. You talk about the same thing all the time and re hash it. Get over it she says. Go out and get a girlfriend. Get on with your life. I am at a loss to know what to do. I am falling apart at the seams. She will not go to counselling. Any advise?

HI Mawson,<BR> TAKE a DEEP BREATH, CALM DOWN, you came to the right place. There are good people here that can help. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! <P> Your story is SOO much like mine (OM 61 W 47 I am 45) but also you will find that ALL affairs have similarities. The ages and specifics don't always mean anything here. <BR> <BR> My Wife had a bad relationship with her Father, do you know of your W's with her's?<BR> She may be looking for a father figure, some sort of connection with an older man that she didn't get with her F. <BR> <P> My W is also living with OM (other man) and is saying things similar to your W.<BR> She's content, she doesn't feel threatened etc.... She also says, She's lost, she's hurting too So you can see she's confused, so is your W, believe me she is!!<P> NOW THIS IS IMPORTANT!!! You should go back to plan A. Write to her, leave little thoughtful gifts for her, flowers etc...<BR> The reason is you MUST deposit LOVE in her heart (Love bank) It's WAY too soon to try Plan B because, at least right now, she thinks she made the right move. She may even THINK she hates you.<BR> <BR> Go back and read Plan A & B again. READ READ READ all you can about affairs so you understand better WHY she did this and then comes the hard part:<BR> YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND WHAT YOOUUUU DID TO HELP THIS HAPPEN!! As you find out tell your W. Do it in a letter if she won't talk.<BR> <BR> I FULLY understand your feelings on this. I have had a LOT of anger towards my W for her affair. THEN, I found out how in SOOOO many ways it was as much MY fault as her's!!! <BR>OUCH!! That hurt! And to this day (She's living with OM after I made her leave)<BR>I STILL find things I did to HER to hurt her and close her spirit to me!!!<P>She was really WEAK and surcame to temptation, HOWEVER, it was MY job as her H to meet her needs and make her FEEL wanted needed sexy etc.. and I FAILED HER. <P>UNTIL you come to terms with WHAT YOU DID to create the environment necessary for your W to fall prey to an affair. You will: HATE OM, HATE your W (How could she do this to me!!!) and mostly, HATE YOURSELF AND FEEL useless!! Once you do, THEN you must FIRST forgive YOURSELF and that my friend, will (in the long run) be as hard as forgiving your W!! BELIEVE it or NOT!! <P>I have forgiven my W and believe that God allowed this in our Marriage to heal us and mostly to WAKE ME UP!! I have forgiven OM because "He knows not what he's done" NO ONE can relate but the "betrayed" NO ONE can believe how much it hurts but US!! I'm TRYING to forgive myself......<P> THIS IS THE PLACE TO:<P>YELL <P>SCREAM <P>CRY <P>VENT <P>ASK QUESTIONS <P>GET MAD [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/mad.gif[/img]<P>GET EVEN [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/mad.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/mad.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/mad.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/mad.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/tongue.gif[/img] <P>GET STRONGER [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/wink.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/cool.gif[/img] <P>GET BETTER!!!!!! [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/shocked.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/mad.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/frown.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/grin.gif[/img] <P>GET HER BACK [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/grin.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/grin.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/grin.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/grin.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/grin.gif[/img] (we hope)<P> Save these things for here!!<P> Again, you have come to the right place!!<P> IT'S NOT TO LATE TO TRY!! YOU CAN DO THIS!!! PRAY PRAY PRAY PRAY, We will be praying WITH you. With GOD all things are possible!!! <P> GOOD LUCK AND POST AS MUCH AS YOU NEED TO. GOOD LUCK & PRAYERS FRANK<P><BR> <BR> <p>[This message has been edited by PLEASE HELP (edited April 25, 2000).]

