The OW from my H's affair claimed my H and her had a child together.Today is the child's 2nd birthday and I have been very sad today.The reason I am so sad is I still do not know to this day whether the child is actually his or not.She has said from the time she was pregnant that it was his.He says the timing is all wrong and he feels sure it is NOT his.<P>She did actually take him to court for child support.I was not able to go due to work.Probably better off anyway because her and I face to face would not make a good mixture.He told me that she did not show up for court.At a later date the OW and I talked and she told me it was him who did not show up for court.Then we never hear another word about it.I would think if it was in fact him that did not show up we would have heard something from the courts.<P>Down the road she is still claiming this child is his and holding it over MY head.So I decide to order a copy of the birth certificate.There it is in black and white.......my H's name listed as the father.Not only that,the child has our last name.I thought I would vomit as I stood there and read thsi thing about 100 times through tears.My H said he was shocked because she ought to know as well as he that he is not the father.<P>More time goes by and she continues to harrass me and hold this over my head.We finally write a no contact letter which hasnt done a bit of good.Finally my H says he is going to prove once and for all he is telling the truth about all of this.He says he is going to the courts and filing for custody since she says the child is his.This way if it isnt then she has to pay the costs of proving the child isnt his by paying for the blood tests.He tells me he has taken the birth certifictae down to the courthouse one day and has filed papers.He doesnt bring any kind of paper work home which makes me suspicious.But I have no idea how this works so I just trust in what he has told me.We both wanted to know the truth once and for all.If it turned out the child was his I was prepared for the consequences.Child support,visitation,etc.We also have 2 children of our own and I only thought it was fair for them to know if they had a half sister.I also felt it was the right thing for H's family to know this child if it was in fact his.I was ready.....but he had to be honest with me and not hide anything.Then again if it turned out the child was NOT his,I was ready to have his name taken off the birth certificate and have the child's last name changed.<P>Well all of this has become a fleeting wish.Supposedly he filed these papers on the 18th of January.They told him they would have to have her come and give a blood sample from the child because paternity had not yet been established.This was 4 months ago and we have yet to hear anything.It has absolutely driven me crazy not knowing.Here this child is 2 years old today and I still don't know an answer.<P>I have asked my H to call the courts and ask what the status is on this.He just says if she hasn't gone and gotten the child tested there is nothing more he can do.I don;t know of I buy this.I have serious doubts that he ever went to the courthouse at all.After all,she has him listed as the father and if he has filed for custody then it is her responsibility to comply if she ahs been served.I try to not ask H about it too much,but it really hurts.He acts as if he doesnt care.He says he knows its not his and he isnt worried about it.<BR>'<BR>I on the other hand just want to know the truth,whatever it is so we can move forward.The thought of my H having a child with the OW sickens me.But the fact that I don't know sickens me even worse.Yes,if it is his child it will hurt terribly.But this has gone on for too long and I have mentally prepared myself for whatever the outcome.<P>I know he is scared that if I do find out it is his child I will end the marrige.I may have thought that at first,but I have gotten past that.The afair happened,there is nothing i can do about it now.But if it his his child,she needs to know who her family is.Brothers,Grandparents,Aunts,Uncles.<P>So,if he really filed thesepapers why havent we heard anything?Why hasnt he pursued it?And if he didnt,why did he say he did?Why doesnt it bother that has hung over our heads for 2 years now?Or that his name is on the birth certificate and that the child has our last name?It may not bother him,but it is killing me inside.A child is something that is conceived out of love in my opinion and not something to be taken lightly.<P>Any advice out there on what I should do?I feel if I keep bringing it up I will LB'ing.Please help if you can.<P>I would just like to add that if he is in fact the father,the child would have been conceived when were separated.But it still hurts because we were STILL married.Also after our 2nd child i got my tubes tied because we made the decision TOGETHER that neither one of us wanted anymore children.That hurts too.<P><P>------------------<BR>~~~~~Tammy~~~~~<P>If you love something set it free.If it comes back it is yours.If it doesn't it was never meant to be.

