Hi<BR>a few people here unfortunately have suffered the pain of both initally being a betrayer and now being betrayed themselves years later.<P>I was wondering, was the pain of being betrayed on, more than you expected or realised when you were a betrayer?<P>also (previously), how long did it really take you to get over your pain and guilt etc of being a betrayer, until you never thought about it again?<P>how often do betrayers think of it?<P>many thanks

I was the betrayer 15 years ago and am now the betrayed. The person who betrayed me is the person I betrayed with. Got that?<P>Yes, the pain is greater than I could have imagined. I have come to realize that I did a terrible wrong about 10 years ago. I thought it was the best thing for both at the time, and I have changed a lot for the better since the first betrayal. It has been 15 years and I still think of it almost every day. Not to say that we did not get on with our lives and maybe we both have it better now. The pain went away mostly after about 5 years, but the guilt will be there forever. The pain started to go away when I came to realize what I had done. I still do feces type things to the 1st wife sometimes. I have thought about going and asking her forgiveness, but the kids don't think that would be a good idea right now.<P>I have four kids by my betrayed and two by my betrayer. The first kids are all teens or later now. Interesting, when this thing happened with the present wife, it brought up a lot of issues with my first kids that we all thought were settled. It has been a very tough road this last 6 months, but things are starting to smooth out a bit.

azure, I was on both sides and I don't think that the betrayer fully comprehends (at least I didn't) the pain that the betrayed go through until they have to suffer themselves. Now, if the betrayer has ever had a relationship before and was cheated on, they obviously have some idea as to the pain involved, but I do think that this is magnified when two people are married and share years of their lives and children together. <P>It's been several years since my affair has been over and although I'll always remember the guilt and pain I've caused (my h says the same), this does become slowly replaced with new memories with my husband. You can't have a healthy marriage without having some form of healing from the pain (both of being betrayed and betraying). And dwelling on what has happened just opens up the wounds, IMO.