For those of you who read Fulgore yesterday you know that I made a major mistake - I spent the day with the OM and then lied about it. As a result, I may actually get what I have thinking about and wanting since this all started a month ago - to be on my own.<P>I never meant to hurt my H, nor did I ever think I would have an affair. I always thought I was too stubborn to let things end, that I would stick through no matter what. I just finally got to the point where I didn't think I could try anymore.<P>He's asked me to move out, and I understand that. I know that if I were in his same situation I would have done the same. I haven't been fair to him, and I have apologized for that.<P>He is supposed to speak with a lawyer today about a divorce, and what rights we both have, etc. We would both like to keep it amicable. I never wanted us to part on bad terms, and he doesn't either.<P>I don't quite know why I am writing all of this. Maybe it's guilt for the hell I've put him through, maybe not. I still want the vacation time to get a clear picture of things, because right now all I can see is how much I've been hurt during our marriage. We talked a little last night and I know we also had good times. I know he has made changes. I just don't know if I can trust them, or me. Even though I'm not in love with him anymore, I still can't stand to see him hurt, or to be the one who is hurting him. <P>Anyway, I guess that's it for now.

I have to run, Atacrossroads, but I just wanted you to know that how you feel right now is typical of someone having an affair. <P>I'm not kidding! Very typical! And, I'm not saying that to make you feel bad, or to discount how you feel.<P>But, your affair and relationship with Fulgore is running totally along a predictable path.<P>So, what is that path? The path is that the affair will end, and you will not believe it when you look back on these days and say "I said that?" "I felt that?" "What, was I crazy?" <P>You aren't crazy, but the affair is part of a fantasy that feels so wonderful, that you are making decisions without logic. That is typical.<P>I hope you don't go away, there are many people just like you here, and we care about you and your future.<P>TNT

{{{AaC}}}--I think you need a hug, too.<P>And {{{Fulgore}}}.<P>Good luck in finding the right path to take, AaC. You will know which one it is.<P>Fulgore, hang in there.<P>Best to both of you. --HBC