Swatmy,<P>I am so sorry you have to deal with this as well as an affair. It just goes to show you how insecure the OP has to be to harrass you like this.<P>I feel for the child as well. Is the OP married???? <P>You may be right. Your H may feel that you will leave him. Perhaps you should sit down calmly and talk about it. Assure him you will not leave him.. <P>Can you take the paper work to the courts????<P>The child should not suffer. ANd your children may have a half sister. I believe it is important to know. I was reading an article written by Patti Davis (R.Reagans d) about not telling imp. info to children and what happens. <P>"Secrets are like the black holes in space. We know they're there because of the shadows they cast on the life of a child." "Those shadows if not dealt with continue to fall across our lives as adults"

Tammy,<P>I don't know a lot about this type of situation but is there some way you could call the courts and see if the papers were filed?<P>I don't want to be a downer, but in my state, in order to give an illegitimate child the father's last name, the father has to sign paternity papers. But it may not be the same in your state. I would call someone and see what the law is where you live. <P>(((((HUGS)))))<P>Mitzi<P>

I think I would have a real heart to heart with my H on this. Two years is way too long for any type of papers to be served if they were served no matter what state you live in. Most states have legal aide where you could call and ask what the normal procedure is. Paternity would fall under family law, so you need to ask an attorney fimiliar with that type of thing. A person I work with was going through a divorce and her H claimed he was not the father of her child. It was a matter of weeks before that issue was resolved. The judge ordered the H to have it done...period. He was the father. Calling the court house could take you forever if you are not sure who handles what. You are right, regardless of what happened in the past, that child didn't ask for this and has a right to know who her family is and if your H is the father he needs to take responsiblility for his actions. Take a deep breath, dry your tears and be strong...get some answers from your H. After working through the affair, you don't need this to drive a giant wedge between you. Good luck.<P>LS<P>

Hi all and thanks for your replies.<P>Tootrusting,<BR>No the OP is not married.As far as any paperwork,I never saw any.He says he went to the courthouse and and filed papers for custody but got no papers of his own.The reason he filed was because then paternity would definitely have to be established.<P>Mitzi,<BR>I already called the court and they will not give out any information about juvenile and domestic relations cases except to the direct parties involoved.Which can only be my H or the OW.Interesting about what you said about giving an illigitimate child the father's last name.I did not know that and I will check into that.Thanks for the info.What state are you in?I'm in Virginia and Im not sure what the laws are regarding that.<P>Lonelysoul,<P>You hit the nail on the head.Whether or not my H knows it this has put a really big wedge between us.The affair was hard enough to try and get through let alone having this also.He has said from the very beginning though that it doesn't matter to him because he knows it is not his.<P>Thanks again all for your advice.<P>------------------<BR>~~~~~Tammy~~~~~<P>If you love something set it free.If it comes back it is yours.If it doesn't it was never meant to be.

Tammy: In our state (Washington) if a mother is not married, in order to put a father's name on the birth certificate, he has to sign a paternity paper. You could call any hospital in your area and ask someone in the Obstetrical or Medical Records department to see what it is in your state.

Well,I took advice from a couple of you and looked up paternity laws for the state of Virginia.According to what I found my H's name could not have been listed on the birth certificate unless he signed paternity papers since they were unmarried.I guess this finally gives me my answer. <P>I knew all along in my heart this child was his.Why in the hell would he lie to me about this for 2 years?The fact he absolutely knew he was the father and that he had to sign a paper saying he was in order to have the name on the birth certificate really kills me.<P>This law stated that if there is no paternity acknowledgement form signed by the father,the father will not be named on the birth certificate.<P>Ok,now I am crying my eyes out and I don't know how to confront him with the knowledge I now know.HELP!!Where do I start with this?????I know he will say he never signed anything at the hospital.But it is there in black and white that he had to have done it.<P><BR>Thanks for the info guys.<P>------------------<BR>~~~~~Tammy~~~~~<P>If you love something set it free.If it comes back it is yours.If it doesn't it was never meant to be.

