I am desperatly looking for advice. My husband has been involved with another woman for over a year. We have seperated, but he comes home several times a week. It's like we are dating. We get along very well and we do have fun together. When he is here I truly feel that he loves me, he is kind, compassionate, and affectionate. However, I do not believe that he has stopped having contact with this OW. He insist that she is just a friend and there is nothing more. Am I being taken for? Part of me feels that if he really wanted to be with her, he would not come around so much. Then the other side of me feels that he is just doing it because he doesn't want to hurt me. I just don't know how to handle it. I have really done some soul searching and I know what I have done wrong in our marriage. I am trying hard to be strong and patient. I also know that if I bring up the OW it may push him futher away. Most of the books that I have read say that I should not be negative when I confront him. That I should not let my anger control me, but how do I get rid of the anger? I know that I can forgive him, but Is that possible if the relationship with her continues? Please if there is anyone out there that can offer some advice, I would greatly appreciate it. My biggest dilema is whether I should continue to "date" him or should I start letting go? We have been married for 17 years and have two teenage children. I am scared to death to be on my own. I don't have many friends or family and I feel so alone. Odie

Odie<P>Pretty soon Sheba will be coming along to give you some great advice. She is truly a warm and wonderful person who can help you much better than I could ever dream. <P>My advise to you is to learn as much about your situation as possible through books that this site offers, through the articles on this site and through this forum. Post here often to receive warmth and compassion as well as good advice from people of all stages and all rolls of affairs. You are beginning in yours and while it seems like it is bad there are many people here that are in a worse situation.<P>Something that helps me is what Dr. Harley says often. Most affairs die because they are based on lies and deceit. You have to learn through this site and through counseling how to deal with it the most effective way.<P>Read "Surviving an Affair", other books, the articles on the site, Plan A Plan B. Read everything you can. Learn about emotional needs, Love Banks and Love Units as well as Love Busting. I spent probably 20 - 30 hours when I first found MB learning all that I could. You are by no means alone and the people here will help you through ever step. Find a friend (female) that you can talk to and seek professional and spiritual counseling if you can. <P>There are many special posts for new comers that you should also read about. And most of all post here often for help and venting.<P>Love and prayers for you and your H!!<P>J W

Hi Odie-<P> I am not sure that I can give you any eal answers to your questions but I want you to know that only you can answer the one "should I continue or let go". You know what your feelings are telling you and you will eventually "follow your gut".<P>I am guessing that your H is rather confused right now. It sounds to me like he wants both of you. That is much better than not wanting you. But also he is wanting the OW and that is the down side.<P>Please take it from someone who has been through a divorce-if you only stay because you are afraid to be alone you have got to find yourself-the sooner the better. You can do anything you set your mind to! I promise you that. And I know that you are a special person with special talents-please look inside for that!<P>I too haven't many friends. I can't say I really want any-since the friend I liked very much decided she liked my H better than she liked me <P>I also don't have much family support at all-but that is ok. <P>All you really need is yourself to heal through this. <P>I will pray for you-every day.<P>You will have mnay friends here-people who can give you all the ansers to the stages of this terrible thing. Come here as often as you can and ask what you need to know.<P>Best wishes!!

Odie<BR>Welcome to the forum. It sounds like you are Off to a good start. I know it may not seem like it but the fact that your H wants to see you is a good sign. Don't try to figure out why he is stopping by. Just make it very comfortable for him to do so. This is part of Plan A. The more comfortable he is being with you, the more he will want to be with you.<P>If you go to "Just found out" you will find NSR's General Welcome with lots of good links on this site. Read all that you can. Check out the archives for more notable posts.<P>The anger is something that you need to aoid with your H. I used to visualize putting it on a shelf. We all have anger and most of it is justifiable. Accept that but know that displaying will only make things worse.<P>Do nice things for yourself to keep your perspective. Even if it's a bubble bath with candles and a good book. Taking care of yourself is very important.<P>The OW needs to be out of the picture but you cannot force that. You can gently tell your H how it makes you feel even if it is just a "friendship". It still makes you feel betrayed. Boy do I understand that one!<P>This is a very slow process sometimes and I know you would like to fix everything right now. Patience and time will help you get through. We are all here to help. The weekends are slow at the forum so keep posting.<P>I think you are handling things very well. Try to keep the communication going with H. Make him want to be there turning your home into a safe place for him. You can do this!<P>[This message has been edited by wasstubborn (edited April 30, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by wasstubborn (edited April 30, 2000).]