I tried hard to stay away from this thread, but I just can't. I've been where your husband is, and my wife has been where you are. So, please have your husband read this also - please.<P>My wife's affair started somewhere in the Oct/Nov. timeframe, 1999. At first she was scared of what might happen to the marriage, and tried to hide the affair. But her actions were too out of the ordinary. By mid-December, she was totally absorbed by the affair, and HAD TO FIND SOME WAY TO JUSTIFY IT. This is typical of all wayward spouses.<P>So, AtACrossroad, everything you think you feel right now is both very real, and also extremely false. Here's what my wife told me during the affair: I hate you, I never loved you, it was just the chase to get you that thrilled me, I don't love you, being asked to fall in love with you is like forcing me to fall in love with any man off the street, you disgust me, touching you repulses me, I'd have to get really drunk and stupid to even consider touching you, I'm leaving you no matter what, I'm contacting a lawyer and taking the kids, you hurt me too badly during the marriage and I can never forget.<P>Now understand this Fulgore, I knew that all this could not be real. You see, my wife loved me dearly, and it's not possible to have loved that way without that love still living inside somewhere. And, I studied this affair stuff intensely and found the evidence. THEY NEED TO DEFEND THE AFFAIR, AND SO THEY ACTUALLY MAKE UP AND BELIEVE THAT THEY DON'T LOVE US ANYMORE AND ALL THE OTHER STUFF THEY SAY. But it's not real.<P>So, I did as suggested by the experts. I knew my wife loved me, and was trying to find her way back. And, AtACrossroad, I can tell that you love your husband also, but you are affraid by your own admission of letting yourself feel that love again - you are affraid (as all people in affairs are) that you will be hurt again - right?<P>Today, my wife is again loving and caring. The affair is over, she again comes home early from work, we spend tons of time together, we talk about all sorts of stuff (although not the affair much), she shows her love in numerous ways, she's apologized and said she wished it never happened. Etc........<P>This, Fulgore, from a woman who vicously tried to get me to leave her at least 4 times with very abusive words and actions, and then another 4 times she tried to leave herself but was more loving and comforting - she just couldn't leave. And, it was the love that she couldn't feel, but was there inside, that kept her home.<P>Eventually, the affair died out, as they almost always do. <P>AtACrossroad, you need to stop the affair and go through the pain of withdrawals. Don't let the affair ruin your marriage. Since it's already happened, use it now as a platform from which to rebuild your marriage.<P>Fulgore, sure, find out what your options are, but please do not give up just yet. The fact that she posts here and reading what she posts tells me that she is trying to get out of it - even if she doesn't recognize it yet. Addicts don't know they are addicts, and when they realize it they stop. My wife and I went to see the movie 28 Days last night. It's all about addicts and just this issue (it deals with drugs, drinking, sex and although it doesn't mention affairs directly they are exactly the same) - go see it together.<P>I think you two are close to moving into recovery. It's a major jump. Fulgore, if you have not addressed the issues in her mind that caused the affair, then please do and show her that you have changed forever. <P>AtAcrossroad, my wife told our counselor back in December that she did not trust that my changes were real, that she would never trust them. By mid-January she was asking me if I was going to change back two years from then. And just last week she said "I wish the affair had never happened, but if it hadn't you might not ever have changed".<BR>You see, I'm for real, our marriage is for real and based on solid love.<P>AtAcrossroad, please go to Fulgore. You said yourself that you made a major mistake. Give yourself to him in that the two of you go through the recovery and withdrawal process together. It's a very tough process, for both of you, but you can and will get through it. Give youself over to doing the very hard things necessary to be sure the affair is over, forever. Give yourself over to allowing Fulgore the opportunity to prove his love and changes are pure and real. Give yourself over to a future with your husband that you really want, and that can now be bigger and brighter than you had ever imagined. You can do this, just remember that so many others have before - follow in their footsteps. It's a beautiful world on the other side for both of you.<P>My wife and I are still in recovery, and it's not easy, but we are going down the road and that is the direction you need to head. You can see most of my posts on the Recovery board. Do, both of you, drop me a line and let me know (please) that you are not allowing this opportunity to pass.<P>I'm really hoping I'll hear from you.<P>SamH

SamH<P>Thank you for responding with what you did. I hope that deep down in her heart she really does still feel a little love for me. God knows I love her. <P>I don't know if you have read any of our other posts to know the exact situation, but from what you say you have been through, our situations sound VERY similar.<P>Since she made this post, we have been back to counceling together. I have withdrawn my request for her to move out. I just set up some reasonable guidelines that I needed to be met and she agreed. I had decided not to go on vacation with her the way she had recomended. I have now changed my mind about that because she still wants me to come with her. Today was a REALLY GOOD day for both of us. Upon the request of the coucelor, we made it a day for each other and ONLY each other. We went to eat lunch together then we went to the park. We took some bread and fed the ducks and the fish. We went over to the swings and played for a while and walked around and talked about all kinds of things except our situation. It felt SOOO good not to fight or argue about what is going on and to just talk and be friendly. I then drove her to work and when she got out of the car she told me she really enjoyed today and that we would watch a movie tonight when we got back from picking her up from work.<P>As to the lawyer thing, I did not talk to one. I have a co-worker who has been divorced 3 times so I think he should know quite a bit about the subject. But believe me, I am far from throwing in the towel. I believe we can work through this with all my heart, but I know it will be hard and take time for her to see and believe the changes that I have made.<P>Speeking of movies. We watched "The Story of Us" last night, with Bruce Willis and Michelle Pheiffer. Our councelor told us to watch it together. Its about a couple who have been married 15 years and have drifted apart. When the movie was over, I asked my wife, "How did they get a tape recorder in our house withuot us knowing it?" It just hit so close to our situation. Sure the setting is different, we don't have kids and have been married only 3.5 years, but the characters were me and her to a tee. She has always been the down to earth one while I am the fly by the seat of the pants one, just like they are in the movie. Since your situation sounds similar, I STRONGLY recommend seeing it, it's out on video.<P>Anyway, thanks again for your reply. I don't know if my wife has read yor reply yet but I'm sure she will. I will try my best to keep you posted.