Tammy,<BR> Calm down! There is another possibility that you haven't considered.<P> It is possible that she claimed to be your husband's wife when she was admitted to the hospital. Thus, it is possible that she could have listed your husband's name as the father without his even knowing about it, since the hospital would have assumed that he was her husband.<P> Hospitals don't require proof of marriage, at least, not any that I'm aware of.<P> However, I do think it sounds funny that your husband said he went down to the courthouse to file for custody. He should have gone to an attorney. Call the courthouse and find out what the procedure is in regard to filing for custody. They should be able to tell you that. Just don't tell whoever you talk to about your situation. Pretend that you are going to file for custody of a relative's child or something.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Sweetpea (edited April 27, 2000).]

Tammy,<P><B>Even if the child is his it's not the child's fault.</B> I am not trying to justify your H (I am too the betrayed in my relationship), but <B>WHAT IF THE REASON TO HIDE THE TRUTH IS BECAUSE HE CARES FOR YOU?</B> In the last 5 months I have learned the hard way that throughout years both my W & I stopped short from sharing many feelings & thoughts each other for because we didn't want to hurt one another. It's too late for us now; <B>is it too late for you? I HOPE NOT!</B><P>Take care,<P>(((((((((((((((<B>TAMMY</B>)))))))))))))))<P><BR>Alex<P>------------------<BR><B>Live fully and always learn</B>

Hi, Tammy, I read your posts and my heart goes out to you. Read my post, child by OW, TXGirl. I agree, he may have lied because he did not want to inflict anymore pain onto you. He is feeling guilty about his past actions. Also, by causing you pain, he also hurts himself because in his own way he must love you more because he stated with you. Both my H and I believed the OW deliberately got PG to force him to leave me for her. She gambled and lost. (Somedays I have wondered, "Did I really win?") Yet, after 6 years after ending his affair, I believe he is "in love" with me again. <BR> About the child, is he paying child support? If he is the father, the state should be demanding child support, especially if she is on state assistance. the OW in our case, was on welfare and the state came after his check with a vengeance. I also offered to adopt the child and raise her with ours. The OW refused. I feel that was a very selfish action on her part. Ooh, well. Hang in there. Don't let it drag you down. Be strong. You are not alone.

You know, in reading these posts and thinking about the harm done to my own children (and OP's children) I really believe that you owe it to that little girl and your own children to have your H deal with this.<P>Taking responsibility for this child, via child support and emotionally if he is the father is LOVE!!!! Avoiding it all due to hurt etc. is selfish. Being selfish (which is what are spouses were) is not really being loving. <P>This is truly a lesson for all of us. But I'll tell you one thing. No matter what happens in our relationships. The children involved should not suffer. <P>You sound like you have a truly forgiving and giving heart. I know you can handle this if it is his child. Try to let him know this. Like I said earlier. Your own children will deserve the truth of a half sister some day!!!! Good luck.

Tootrusting,<BR>I totally agree with everything you said.I made up my mind that if this was his child I would accept it.The child is here and it is not the child's fault that she was brought into this mess by 2 selfish people.<P>As far as child support he may be giving her something on the side that I am not aware of.We do not have any official documents on this.Or then again maybe he does and I just don't know about them.She did take him to court once and he said she did not show up.But she told me it was him who did not show.This confuses me because if it were really him who didnt show one would think he would have gotten another subpeona.<P>If he would just come clean with me we could work through this.Right now its a huge wedge between us because I dont really know the truth from him.<P>All I know is this has been breaking my heart for 2 years now and he has no idea how bad.<P>------------------<BR>~~~~~Tammy~~~~~<P>If you love something set it free.If it comes back it is yours.If it doesn't it was never meant to be.