Hi, Mawson - glad you got here, too!!<P>I see Frank got to you first - good for him. He does know what he's talking about.<P>OK, now go to the "just found out" board and look for Jim's (NSR) "Notable threads/Posts" thread. Read the links he has there. You'll find a WHOLE lot of good information there. It'll help to give you a plan. Check it all out, there's bits and pieces of good stuff everywhere in those threads.<P>Glad you're keeping you chin up!!! (I checked in on you in EN) You can do this. It takes time and perseverance and more patience and fortitude than we ever thought we could muster, but you CAN do it!!<P>And like I said before, it's more than worth the effort.<P>Love and hugs,<P>Lori

Mawson, it's been five weeks for me, but your story is the basically the same. I feel like today is the first day I've had a clear head since D-Day; I hope your day comes soon, too. You do need to get on with your life to a point; do things for yourself. I bought some new clothes and bought all the food 'I' like to eat at the grocery store last night; I'm saving it for this weekend when the kids are with their mother (hehe). Can't wait to eat that Jambalaya! You don't have to feel guilty about things that you used to; take the time to make yourself feel better. It helps.<BR> Also, when you talk to her, stick to Plan A like PH and Lori suggested. It's the hardest thing I've ever tried to do, and most of the time I haven't been successful (so far). I'm rejected, dejected, and disconnected, but I steer the conversations away from rehashing the past and repeating things that have already been said. It'll take some acting on your part, but at least it's not Shakespeare.<BR> She wants you to get on with your life; do that, but also do what you need to do with her if you want a new beginning in your relationship. It'll make you feel better and you'll be a better person in the long run just for trying.<P>theo<P>(wow, I'm learning a lot!)<P>

Tks for all advise. Her father and mother died when she was about 20yrs. I dont know what sort of relationship she had with her father (my fault never asked). I keep reading Plan A & B over and over again trying to keep the wheels on and stop them falling off. I have forgiven her and the OM for what has happened, I have even confronted OM twice since the big day. He wont give up either which makes me more determined not to give up. The last time I probably gave him more ammunition to keep us apart, at least I told her I did this. (Probably bad move) but she would have found otu anyway. That was 9 days ago. I don't feel guilty, I know I am partly to blame probably half I can accept that it takes TWO to make or break a relationship. I have written two letters to her since break up but receive no replies or feedback (this is the hard part). Sent her Easter Eggs too (no reply). I do beleive that she really does not know what she wants as she has not told me to really get lost, am still paying all bils here for house etc. She says she needs this for the boys and her thats why she didnt move in with OM. But know to compound the problem she has a boarder move into the house she is renting. It is a 17yr woman that she also works with. I dont know whether this is good or bad maybe she spends some more time with her than him now. Am keeping a journal now and this site has been a great enlightenment to what I have done. In the letters I focus more on I statements so as not to put pressure on her. Have asked what emotional needs I have not met etc. No replies. Good days and bad days come and go but am keeping focused on trying to repair our relationship. I live in HOPE. I am learing a lot.

Mawson,<BR> Her NOT answering your letters or not even metioning them is COMMON believe it or not. My W, doesn't mention them at all. BUT, she has never told me to stop either. <P> I take this as a good sign for you. BELIEVE me, the message gets though, keep it up. It has worked for Lori (H came home doing great no contact with OW for a long time! Praise God) and others here.I have even seen a little progress with my cards and letters and little gifts.<BR> There are seldom LEAPS and bounds in the begining. When it DOES happen, it's usually followed by a HUGE turn for the worse.<P> This is a roller coaster ride like you've NEVER experenced my friend. STRAP IN TIGHT!!<P> It's one step forward, one step back. Two steps forward, one step back etc...<P> BABY STEPS is the best you can hope for at this point. Just one thing YOU MUST STAY CONSISTANT, VERY CONSISTANT.<BR> If not, your W will feel that things will go back to "BEFORE" the BAD before I mean.<P> She will test you, probe, pick, stab and stomp on you. SHE WILL DO THIS MOSTLY OUT OF GUILT. IF YOU LOVE HER, and I know you do, DON'T GIVE IN TO THIS AND RETALIATE WITH ANGRY WORDS. <BR> It will just give her justification for the affair. Remember, YELL HERE!! Not at her (although you may feel she deserves it and she MAY!!) DON'T. Keep reading and ask away!! <P>GOOD LUCK & PRAYERS FRANK<BR> <P>------------------<BR>desperate<BR>"If yesterday didn't stop today, Why should TODAY stop tomorrow??" <BR>"Wisdom is why!!"<P>

