Hi, Some of you might have seen my posts before. I need some of your opinions. <P>I believe with all my heart that my husband is addicted to the OW. He cheated with her 3 times. The first I didn't know about. After the 2nd time, he wanted to come back and we began counseling for 6 months. Then, ow went out and got Breast implants and started to date others and I guess my h felt he was losing all chances he had with her and he contacted her yet again behind my back. <P>At this point I was totally disgusted and told him to get out. He went very willingly claiming he loves me but he KNOWS he loves her more. He immediately moved in with her and her 3 kids about 3 miles from my home.<BR>This has been for 3 months now.<P>He has completely changed as a person and he acts as if he does not care anything about me. In fact, I saw him a few days ago and we started to talk and he told me that he is no longer living to make his parents, friends, or me happy any more. He needs to look out for his own happiness. Everyone who ever knew my h is so upset by the change that is taking place in him. Even one of our parish priest has commented that as a spiritual person he is dead. Something inside him is missing. He was once very involved with the community and church.<P>I am now struggling with whether or not to go thru with the divorce that I began. Not sure if I should just go the seperation route for one year instead. You see in my state my h would not be able to file divorce because he has no grounds. He would be able to after one year. I just feel like all of this has been thrown in my lap and i just don't know how to handle it right now. My counselor said i owe it to my kids to make sure i make the right decision. He also counceled my h and he believes he is deeply troubled. <P>In my heart, I love my h but in my head I keep telling myself that it is really over. I just thinking a reconciliation would never be possible because of the lack of trust I believe I would feel for him. What kind of life is that? But, if we seperate for a year, that might give him the time to realize that what he is involved in is not real love but LUST. The one year break might also give him enough time to see this OW for what see really is. (HOME WRECKING TRAMP)<P>I honestly felt truly loved by my h and we have 2 beautiful children together. How he could walk out on them is so totally unbelievable it's scary. I keep thinking this whole thing is a bad dream.<P>I have read many books, gone to counseling, support groups, talk to family and friends and everyone gives me different opinions. I just don't know what to do anymore. <P>Here I am holding out hope that he will wake up but not sure that when he does, I will want to take him back. How will i ever know he wouldn't do this again 5 years down the road. I also believe that he will have feeling for this ow the rest of his life. How can one compete with that. This is a woman who my h once had arrested for the way she harrassed me. No matter what, he always goes back to her. <P>What do you think I should do????<BR>

mystic:<P>I'll post this again. I think you should start counseling with Steve Harley. He'll be able to help you put a plan together that you can live with---and he'll do his best to make sure that this marriage has the best chance of surviving (and then being great), given how you feel (and how your husband's behaving).<P>I personally would suggest that you put off divorce, and wait for the affair to flame out. It usually does, and the more extreme the behavior, the worse the "crash and burn" in most cases. Whether you wait attempting "plan A", or moving into a no-contact "Plan B" would best be judged by you with Steve Harley's advice and coaching.<P>

Only you can decide what to do. I will make a suggestion though. Don't do anything right now. Let your emotions run their course, let them calm down, then make it. There really is no rush. Take your time and do what is right for you and your children. You will have the answer when the time is right. You'll know.<P>------------------<BR>You can't live with them, you can't kill them!<BR>Viki

Mystic,<P>I guess in your shoes I would really try to understand the circumstances during the six months of counseling and why he went back to the OW. Was he still in contact with her during this time? Do they work together? Did he ever really go through withdrawal and truly have no contact with her?<P>If there was true six months of no contact, and a real effort and commitment on both your parts during this time to rebuilding the marriage - and he still went back to OW, I would be quite disheartened and personally would be ready to end it. (from someone whose H has been in an active affair or in contact with OW for almost 2 years)<P>However, if the counseling was more done only to appease you, if contact (even phone/e-mail) with the OW never ended during this time, etc., then I believe you have never really had an opportunity to repair the marriage under circumstances that could lead to success. The affair has never truly been over. If this is more the case, and if you do still truly love your H, I would not pursue the divorce and would choose either plan A or B depending on the state of your feelings toward him. Plan A if you think you can handle it, are not in too much pain, and can manage to not lovebust during your minimal contact with him. Plan B if you are at the end of your rope and need to protect yourself and your love for him. This is your choice. <P>Again, personally, I think I would be ready for plan B at this point - especially with the way your H is acting and the things he is saying to you. It must be so difficult to hold on to love for him. I have done a year+ of plan A and my H acknowledges the changes in my behavior and finds it positive. But that has not yet led to his ending the affair. The thing is I am used up, and my feelings for him are sometimes close to used up too. So instead of wrecking the plan A progress I have made - hurting myself in the process - I am preparing for plan B. And during this time he may end the affair, and we may have a chance to rebuild. Otherwise, I will have had this transitional time for me, to grow and get stronger without continued hurt from my H - and will be more emotionally prepared for divorce if that is the eventual outcome.<P>Just my thoughts. Good luck with whatever you choose.<P>Starpony

