I tried plan A and feel like a failure.H left anyways, i tried to make it pleasant so he would stay.i was working on selfish demands,in fact we had a whole weekend planned together and I was preparing myself by reading Lovebusting.But he packed and left the house on Sat morning.<P>I feel like I failed at the most important goal I have had in my life.We have been married for 19 years.bethn

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Beth}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Ok, Sweetie, have a good hard cry, dry your eyes and get ready for part 2!!!<P>This isn't over yet, not by a long shot. Hey, look at me, Woozy, Di (SDS), Jill (Crazy or What?) and so many more. We've all been right where you were and come out on the other side!!!!<P>It IS harder to deposit love units this way, but hey, it's easier not to Lovebust!!! And the space will make it easier to take on all that blasted "personal growth" you hear us talking about!! <P>You'll be ok, no matter what. Hard for Plan A to sink in when he's in the throes of the fantasy. But it IS making an impression. It's leaving it's mark and, when the time comes that his eyes open, all that you've done will come rushing to the surface!<P>You can't quit now. The battle's just begun! And it's still a war worth winning - a cause worth fighting for.<P>For me, Honey, it was more than worth it. And for all the months I wasn't getting anything, heck, I've ALREADY been paid back!<P>Hang in there. Take a day or two for yourself and don your battle gear! This is FAR from a lost cause.<P>Love and hugs,<P>Lori

LOri,<BR>You made me laugh,don the battle gear, you are right.It aint over till the fat lady sings!(whatever that means)<BR>In the meantime I plan On Not calling H till he calls me.Not hugging H till he hugs me.OW had a secret relATIONSHIP ON INTERNET WITH HIM.Now it will be my turn to email him without her knowing!When is it safe to write him tho.And did you sign every thing with I love you , I bet OW was threatened!( what does PT stand for)Thanks a million for responding twice to me. I feel better.bethn

Robert left in August and I waited until November to write.....the time just felt right by then and I trusted my intuition. But I DID give him a mushy anni card in October and another one for his b-day early November. Walked in and found the PERFECT cards just sitting there waiting for me!! Trust your instincts on this one.<P>Ok, now for a chuckle for you. I used to call OW "Sweetie". She was 20 years younger than me - seemed like just a child! But, alas, something happened and she was renamed by my wise and wonderful friends. Here, take a look at this one....might just brighten your day! Read it all now, the thread's not as important as the responses!! We're not disrespectful, we just used to take a problem, solve it and then have some fun! How do you think we got Warrior Princesses, frozen salmon and catapults. Oops, that's another thread! We'll get to that one when you need cheering up again! Enjoy your Pop Tarts!<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/009208.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/009208.html</A> <P>Love and hugs,<P>Lori

Oh, and btw - I ALWAYS said "I love you". At the end of every letter, every conversation, every visit. Usually I got "UH", nothing, or "I gotta go." But, tell you a secret, it was worth it the first time I heard "I love you, too!"<P>And......I hugged. Twice a visit. When he arrived - like I was SOOO glad to see an old friend (I was disgustingly cheerful and flirty most of the time) and to say goodbye (that's when I snuck in the "I love you"!) At first he was like a trapped rabbit, so I kept 'em short. But they got BETTER!!!<P>It'll be ok. YOU'LL be ok.<P>Read the PT thread.<P>Lori

Hi Beth, Sorry your H has gone. Mine is still here but we are putting our house up for sale and I am looking for another place to live on my own. yes, he still kisses me and hugs me, he is sorry and cares about me. When I tell him I love you he says I know you do. Nothing I say or do seems to make a bit of difference. When I have said too much or said something that hits a sore spot he says, We won't go there. He just finished washing my car for me. This is short, but I wanted to you to know I am here cheering for you and me also, in the midst of my heartbreak and confusion. In February I found out, he told me he didn't want to be married anymore and didn't feel the same about me. Sex had been practically nonexistent for a long time. He had always been my greatest supporter, my best friend to lean on and now I don't know what he is. Anyway, it's not expected to take long for the house to sell. keep in touch. Sweets.

