Just curious I know many of us here were betrayed by our S and would like to find out how many on this site, world started falling apart when S.O. started "chatting" on the internet.<BR>I know many met their OP at work, but just a quick survey to see how many saw thier mate start to stray by internet chatting.<BR>Ann Landers gave advise to someone that she thought it was "innocent enough" I don't think she has any ideas how this type of activity is destroying families and marriages.<BR>I know the internet is NOT the root of the problem but it sure helps with "the fantasy" that many get caught up in.<BR>Tyra

Mine did not have anything to do with the Internet (co-worker). There DOES seem to be a lot of Internet-related cheating around tho!!!

The more I read Ann Landers, the more I think someone should send her this site. <P>I'm an internet addict, I admit it. I have fiction posted on the Web. I have movie reviews posted on the Web. I get fan mail. I get "letters to the editor" mail. I have friends I know only via E-mail. I have an entire internet life that my husband knows about but doesn't seem interested in.<P>And not once have I had an internet affair.<P>My rule: women and gay men only. And no chat.<P>I've violated the first rule on occasion, as some of you here know. But not on an ongoing basis.<P>I think it's important to be aware of the dangers of close online connections. When I was single, I used to date through personal ads and had a passionate "correspondence only" relationship, in the days before the internet. So I know how deceiving such things can be.<P>I think if one keeps one's eyes open, is honest with one's spouse about one's activities, and sets some groundrules, it need not always result in disaster.<P>And online time should not replace spouse time.<P>

Email was a big part of my tryst, but it wasn't via chatting, we knew each other at that point. Heck, I wouldn't even know where to chat, and I'm an email junkie...

Hi.<BR> My w started spending all her time in chat rooms and ICQ after we moved to a new location (she was lonely and bored). Well, she met some people from another country and became close to one. He came here, they had a PA and she ended up going to visit him for a couple of months. Now she claims its over, but still wants to move out on her own. Even if it is over, the damage is still extensive. <BR> So I guess you can say that I was an internet victim!<P>Arrow<P>

ABSOLUTELY those chatrooms were a big part in my wife's infidelity.

Thought I had already replied... Oh well. <P>Yep count us in on the growing trend. <P>Started with online games.

Just a couple of lines from a fairly vicious poem I wrote.<P>We are only the latest fatality<BR>on the road of virtual reality.<P>Yep, been there done that.

Did it start with chatting? No.<P>Did chatting crap just rip my heart out again? Yes.

I can tell you for a fact that my being on the internet created a problem for me and my H. And it did eventually...(about 1 year after being on the internet) lead to my affair... <P>I wanted to add that I am almost certain that had I not been on the internet.... I wouldn't have had an affair...<P>I wouldn't have been anywhere else and able to meet another man...(other than work) or had the time to spend anywhere else with another man long enough to get to know them or begin to have feelings for them...<P>I remember the day we installed our internet connection... I had a thought as it was installing... "Do I really want to let the entire world into my home?" It was a scary feeling.... and now.... I can surely say that I know why....<P><p>[This message has been edited by Lacee (edited April 28, 2000).]

The internet is how I met my husband and...<P>how he met the OW.<P>It is so addictive to some. (I now can't stand chat rooms - even before H's affair!) but he is still addicted to IRC and chat. (He does at least tell me when he indulges and luckily he has some "friends" who tell him to get off line and be with his wife!!)<P>------------------<BR>RobinAnn<P>*********<P>Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. The real miracle is the love that inspires them. In this sense everything that comes from love is a miracle.<P>Marianne Williamson

My husband of 27 years was wonderful and faithful until we started chatting with an 18 year old girl on the internet. We were both friends with her, but he decided to take it a step farther and started and internet affair with her. This led to phone sex and letters.