K, Starpony, Viki:<BR>Thanks for your responses. Let me fill you in on some things.<P>When we attended counseling,I believe that my h was just going thru the motions. My counselor also agrees with me. He says that my h was not ready to be in counseling. I also never got that true remorse feeling from him. I think he was just doing it to make everyone happy( family, friends etc).<BR>I also think that for perhaps the first month that we went, he wanted it to work but he never could get the thoughts of this Ow out of his head. If it was me who did this, and I really wanted my marriage to work, I would have been so sorry and let my h know how sorry i was on a daily basis. I feel like I never go that from him.<P>As for contact, we live in a small town and her children attend the school where my husband teaches. He also worked with her for 2 years but the administration replaced her when they got wind of this possible affair taking place on school grounds. So, no he no longer works with her but did for part of the withdrawal time. She also manages to turn up in places where she knows we will be. So, although he will not admit to it openly, I believe he still did have contact with her. <P>How he carries on a double life is beyond me. During the 6 months in counseling, he sent me cards at least once a week telling me how much he loves me and that he doesn't deserve me. Etc....<P>He was always home when I was so i really believed him when he said he wanted to work on it. But, he has so much more free time then I do so anything is possible. <P>So, I do not believe he went about about this reconciliation with his heart and soul. I think he did it to please everyone else just so he could say I tried. <P>So knowing all that, do you think its possible now that he is living with her and he got what he wanted that he might realize its not what he thougt it was. At that point, he might be ready to get the help he really needs and be able to establish no contact. Thoughts<BR>

Mystic,<BR>Yes it is possible (and some like K who have lived it will say it is likely) that your H will crash and burn and the affair will flame out. But I would not base your decision on this. I would look at whether I still wanted to create conditions that would allow us to reconcile at some future point. If the answer is yes, then do not continue the divorce at this time and get a plan in place (maybe with Steve Harley's help as K suggests). If you are ready to give up on reconciliation, then divorce makes sense. I can see lots of hope in all your posts though, so I don't think you are there yet.<P>From your description, it does not seem like the "extraordinary precautions" necessary for ending some particularly stubborn affairs/addictions were ever put in place during your previous reconciliation. These might include a new job (if her kids are in school there - there was plenty of opportunity for contact), maybe moving, etc. The fact that your H was not truly remorseful and sorry (while it is painful) is actually pretty normal for early recovery. Maybe the main problem was how easy it was to start up contact again. If you go back to the addiction analogy (K or Distressed? Are these stats right?) only about 15% of addicts are able to end the addiction on their own. This is why Harley recommends the precautions which sometimes seem extreme at first glance (they did to me, but I have learned from painful experience).<P>So let's go back to you Mystic. Again, unless there are custody or financial protection issues - how can a plan A plan B separation hurt? Your H may come to his senses or he may not. You however will have more time to be sure of your decisions and to build yourself up. I know this sounds way too optimistic for the circumstances, but it really is a win/win. Do consider K's advice to call steve Harley. I have also done some counseling with him and it is very helpful.<P>Starpony<BR>

Thanks Starpony. I am under a different name on my home computer. Where did you find the addiction analogy? Is this written someplace where I can read it?<P>I tried to get my h to move to a different town or even a different state but he at that time said there was no reason because he knew he wanted to be with me and the kids and he could get thru this. <P>I agree that his access to her was to easy but his argument was that if we move a million miles away, that would not prevent him from thinking of her or anyone else for that matter. I just had to trust him. <P>I know now that if and that is a huge IF he ever wanted to come back again, I wouldn't agree to it unless we move far away from this town. <P>I do need to worry about financial issues and visitation rights. I don't want my kids anywhere near this woman. I think my h will try his hardest to fight me on this.<P>Also, what do you think he will do if I tell him I am stopping the divorce and just going for the seperation? Would that anger him greatly????? I think in his mind, he wants this over so he can go marry this ow. <P>Had this ever happened to other out there where the spouse all of a sudden decides to stop the divorce????