Hi Lori,<P>Read poptart story,It was funny!Good thing she did nt know about LBing. <P>I think it is to early for me to hug and tell H I love him.Iwould love to ,but he just moved out so he needs space. <P>How can I demonstrate that I care still,without LBing?bethn

Hi Sweets ,<P>My D day is around FEb 14th .<P>" he told me he<BR> didn't want to be married anymore and didn't feel the same about me.<BR> Sex had been practically nonexistent for a long time. He had always<BR> been my greatest supporter, my best friend to lean on and now I<BR> don't know what he is". <P>I can relate to that,sounds familiar.MAYBE HOUSE WILL NOT SELL FASTKeep in touch,prayers to you.bethn

Hi Bethn,<P> I'm right there with you...this is the first weekend my H hasn't been with us. He said he needed more "space" to work things out with OW and make up his mind. Actually, I think she was giving him a hard time about spending every weekend with his family.<P> I told him he was free...to do what he had to do. I didn't answer his calls for a couple days, and now, when I do, I'm careful not to ask any questions. I was fairly certain he was staying with OW, but not sure until this evening when he called and her name showed up on ID. (It wasn't a shock, but it still hurts like h***.)<P> Funny thing is happening, tho. The last 2 nights when he called to say good-night to the kids, he sounded real furtive and nervous, like he was sneaking a call in the bathroom...he was very short, abrupt. But before he could hang up, I just said, "H, I love you." He said, "thanks."<P> This AM he left a message (while we were at church)that was very warm, saying "I love you and miss you" to each of the kids, then "I love you, too," to ME! When he called later, he asked if we had gotten his message...and added, "I really meant what I said." He went on to say some other positive things, including our getting back together over the summer. <P> Point is, I think having his freedom and being away from us is making him see things differently already. AND THIS IS WHILE HE'S SHARING SPACE WITH OW -- HIS FANTASY FOR THE PAST YEAR! <P> So don't despair, Bethn, this new phase may just surprise you. The thought of my H with OW, especially at night, is excruciating. But I'm staying in the battle and there's no way I'm going to let HER win. Now it seems he has to sneak calls to ME, and she's going to have to wonder what he's doing when he visits us. As I take pressure OFF, she's putting pressure ON. He's also going to see her more realistically. <P> Lori, your posts have been such a blessing to me (thanks for the wonderful Pop-Tarts...I needed a good laugh tonight!). I've been doing the same things you had mentioned since I learned of Plan A (careful, well-placed hugs and I love you's). I've also e-mailed H at work--cute cards and notes. I'm praying for the same success as you've enjoyed....<P>

Hi Camryn,<P>OW has not arrived in town yet so at least I dont have to face that,yet.Sounds like things are looking up for you,how do you know if hugs and Ilove you's are LBing?<P>Today when H came to pick up more clothes I waited aminute to see if he would hug me, and when he didnt, I hugged himand kissed him on the lips.He was in and out of here as fast as he could be,and when he left he didnt hug me but just said see ya.<P>His plans are to come here" when Iam at work on the evening shift" and cook for the kids,but one of our kids refuses to be here when H is here.SO what is the game plan for me,hugs and I love yous, or give him his distance.bethn

Hi Bethn,<P> This whole thing is such a delicate dance. Like Lori said, you really have to rely on your intuition -- and if you're a believer, (like I am) on God's wisdom.<P> After 19 years, you know your H very well -- even though he's acting like an alien now. He's still in there somewhere. Sometimes I just look at my H and ask, "Where did my H go? Is he ever coming back?"<P> It helps sometimes to think of him being sick...I imagine what he used to be, or what he'll be like when he gets well -- and that helps me have the positive attitude when I communicate with him (rather than the turn-off negative, mully-grubs attitude that I'm actually feeling)!<P> So give him distance -- I never force anything -- but when the urge hits, don't be afraid to give him the hug or "I love you." Just don't expect anything back right now. That will come in time.<P> Keep the faith...remember, the odds are in YOUR favor -- and God is on YOUR side!

Hey beth...<P>Hugs and I love you's are not an LB. He's not going to respond right now, but they do make a difference. Don't be afraid to give them. <P>Have you done something for you yet this weekend? Go get your hair done, or get a facial. Do something enjoyable. It's very easy to get caught up in things and to forget that you do have resources to bring you joy.