I have to agree with Lacee 100%. My H had already met OW personally a few times (I introduced them as she ~was~ a good friend), but, they became much closer over the net, ICQ'ing each other. I really don't know how often or for how long. When I finally started to miss him being in the bedroom with me at night, I asked him what are you doing and he told me "chatting with B" but even then, I was still trusting of both of them for a short while. Even asked him to say HI for me a few times... Well, after checking out the history on the computer, I saw that every day for a month, he was looking at her horoscope and his. That is when the bells started to ring. Sounds juvenile perhaps but really, that was when I first knew in my gut "there's more to this than friendship." It took another month of asking him before he admitted to ~having feelings~` too bad that was the night she was visiting us with her man.... That week-end was weird! He said don't take it out on her nothing is her fault. It's me and my fantasy! Anyway, since that week-end, our marriage fell apart. We tried counseling for 5 weeks but it didn't really help. I was miserable/angry/hurt and then at xmas, went home alone for a few weeks and decided that I understood why he was so drawn to her. I too was feeling distant from him for a long time but I was ready to come home and improve our relationship.. UH UH By then, he was over the marriage and wanted out. Since we live in a big home that we both love and neither had anyplace to move to, we decided to separate so I am upstairs and he is down. He went to visit them a few weeks ago to resolve things (his words) and now, he says she is his best friend and he's in love with her... To sum up, I have no doubt that the easy accessibility coupled with both my H and my emotional & physical needs not being satisfied, their relationship went much further than anyone originally thought. I read everyone's posts and I think "but in my case, they really were/are friends" and he insists that she will always be in his life and unless I accept that, there is NO chance for us to reconcile.. I wonder if those words are the words of an addict, or, is he really emotionally gone. The interesting thing now is... for months, he said "It's a fantasy.. but I must persue it to know myself and what I want.".. Lately, he says "She & I are both willing to sacrifice certain things (whatvever that means besides our marriage)for this relationship to grow....: Me thinks, as I have for quite some time, that she too must not be as happy as she appeared with her man if she is now so willing to spend daily communication with my h. One night before he went to visit, I emailed her simply saying that I was sorry I never got her story and that perhaps she sacrificed our friendship because H needed her more than I did ..I also told her that H is thinking about working on the marriage and anything that she could do to help would be appreciated... She has not replied to me but I know she is still chatting with him...<P>Yes, the internet is an amazing thing but it should be noted that it is creating very easy ways for people to avoid their reality also.. PS I am grateful for the net bringing me here!!

To all that have relpied I thank you.<BR>I know the internet is not all bad, like many of you have stated it has brought us here to work on our marriages on this site.<BR>I also know that until my H started going thru his MLC I never had a problem with him "chatting" on the internet. He did it for about 4 years and I never really had any problem with it until he started spending excessive amount of time on it and then started ignoring me and the kids. <BR>Then I started noticing every time I walked into the bedroom( yes I thought It would be safe in our bedroom) He would minimize the screen. I didn't know for months that you could even do that. <BR>Finally thru the help of our teenage children I started asking questions about the computer and lo and behold LEARNED how to access many things and I guess became my own detective. Well I did discover in 3/99 that he was in fact having an EA with someone. We did all the stuff suggested , counseling, retrovalle, he took a 10 day vacation, and I never heard from him the whole time. When he returned he said he had decided it was US and not just this ML stuff.<BR>From then on my life became a nightmare.<BR>Unfortunately I didn't know about this site and did not realize that the sadness and dispare H was going thru was actually withdrawl from OW. In late July/99 he told me he had finally given up the hope that she would ever contact him again. That he wanted us to really work on our marriage.<BR>Well HE convinced me that he should purchase a laptop computer to do job searches while at work so as not to tie up company's computer as he had already received a layoff notice. Yes I fell for it, again. <BR>I made him move into seperate bedrooms as I was noticing more and more that he was getting very emotionaly withdrawn from me.<BR>We moved into a less expensive home in antisipation of the decreased income and he was laid off the 12 of Nov. on the 13th after returning from the mall with my son, he was just gone. With a little note that he would return and signed Love ******.<BR>I was so angry and hurt beyond belief. My family briefly heard from him that night, but I did not hear from him for almost 3 weeks. After I knew he was ok and he told me had had been looking for work, Again I believed him , until a close family member finally told me the truth. He had enough Love for both my H and myself to not let me go on believeing the lies my H was telling me, when all along his family knew what was really going on. He had left me to go meet the OW that he recontacted in late July.<BR>Then everything started making sense to me.<BR>The family member that informed me did it in the hopes that WE would be able to work out our marriage regain the trust we had for each other. H's infidelity put many family members in a position to lie for him and those with a conscience were getting very deppressed about having to lie for him. <BR>So now I see what a "harmless" internet chat session did to my life, my kids, our parents, brothers and sisters and neices and nephews and yes even our friends. <BR>I know there must have been some need that I was not fulfilling for my H but since I have only seen him for a short time in late Jan and he is living out of state now,I still am not sure what need I wasn't fulfilling . <BR>His little meeting with OW was a total flop.<BR>( HIs words) and he no longer contacts her.<BR>Even says he's lost all interest in the computer. But he's also lost all interest in his family. Now I know how easy it is to become addicted to the computer. I do chat, but only in a private chat room with personal friends or family members .That I've know for ever, but distance keeps us from visiting in person)<BR>So I have learned this lesson well and hope Ann Landers and anyone else out there will learn from our mistakes and try to prevent cyber Talk from destroying thier lives.<BR>In the past we always were able to talk to each other, until the computer filled that NEED for him instead of me. How sad....for all of us.

