My wife and I are rebuilding our marriage from an affair I had six months ago. Over 3 mnths OW and I communicated via email and met at business functions out of town (3 times). I ended the affair, and told my wife everything. I was a believer in disclosing details (and she wanted them). I believe the truth should always set you free. But now she occassionally becomes consumed with what happened, gets angry at me, and sometimes overwhelmed with jealously and suspicion. Now the biggest crime being commited is false accusal. I try so hard to understand, but I feel she treats me unfairly. I'm guilty till proven innocent, and she doesn't realize the toll a false accusation/suspicion has on me. I think she thinks they're free! And BTW, I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING INAPPROPRIATE! I'm behaving the best a husband could be. She suspects women I work with, women I have to contact for business reasons, and sometimes of course women that don't exist. I'm trying so hard to prove to her I'm good, and most of the time we're happy. But I feel like I haven't moved an inch since the confession. I'm getting frustrated and easier to ignite. What should I do? Any suggestions / experience? Is it too much for me to ask of her consideration before making an accusation? Every human being is entitled to some form of respect.

i do the same thing to my H that your W does to you . there is just this HUGE rush of pain and anger, and it is incredibly difficult to control. that doesn't make it nice or right, of course.<BR>would she consider reading the material on this site? has she beeen to a counselor? have you been to one together?<BR>knowing that others have similar problems can be some comfort, and if you really are being as honest as you say you are, she will appreciate reading about others who are much worse off/have come through it ok. would you be willing to share this board with her?<BR>patient love and being a better arik are a married couple recovering from his affair, and posting here seems to help them both.<BR>just some suggestions.

Yea, W and I are no stranger to this site. For the first two months after i confessed my W was here (Monique) and occassionally I jumped in (The Fool).<P>We've been to counseling,etc.. and are actually quite far along. Let me elaborate by example. Typical day is we are fine and happy. She stays at home with kids, I go to work. We call each other every now and then, just to check in. I come home, play with kids, have dinner, and her and I watch TV or do something together. Now, when the devil possesses her..oh I mean on difficult days: I wake up for work. She acts pouty and upset (been having memories / dwelling on details). She begins to treat me like I've done something wrong. Truth is of course, I did (6 months ago). But that was then, this is now. I'm a faithful man if there ever was one.. anyway back to the story- I go to work. She calls me excessively, wondering if there's someone else or have I talked to women I once worked with (which OW was not). I come home from work (a little crispy around the edges) feeling I'm getting unfair treatment. Whole thing boils up- tempers flare and the next thing I know we are both being disrespectful. Now, what did I do wrong?<p>[This message has been edited by Big Big Dummy (edited December 04, 1999).]

Well, just from having gone through what you have, I can say it does end (the constant accusations). It's just the willingness on your behalf to ride it out, and take the necessary steps toward that goal of trust.<P>But your wife does need to take a proactive stance and move forward as well. The pain is still there, still fresh (6 months). She has her guard up. You have to understand that she's protecting her feelings from that pain she experienced before. Love was blind had good suggestions...suggest she read the articles here. Fill out the emotional needs questionnaires, they helped my H and me. Get on the same wavelength where she understands you're trying to work <B> with </B> her and not against her. I think she's in major self preservation mode now, and needs to know you're not going to do this again. Maybe she could post here, she would be able to at least talk about her feelings with those who have been through it.

Sounds like what I did to my H. Of course we are now going through the big D. It is very hard, but you must remember that a lot of things she says are not meant to hurt you. They are not directed at you but at the situation. I never wanted to say a thing to hurt my H, but that didn't stop me from saying things. I just needed to be heard and held and told that I was loved, no matter what. I know it is hard, but please be patient, she is worth it, and so is your marriage. Good luck Nancy

You're probably right Conner. You said it exactly, "She needs to understand I want to work with her, not against her". That's what I feel.<P>We are very close and on the same wavelength. Except, not when it comes to that guard. That's the element of trust I lost that I can't take back. <P>About this site: I like it because sometimes it helps explaining how you feel to a third party. Of course there's good experience to drawl from, but you take the good with the bad. My wife doesn't frequent here because hearing day in and day out sad, hurtful stories can draw you down. I agree. Moderation, like anything else.<P><BR>Here's the problem: the accusations are very negative for our marriage. I don't know about you, but I can't be happy or luvviedubbie when she does that. Here's the cycle (full circle)- She accuses, I get mad because it's unfair, she mistakes my anger as concealment, I get unhappy because I feel there's nothing I can do. So, her insecurity met only by resentment, anger, and distance.<P>

