Easter weekend with H and my family was a disaster. The OW is pressuring him to make a break and fully commit to her -- and he's miserable. <P> For those who aren't familiar,we've been married 9 yrs, we're "semi-separated," he's living 5 hours away, and visits me and 2 kids on weekends. Says he's in love with OW. May be staying with her on weekdays. <P> This has been going on over a year. He finally admitted PA 3 mos ago, and has been back and forth ever since. He refuses to break contact with her and work on our marriage. I'm dying. Have been attempting Plan A since Feb., have seen some positive results when I'm consistent, but a year of neglect and lies has taken its toll.<P> He's extremely attached to the kids, tho, and this has kept him from leaving us entirely. He's turned into a stranger through this -- his conscience is eating him alive, but the addiction is so strong. <P> Last night we had a conversation about us, and he's just so "unhappy" -- wants me to give him more space so he can make up his mind. Just can't live without her at this point. I'm tempted to switch to Plan B and cut him off -- IS THIS THE TIME? The pain is getting unbearable. <P> I'm not sure what giving him more space means -- not answering the phone when he calls several times a day from work? Telling him it's OK to live with OW? I've been pretty good about not asking questions, but I could probably do better with that...<P> I'm just so utterly discouraged right now. I just want a man who will follow through with his promises...who will not lie and cheat and hurt the ones he promised to protect and comfort. I'm tempted to bail...it's just too too painful.

To me it sounds like the OW is Love Busting if she's pressuring him into making a decision. Maybe you should just PLAN A some more until the OWs Love Bank at your H has come below a certain threshold?<P>scandinavian

Maybe your H is asking for space because his conscience can't handle you being so nice to him. The guilt is there. Only you know how much more your spirit can stand. If you think Plan B is what is needed so that he will see how he can't have his cake and eat it to then do so. BUT MAKE SURE YOU STICK TO IT. If you say no phone calls, then no phone calls, set up a schedule for the kids so that you won't have to see him, which increases the pain. Come here, vent, cry, scream and communicate.

Camryn, as I've been told several times before, it's wise do Plan A successfully in order for Plan B to work. Otherwise, you're not doing Plan B; you're just cutting off the communication without your husband having any positive feelings toward you. You're not just doing Plan A for his sake; you need to do it for you. Look up Sheba and heed her advice on some of the posts; she's good.<P> Have you made changes in your life to make coming back to you an attractive and viable option? Have you discussed the problems in your marriage and understand what your/his shortcomings were that brought you two to this point? Those questions need to be answered first before anything else can be addressed. Know what the problems are...<P> His comment on giving him more space is something you need to ask him; he is confused and feeling guilty...my W is pretty straightforward (and feels a mountain of guilt for the way things happened) about what she wants; have equal time with the kids, live with the OM, and agree on things ASAP so that the dissolution can be finalized within a few months. She's told me she's wanted time to herself to think and be her own person, but she moves in with the OM the night that she leaves (5 weeks ago). IMO, that's confusion. I've decided to stick with Plan A (no matter how much I would like to do Plan B because of the pain, hurt, etc.), because I want to make myself feel better. I'll go with it for as long as I feel I can...<P> I'm just trying to be helpful; apologies if my rookie status and personal crises has deemed me otherwise <P>theo

Camryn:<P>I don't know that I would completely bail and go to Plan B yet. I agree with scandinavian and t24g that he is probably getting beat up from both his conscience and from OW right now. If you can hang in there and not LB, I'd stick with Plan A.<P>Is it possible for you to not take one or so of the calls he makes during the day and then call him back? That way he would know you cared, but you would be able to control a bit more when you talk to him. Tell him that you know he is having a difficult time, but leave it at that. Could you try total support (no questions or mention of OW or PA at all) for a week? If he's teetering on the brink of coming back, seeing you as a loving alternative might be just what it takes.<P>Good luck in whatever decision you make! --HBC

Let her keep pressuring him and then she'll become a NAG to him.... I would follow the others advice and PLAN A. <BR>Read others posts here about making you're home a safe place, where he can be comfortable and not have nagging, disrespect and the rest... He may find that he would rather be spending more time with you than someone who is pressuring him... Let the OP look bad...<P>I'm no where near anything in my marriage(you can read my posts) but I would be there for him. Just my thoughts....s

Thanks everyone for coming to my rescue. I think I'll try to ignore all the upsetting stuff he said and stick with Plan A. <P> I do think I'll put a little distance there--don't answer all the phone calls and don't ask questions. I like the idea of doing a good Plan A for a week. He even suggested that if I really backed off he would probably come crawling back. Just needs to feel free to follow his feelings...<BR>I told him he was free. <P> I also said I was looking forward to getting my life back...that I hoped it would be with him, but if not, that was his choice. He said, "I hope so, too, I really do. I just have to work through this..."<P> Over the past year we've had endless conversations about where we went wrong. It's funny--like so many others here, I thought we had a great marriage. At least he never mentioned any problems. UNTIL the affair. <P> Then all of a sudden, "there have been problems for a long time." In counseling, we uncovered some areas that I'm working on...but the primary issue here is the OW, and we cannot work on the other issues until he breaks off with her for good. I'm doing my part, tho, as best I can -- and my inherent stubbornness is working in my favor. It's just that my heart is so shattered...<P> I can possibly understand him doing this to me -- but I absolutely cannot comprehend him doing this to his precious children, ages 7 & 8. Incidently, he still prides himself on being a good dad...great role model for the kids, right?

Well, I did it! Miraculously, I made it through today without LB. I didn't answer his calls all day (extremely difficult), then finally he e-mailed me from work with a terse statement, "been trying to reach you all day -- must talk." <P> I was bracing for the worst. I know he's probably spending time with OW, maybe overnight, now that I've "set him free." It's a knife in my stomach. <P> So when he called again tonight, I answered. And guess what? He sounded so relieved. Apparently, he wasn't counting on getting so much "space." I was sweet as can be...and NO QUESTIONS, NO DEMANDS. <P> HE brought up our situation and said, "I think it's going to work itself out...I'm probably in for a rude awakening...thanks for being patient." I just told him I'm trusting God (and on a previous day I added that God can kick his butt better than I can!) and I hope he had a good night.<P> Well, if I give him enough rope, maybe he'll hang himself. I'm back to Plan A....

Camryn, Just hang in there. Stay cool. I remember asking my H for his wedding ring. My parents had bought the bands, I told them they belonged to me. I'd melt them down, he wouldn't need his if was with her. I wouldn't need mine. He was sick. Said they meant too much to him. That told me he wasn't ready to totally ready to leave. Eventually he came backk, and says now how stupid he was.