Hi ,<P>Count my H in as one of the addicted,it all started when he found ICQ.He is addicted not only to OW,but also porn, probably having cybersex with another OW.I have serious doubts this will end just because I am on PLan A.<P> It seemed like one OW was bad enough,one is an EA, the other is more for sex.beth

I have both good and bad experiences with the Internet, I met my wife through the Internet in a penpal list. And my wife revisited later to find how much it had changed over the years, but found the OM. There definitely are a lot more people connected nowadays and a lot more insincere people, who uses the protective screen of anonymity to appear to be something alse than their true nature -- predators.<P>So, yes the Internet is a powerful tool and it can certainly bring people closer together, but at the same time it can cause people to be hoodwinked and addicted to the false images that can be kept up through the net.<P>I think as the Internet grows that more and more people will have to realize that they need to set boundaries to what is acceptable to pursue on the Internet and what is not, just as in real life, but perhaps more tight since the lure of the net is so powerful, and it's so easy to get in contact with other people at the touch of your fingertips. I guess it's the same with all kinds of technology -- it's a two-edged sword, it can bring people together in a good way, but it certainly also have the power to deceive and break marriages and put a wedge between people.<P>Sorry for rambling, I have a kid hanging on my shoulder and he's pretty distracting <BR>

I am quilty of having an EA via the internet-email. I thought the internet was boring, but once I started the email thing...I was sucked in and couldn't stop. It is so easy to get hooked and tell yourself it wasn't a big deal.

My W started chatting innocently at first. Then 5 men were very interested because of the sexual conversation. She eventually narrowed it down to one man in England and chatting, email, voice messaging, and phone conversations are the way they communicate most. Being 6 time zones away its hard to meet at a bar after work. That has advantages and disadvantages. The major disadvantage for me is that the affair will take longer and she does not get much of a chance to see the bad in him. When email allows for his message to be spelled correctly, with all the grammar perfect, and checked and added and deleted words to make his message perfect each time, it makes it difficult for her not to love someone who is playing to her most important EN.<P>Computers and Internet are the best thing and the worse thing that has happened to me.<P>Love and Prayers to All!!<P>J W

H started chatting with a woman about 2 1/2 years ago soon after I started chatting with many different people online. He thought I was going to have an affair and guess he was thinking he would beat me to it and he did. He is living with OW now and it has been an on again, off again affair. I never even had an affair. <P>Online affairs are a fast growing problem to be contended with these days.

Tyra:<P>I'm not the betrayed -- I'm the betrayer.<P>Did chatting on the Internet have anything to do with my marriage getting worse and with my decision to cheat? Absolutely. Chatting with people on the Internet (in a Christian chatroom!!) only made my marriage problems become MORE exaggerated in my mind. Instead of talking to my husband and spending time with him to try to make things better, I was chatting to the "perfect" man at all hours of the night. All the while, I was becoming MORE disillusioned with my marriage and MORE trapped in the fantasy world I had created for myself.<P>I hope this helps.<P>Jill