Welcome <B>Big Big Dummy</B> to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>I won't give you the normal long winded spiel I give everyone else... You said you've been lurking for a while...<P>I hope you <B>and your W</B> have gotten and read... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A> by Dr. Willard Harley!<P>Just a few reminders.... from the book... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Trust is the belief that our spouses will be honest with us and will protect our feelings. (page 158 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...and... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Someone unwilling to follow the Rule of Protectiom is unwilling to protect our feelings. (page 160 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...but like every change in a relationship... it doesn't come overnight!... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>To maintain a strong marital relationship, the four rules must be continually followed. (page 172 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...and of course... The Four rules to guide marital recovery<BR><OL TYPE=1> <BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Protection:</B> Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Care:</B> Meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Time:</B> Take time to give your spouse undivided attention.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Honesty:</B> Be totally open and honest with your spouse.<BR></OL>... following all 4 rules will move you along...<P>Connor is <B>so</B> right... bring her back here to the MBF... and get her to POST!<P>Others here are in her exact same position... Get her to inquire about how to handle that feeling of distrust!!!<P>I hope everything improves for you!<P>Jim

Hey BBD,<P>I think that your situation stems from the newness of recovery. I have been in recovery with H since Mid-July and have also found myself in that "accusing" mode. It happens less now than months ago and the more you two try to "work" things out, the less she will be prone to mistrust. My husband treats me very supportingly during these episodes and constantly reassures me that the new HE is to be trusted. He is patient with me. Please give your W a break. She has been to he!! and back again. She has a right to "lose it" once in a while. Keep the "Love Busting" to a minimum and keep you chin up. She will come around. It takes us wounded a while to lick our scars.

Big Dummy (change that name, you're certainly not one!) <P>Oh, how can I relate to that. I completely understand the feeling of being accused when I was innocent, after the fact of being guilty. The ONE thing that will get you both through this is YOUR willingness to show her, no matter what, how committed you are toward this marriage. I know it feels at times as if your own sanity is being tested, and it's not fair (I thought). But I looked at it like this...I made the choice, so I pay the consequences, and I'm willing to go through it to get to the point I want to get to....trust. And you know the reward? Something I could never imagine. I love my husband too much I think sometimes. Honestly. <P>But to go back, like we both agreed upon, your wife needs to understand that you are a team here, not a competitor. And you need to understand her difficulty at times in regard to dealing with this. This is what my husband and I have been dealing with, it's really hard, so I can completely understand your position. We have recently been dealt a very hard blow, so it's even more difficult, but I'm taking this as a really big pothole. Just wanted to let you know that I understand what you're going through, and sometimes patience is more important than anything. I'm trying to learn too, right there with ya.

BBD,<P>I've done what your W is doing and it took a number of times of me being, verifiable, WRONG and acknowledging that I falsely accused to get past it. <P>Try to understand that these "thoughts" can pop up and/or be triggered by any little thing (you'd be surprised!) and those emotions/reactions just kick in. Believe me, I know the transformation can be spontaneous and ugly.<P>What she has to do to recover is to not only process the events of the past, but also develop her new trust of you for the future. The past vs. present/future can often be in conflict. Have you asked her what you can do to help alleviate this pain such that she does not falsely accuse? <P>Or even more importantly, what is triggering her? Sometimes the issue is deeper than it may appear. For instance, w/both of my H's discovered affairs, Thursday night was his rendevous night. So, during recovery, I have had to deal w/Thursday night anxiety because he continued to play in a league on Thursdays long after it was over. These Thursday "blues" begin as early as Wednesday or certainly by Thursday morning. Our solution was to come straight home after games, instead of the stop-off at the bar. Although he could have rendevoused (sp?) on any night, Thursdays just bugged me for reasons stated. His willingness to compromise to help me overcome this particular trigger helped in the trust process.<P>Give her time and reassurance. While you know that you are completely faithful, she is still unsure. Reassurance in word and deed will help you to regain her trust.<P>God Bless<P>Enlightened<BR>