I've been reading the posts on here and couldn't stop crying. I'm going through the exact same thing now. Last night my H moved out the last of his things to his new apartment. I hugged and kissed him and told him "I love you." He hugged me really tight, but didn't say it back to me, even though he's told me several times days earlier that he did.<P>But before leaving, he went to spend time with the OW, who happens to live in the next building!!! It was so difficult to see him walk over there...I was hurt and angry at the same time.<P>I'm hoping the space he has will help him realize what he is giving up and will miss me. He said he is not letting anyone know where he lives or what his new phone # is, including not telling OW. He wants some serious time to himself and is considering counseling. I hope he was honest with me.<P>I caught the deception before it became physical, and asked him to stop seeing her. He said they were innocent dates with groups of people, so nothing really happened. But, I told him the fact that he turned to someone else durng our period of troubles, is a betrayal to me. He said he couldn't assure me that he would not see her, so I told him he had to leave and stop disrespecting me. He cried, but I told him he had to go and think about what he's doing.<P>I hope he misses me when he is alone. But, I'm glad you're all here to share your stories! It really helps.

Bethn,<BR> I know your pain all too well but as Lori said it's not yet. I was married for 16 years when my H left me for OW. He met her on the internet and she filled him so full of ****. she even made her kids lie for her.<BR> It was so hard to keep my mouth shut. I'm redhaired and Irish so keeping my temper in check was the hardest thing I've ever done. But I did it. I stayed calm I went on with my life as best I could and still tried to be the best wife I could under the circumstances. Sounds to me that your H may be going through mid-life crisis. Mid-life crisis is hell, for both of you. My H was so confused and just wanted to run away from everything. I let him do what he felt he needed at the time. It was hell believe me but in the end after 2 mos he came home and it's been hard but wonderful both. He was really depressed and confused yet when he came home. He felt so bad for what he did to his family. Got him to the Dr and he is now on prozac He is so wonderful now. He is the man I married maybe even better. we just went on our first vacation togeather after 17 yrs of marriage. We have become very close, so see it's not over. Click on my and lostva's histories and you will find alot of desperate posts to eachother but hey without her and the rest of my friends here I would have never made it through it. Stay on MB it will become an obsession for awhile but I sometimes felt it was my only life line. The only thing keeping me sane.<BR>For along time after we reconciled I couldn't come back here to the board the stories were too painful but lately I have been lurking more often and you know what the pain is almost gone. So I will be here for you if you need me.<P>Jill

Hi me again, I just read the other posts you wrote on this thread and picked up that you work the evening shift. I worked the evening shift for 16 years and that is what caused H to become so lonely. It's really hard to maintain a marriage when you never see eachother but everyother weekend and everyother Wed night. I have now changed shifts and it has made alot of difference. It hurt the pocketbook some but hey who care when you have your family.

To Camryn,& Beth28,<BR>Thanks for your kind words.Looks like I wont be hugging H for awhile or telling him I love you.Steve says it is time for plan B.Scary that it has come down to this.Do you know anyone who did plan B and is in recovery?bethn<P>Hi kuuipo,<P>Iam so sorry for your pain.Itis a good and bad to have to be in MB forum.The reason we are here hurts beyond beleif,but this forum is my lifesaver.beth<P>Hi jill,<P>your story gives me hope that the marriage can turn out well in the end. Steve wants me to go on panb which invovles sending H that letter.Iwill also send OW same letter.But it feels like a LB(the letter)because I will tell OW number 1 that there is a OW number 2 also.Tired ,need sleep.bethn

Yeah, I think LostVa tried a plan B successfully.

Beth,<P><B>Medic</B> is on the beginings of recovery after a hard Plan B.<P>There was another veteran who helped me alot who is also in full recovery...<BR>...you might see him every now and then...<BR><B>Paul Moyers</B>. He too had a hard time in Plan B.<P>I'm going to check out your Plan B letter now.<P> <P>Jim

Beth,<BR>I'm a Plan B failure . I just couldn't get the hang of it, but I wish I had. My H's affair began 4/98, he has left me 7 times, for a total of something like 14 months, this time since Jan...we're close to recovery, but still separated and just goofed up.<P>Hindsight tells me that I should have been in Plan B, but when I got to that point, my H let me know he did want to spend time with me...and I never made it over the hump of distancing myself and I'd call. I think if I had done a good Plan B my lovebank would not have drained dry and I would not have tried so desperately in Jan-Mar to get out of the marriage. Memories of which my H is now having difficulties.<P>So, if SteveH is advising it, and my counselor also advised me to do something very similar to Plan B, you do it. Come here for your support.<P>My H also says my months of Plan A did have a positive effect on his change of heart. He wanted to hear that I loved him, even though for a long time he couldn't/didn't say it back.<P>I wish you the best.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10