I am stuck in the middle of a problem and I really need advise. About a month ago, me and my cousin got closer and we started talking about things that we've never told anyone. Recently, he told me that he was having a problem and he wanted to tell me, but yet he didn't want to tell me. So, being a concerned cousin, I asked him what was wrong. He told me that he's cheating on his wife with our other cousin's wife. I was in shock and didn't know what to say. I told him that he should end the relationship and he told me it was hard because they've been sleeping together and almost falling in love with each other for about 6 months. I reminded him about his wife (who is like my own sister) that loves him so much and about his three little girls. I also told him that this could hurt our family. He seemed to listen, but I wasn't sure if he was going to take my advice. The problem I'm having is that I want to tell his wife because she's walking around like an idiot while everyone talks about this. She's heard the rumors, but doesn't know it's the truth. She's always told me that if I ever hear or see anything about her husband, my cousin, ever cheating on her, for me to tell her. Should I tell her even though my cousin wants to end the relationship with our cousin-in-law or should I stay out of it and let my cousin's wife never knowing that her husband is a cheater and a liar?

BTSgrBear<P> I don't think I would want to be in you shoes right now. I hate to say it but it is best for his wife to find out. A marriage that suffers from an affair is in serious trouble. The fact that he is cheating on her shows that she is not meeting his needs. I know I failed to meet my wife's needs but we have since then worked things out.<P> I don't know the best way to approach this because it find out about your spouse being involved in an affair comes as a major shock. Something you may want to do for her is YOU get prepared. Look over some of the information here. A guy by the name of NSR usually greets people and refers them to <BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html</A> <P>Go look over this information. Maybe pick up some of the books that people recommend here. NSR does recommend some good books. <P>I would also wait and get some ideas from the others here. We have really good people here and I'm sure between everyone something good will come from it.<P>Joe<P>

this is a question Ive often thought to ask.<BR>What to do in this situation.<P>When my H had his affair he confided in someone close to both of us for advice how to end it. Of course, though, like most affairs, it never really ended at that time.<P>I personally would have wanted to be told by that person THEN, as it would have saved another 6 weeks of affair, but of course if he told me it would have breached the trust put in him by my H. So that person is in a horrible situation. So what do they do?<P>I believe you say...affairs are wrong, you cant have your cake and eat it too, either you completely end it in a week and start to rebuild your marriage with your wife <BR>or tell your wife about the other woman, <P>or I will.<P>and check and check<P>just my personal opinion having lived it from the other side<P>she's going to find out sooner or later and sadly for you, she's going to ask you why didnt you tell her

BTSgrBear<BR>Welcome to the forum. This is a good place to get ideas and talk things out. You are obviously a very caring person and this must be a difficult decision for you to make.<P>I agree with azure. Tell your cousin that you believe honesty is the only way to salvage this mess and give him the opportunity to tell his wife. Let him know that if he doesn't, then you feel that you have an obligation to tell her.<P>The wife cannot repair the damage to the marriage if this secret is kept from her. She has a right to know what is going on in her marriage. Eventually she will find out and it can be much more devastating to know that others were in a position to tell her and didn't.<P>Of course you are the one who knows these people and the only one who can truly guage their reactions. There is always the possibility that the wife is aware that something is going on and is very alone and unsure of what tod do. Bringing it out in the open will give her the opportunity to deal with it.<P>In my situation, an aquaintance told me what was going on with my H. I had known for over a month and was dealing with the ongoing affair. This woman found out when my H, out at the bar, decided to go to the OW and told all his friends there. Because I already knew, it was not a shock. However, I knew that this woman was only trying to help and I had a lot of admiration for her. It took a great deal of courage to tell me. There were a lot of people that knew what was going on. Some chose to gossip and avoid eye contact with me. This woman chose to take action and she is now one of my closer friends. The ones who knew and did nothing? For them I have lost a great deal of respect.<P>This is just my experience but I wanted to share it with you because sometimes it does help to hear what has happened in other situations.

BTSgrBear,<BR>When you monitor the situation and see if your cousin tells his wife, be sure to step in immediately after he tells her in order to tell his wife what she needs to do now (no LBs, meet emotional needs etc.).<BR>Maybe you can even help your cousins wife by (prior to him telling his wife) trying to talk with your cousin about what he thinks is the reason for the affair (which emotional needs were not being met etc.)?<P>scandinavian

Read Frank Pittman's "Private Lies". He states that "sharing a secret with someone else, and keeping the secret from your partner, is particularly dangerous." "If a friend wants you to keep a secret..., that person is asking you to betray [the] marriage for the sake of their friendship." <P>In my case my S sibling was in on the "secret" of my S's affair and never came to me with the information. Sibling actually aided and abetted the affair. If I had been informed about it at its inception it could have saved me, and our marriage, many years of excrutiating pain, S divorcing me, denial, lies and the agony of having to stuggle to rebuild.<P>The betrayed must be informed soonest, preferrably by the betrayer. It's the betrayed's right to know. Any delay only extends the inevitable and impedes the betrayer's seperation from the OP and the chances for recovery.<P>You're no friend to the betrayer and you'll be a lifelong enemy to the betrayed if you keep "THE SECRET". If my S's sibling had told me at the start they would have been my best friend. Their betrayal of my trust was almost as bad as my S's betrayal. I will be able to forgive my S but will hate the sibling forever.