Hi BBD:<BR>You're gonna think I am Hard-Hearted Hannah, but IMHO, I think that your wife's reactions, suspicions, angst and spontaneous combustions over your affair are just something you should have to put up with for a while. After all, she's enduring the pain of having to live with the knowledge that the love of her life, the most important and precious person in her life has betrayed her. This is something that anyone who has ever been betrayed finds is the hardest thing they've ever experienced and, they feel as if they are dying inside. The pain and disbelief that the one special person in your life is capable of committing such a destructive and selfish act, cripples the betrayed for a very long time. With your patience, understanding, your remorse, your willingness to put yourself aside for her so she can heal, can bring the two of you together again and even bring your love for each other to a higher plane. But this takes work and it isn't for vapid wimps (I don't mean you at all, I mean it in general teams reflecting today's mindless, souless society out for ME and instant gratification) Recovery isn't for the faint hearted and if you are truly remorseful and are willing to take the slings and arrows for a while, she will eventually come around, she will heal and once again be your sweet baboo. I am serious. It's the LEAST the betrayer can do after what they have done to their spouse.<BR>So. So it's just my opinion based upon my husband's depth of remorse. His kindness and patience has made me heal and whole again and now, we are truly connected completely once again. It's like before but better. He allowed me to rage and vent and held me and comforted me when I was crushed with the pain of his betrayal of what was once our sexual and emotional exclusivity. Because he "took it", our recovery is officially six months old. He courts me, he focuses on me, he makes me the most important thing in his life again...and most importantly, all that and more is returned to him. It is true that you get what you give.<BR>I don't beat him up anymore emotionally, I hold my tongue, I try not to cry about it anymore in front of him and I treat him with love and respect and kindness and most of all we have a lot of smiles, a lot of laughs, a lot of sex and a lot of conversation. It's a great recipe for me. Please be patient. You'll be glad you did.<BR>Good luck, I'll say a prayer for you.

Hi, I remember you both, and I know she knows she's wrong with the accusations, etc. etc. Her anger and jealousy and insecurity are out of control. <P>She sounds like me. <P>I know what my husband could do to help me, which would really help me with the anger and insecurity - work harder at meeting my needs.<P>If he would genuinely make an effort to meet my most important emotional needs - it would go a long way towards my healing. Your wife experienced the worst kind of emotional pain possible. I would venture to say it is worse than death. Death would feel like a relief. <P>It feels like - how can you live on, knowing once what you had is gone - the love that was perfect with you once, is gone. And it is fear of the future and possible pain again that has her stuck an unable to move forward.<P>It sounds like your wife is still on the rollercoaster - and 6 months is still a short time to be dealing with this. <P>Why don't you and your wife give Dr. Harley a call? He is the expert. Most marriage counselors are not. 20% chance with a regular marriage counselor vs. 90% chance with Dr. Harley. <P>How about that new diamond ring for Christmas? And a night away where you can lavish your love on her? I know it would mean the world to me.

BBD- I too remember you from before. I would believe in TNT-she's telling the truth as usual. I think your right in that you have this anger when she act like this, but did you ever really examine that anger and it's base? Could it be that you want to box up this whole affair and go on and she's not ready to let go yet, she has to handle it for awhile so she can box it up and put it away herself. My H had a really hard time understanding that I wasn't like him, needed more time to deal with things so I could put them away effectively and not have them hanging over my head providing me with unwanted thoughts.<BR>You knew about the affairs alot longer than her and have had time to box them up, give her that time and understanding and things will work. I have to say, my H did a wonderful job helping me out once I was able to truthfully talk to him without the pain and anger, with him proving his worthiness in my trust. That's where you want to go. Do continue to post here, it does help and you don't have to read or answer every depressing thing, just the ones that may help you on your road to recovery! God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P><BR>

Hey Big Dummy!<BR>I just wanted to tell you that I am sorry that my emotions get out of control sometimes. I love you and I am very happy that we are both working hard on our marriage, even if we end up butting heads now and again. I know that we want the same thing. Your actions of love and your words do mean a lot to me and I hope that you continue working as hard on our marriage as you have. By the way I know that you are being a good husband, just have a little fear. If you think about it you would also. Your Wife Monique