Hey Mawson, I sent Robert letters (beginning about November) every single week while he was living with PT. NONE of them talked about us. News of stuff happening with daughter, funny things I heard, really entertaining little things (I worked REALLY hard on them). I always ended them with a simple "I love you." <P>He never acknowledged receiving a single one. Not a word. And I never asked. BUT.....the week before he asked to come home (which, btw, was out of the blue!), he called (he had started calling a bit - yayyy!) and during the conversation said "Thanks for all the cards and letters, they were really sweet!" You could have knocked me over with a feather!!!!! AND I found out he kept them all. <P>So....the little things you do really do make an impression; it just takes a while for them to sink in.<P>Hang in there. It's a long ride.<P>Hugs,<P>Lori

Update, <BR>sat down and wrote a non LB'ing letter of two pages yesterday and hand delivered it with a bunch of carnations. She was not home when I went around so left them in/on the mailbox. Didn't really expect phone call after that but lived in hope. Today (12 days of no contact) received phone call whilst I was at work, small chit chat stuff how r u etc, what doing, I didnt let on much what I was doing, this and that I said cause she didnt let on what she was doing. Conversation was cheerie. Call was about 3 minutes and she didnt even mention whether she received anything. Said it was nice to hear her voice. "Don't read anything into it" she said. I'm not just wanted to say its nice to hear from you. "Have you got a girlfriend yet?" No was the reply from me. Then said ok bye. Thought about it then and thought I was being tested etc. I felt like s%$# after phone call. Was depressed for the rest of the day. As you all have said its a rollercoaster and strap yourself in for one hell of a ride.

update again ran accidentlilly into Spouse at shop today in town son was with her didnt even see her or him in there and son said hello and had to walk out lost it badly. Wept and she said you left abruptly then and i said i was shocked to see you in her and then she said you should expect that in a small town (30,000 populttion) guard was down cudnt talk at all then she left so cold was she

Just popping in to check on you.<P>I know how hard it is. Believe me, I know. Keep working on you, preparing for the unexpected contact and keep getting stronger.<P>Hang in there.<P>Lori

Major lovebuster yesterday. Had to bring up she was behind in car payments which she agreed to take over as well as new tv and mobile phone. is behind in car and tv. got phone call from credit provider. i knew as soon as i brought it up it would be a major lovebuster. talked about it to no avail. have car back with me to make payments and now she says that there is no way she is coming back. collected all her clothes and one more trip for rest of boys possesions yet to go. she still will not talk about it all after 11 weeks away. she will not leave OM or work where he owns the motel. then today OM rings me and says wants to talk about what happened. I was so angered by his arogance. i knew at the start she would not come back. she has been so cold throughout the whole affair no emotions, compassion at all. OM tells me to get on with my life and get over it. I nearly blew my lid. dropped property settlement letter over today she was not home. i am at a loss now.

I know you are feeling like all is lost. But you must remember that she is in a fantasy with this OM. And since you took the car back it sounds like she is trying to hurt you even more (seems a bit childish on her part). If OM contacts you again, make it clear VERBALLY that he is not a part of the equation of you and YOUR wife and that he is NOT to contact you again. Be as sweet as pie when you have to be in wife's presence. Hard YES, but don't sit around and wallow in self-pity, it will just eat at you in anger in resentment.