Well this is only my second time visiting this site. I still don't feel like I know what I'm doing. My story in short; husband of 18 yrs left me and four kids 2-15 for a 25 yr old girl he met over the internet. He doesn't want a divorce (he doesn't know why) but he won't go to counceling either. I'm getting to the point where I don't know if I want to be married to him anymore. How do you forgive someone who hurts both you and kids in the worse way possible?

dumpedwife,<BR> Welcome to our club.Your story is like many others on this site.The best thing you can do is read,and ask questions here.You will find a lot of support here,too.There are a lot of good books out there that have been talked about here.You might start with"Private Lies"by Frank Pittman,"After the Affair"by Janis Spring,and"Affair-Proof your Marriage"by Lana Staheli.I bought all of these at Amazon.com.They not only explain what your H is feeling(mid-life crisis?),but will help you to decide if you want to try and save your marriage,or move on.You have to realize that most affairs are short-term relationships based on passion,and infatuation.Your H may come home if it burns out,and he comes to his senses.Only you can decide if you can forgive him,and continue your marriage,no one else can answer that for you.Taking care of yourself and your children is your first priority.Take care. --Murph

Thank you murphy for your response, I was begining to wonder if there was any one out there. I most of the time really do want to save my marriage but my husband won't go to marriage conceling and I don't know how long I can live like this. Our 15 yr old daughter is so angry at him she won't talk to or see him at all. I have tried forcing him into counceling just got madder. I tried being nice and doing everything his way, I just felt used. Now I just talk to him if I have to about the kids. Just basicly ignore him if at all possible. Everyone we know says move on and start over. I don't know where to start.

Sorry you are hear but welcome. Weekend are slow. Not a lot of people on tonight.<BR>You can't make you H attend counseling but you can and it will help you. Also take you children into couseling especially the 15 year old. You can not do anything about your H but you can do alot for you and your children. Have you read Harley's book Surviving the affair you should plus the books that Murphy suggested. They will help. As far as you question on how to forgive I don't know but I sure would like the chance. Lost of prayers for you and your family.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

dumpedwife,<BR>My 17 year old has not spoken to her father since he left over nine months ago. Both she and the 19 year old have said that they no longer have a father. Luckily for them, they are both in college so they are away from the situation. I don't know if they could ever forgive him, even if he is someday remorseful, but I am absolutely sure they will never forgive him if he is not. In many ways it is easier for them than for the younger kids, who still love their father but can't understand why he has done what he has done. The older children are not in the least conflicted - to them, adultery is unforgivable, and their father is, according to them, dead.