OK, we have all been there, done that, right? I have done things I hate to think about, and yet I see some on here going even further.<P>But now I need to quit, I want to quit, but it is so hard. I find things and it just hurts me and since I can't tell him I'm snooping and confront him what good does it do me? I have cut down, but the Holiday was here and I was back at it.<P> So, those of you who have stopped snooping for your own mental health, share with me how you did it. My H EA/PA? is ongiong. Any help out there?<BR>Lora<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lora:<BR><B> OK, we have all been there, done that, right? I have done things I hate to think about, and yet I see some on here going even further.<P>But now I need to quit, I want to quit, but it is so hard. I find things and it just hurts me and since I can't tell him I'm snooping and confront him what good does it do me? I have cut down, but the Holiday was here and I was back at it.<P> So, those of you who have stopped snooping for your own mental health, share with me how you did it. My H EA/PA? is ongiong. Any help out there?<BR>Lora</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Dear Lora, I quit because I'm not good at being secretive. I realize that by letting him know how I found things out I have dried up my information sources. The more I know the more it hurts. I believe that when H walks the dog at night he talks to OW on the cellphone, but I don't ask. He always walks at the same time, so maybe they have an arrangement that she's free then. <P>I don't have the guts to snoop, I don't like how it makes me feel about myself. Though I have skeletons in my closet (from before our marriage) that will stay there till my dying day, I believe the whole nature of a marriage is trust and openness. I'm not gettin all high and mighty here or on a moral high horse, but the pain from learning new things is too debilitating.<BR> <P><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Lora<P>I snoop and snoop a lot. I hate doing it because it is dishonest but I also can't help it. I did not do it before this started and I hate that I have to do it now. One thing I do know that as much as it hurts to read and see some of this, for me it is better because I am one that would think the very worse which eventualy would get to me. This is better and I know its not for everyone. Sorry I cannot help you but I'm sure someone will be along to help.<P>Love and Prayers for All!!<P>J W

Lora<BR>Dumb question here: Why can't you confront H about what you find? Because it is a LB or are there other reasons?<P>The reason I ask is because I had to talk to my H about what I found. I didn't have to snoop. In the first place he was VERY bad at hiding things. I would find receipts on my dresser because he dumped his pockets. Yes he was very very insane. <BR>Secondly, I do his books and the man literally must give me every receipt. NOT fun.<P>My point is that I had to talk to him about these things and I think it helped him back to reality. In the beginning, I very gently told him that I had found something. I tried to keep it to myself but it hurt too much. I felt that if I told him what was bothering me that we could shelf it. If I found things and didn't tell him, they would grow more painful.<P>There were days where I could have turned the whole house into a bonfire because of the paper trail I had to deal with. Once we calmly talked about each thing, and I explained how it was hurtful, it became a truth. Not a lie or secret creating a wall.<BR>

i agree - why can't you confront him? sorry but i don't know your story so i thought i'd ask. my h says his affair has ended but he still sees her at work, so i am still snooping - i just can't help it. that's how i found out things to begin with, otherwise it would probably still be going on! but i have to admit, the minute i found stuff, it was all i could do not to go off on him immediately. what have you found? maybe it would help you when you find something to post it here and get some opinions about what you should or shouldn't do. i say keep on snooping unless you just want to be kept in the dark. good luck

Wasstubborn and cac,<P> I can't tell him because I have found things by going through his backpack and truck and wallet. I initally confessed my snooping and showed him what I found and he denied it all. He has become a little more secrative and alot more angry at me for snooping. He blames me for not trusting him. No, I have not found evidence they are sleeping together, so he is able to deny everything, they are just friends.<P> Belle, Good for you, you are probably better able to plan A without snooping.<P> JW, I can see your point too, but everything I find just upsets me. But then again if I don't snoop, will I just be in denial of what is going on?<BR>Lora

Remember that defensiveness is a sure sign that something more is going on. My wife used to get really upset when I would find things. I told her "don't do them and there won't be anything to find." But she kept going.<P>I still snoop, even though she is with OM, but I don't tell her anything. She is letting her finances go, so I just check up on that from time to time.<P>

Lora<BR>Thanks for explaining.<BR>I will put some thought into this.<BR>In my case I got so sick of having to see the evidence I would cringe each time I saw a receipt. It was better though to know what was going on. At least I had some control over my life.<BR>The problem comes in when we start obsessing.<P>Maybe you could treat it like quitting smoking? Have some alternative activity planned for when you get that awful urge to snoop. If the snooping is hurting you it isn't good.<P>Wassi

From a snooper - big time..... <P>when I had a good amount of information - I told my husband what I was doing - but since the information coming in was becoming quite disturbing - I needed to also stop - I didn't want to know any more. <P>Myhusband was starting to get weirded out about what I was learning. Since I really needed my husband to see a counselor, I made a deal with him - I told him I would stop if he would go and that's where we are now. <P>When I started snooping - there was a set of facts I needed to find out - there are still a couple I'd like to know, but I was certainly spending way too much time - so I made the deal and actually - it opened more doors for us and we are moving forward for the first time in quite awhile. Some things are painful, but we ARE making our way through it.

lora,<P>sorry but i think you need to keep snooping. i hate to say it but i was the same way. i confronted my h when i found credit card receipt for dinner when he was supposed to be at a meeting - that's when it all started. i also found the outrageous cell phone bill that showed all the calls they had been making. same story - "we're just friends." like i told him, you should not have a friend of the opposite sex outside of our marriage that you cannot share with me. i'm not saying he can't have a female friend, but it should be someone i'm friends with too, not someone he has to hide from me. when they're hiding stuff or just simply not telling you things, it's wrong. and it usually means there's something going on. you're just going to have to keep looking and go with your gut feelings. he denied it even when i found him at her apartment - said he was just picking up some paperwork!! i confronted the ow and she's the one who actually told me, though she had previously denied it to me over the phone as well. i think she told me because i had made a comment before about how i knew they were just friends because if there was something going on, i wouldn't still be with him. so i think she told me thinking i would kick him out and she could have him - NOT!!! sometimes reverse psychology does work! anyway, sorry for rambling. i just found another receipt (nothing to do with affair) that shows the time on it (be sure to look for the date and time on receipts!) and it's diff't than what it should have been. now i'm starting to worry again. oh well, i'll just keep my eyes wide open! good luck and keep posting.

I think they call it obsessive compulssive <BR>behavior. Its a good thing I didnt' find out about all that I could have done, I probably would have waited before confronting, and it imight have been to late, it was a EA when I caught it, it was destined for PA status shortly I am sure. BUt we are going great now, 7 mos after d-day. I still check email , which is where I caught it, I have monitoring software running stealth all the time, she kows it though. Actually caught our teenage son in places he shouldn't be. <BR>I would of tapped the phone, done crazy stuff, glad I didn't the Cell phone bill was badd enough.<P>------------------<BR>jnvc

You just stop.<P>You stop because it's not getting you anywhere.<P>You find things. You confront. H denies. You don't have photos of actual physical contact. You and I know that such contact doesn't have to exist for it to be a problematic relationship, but in your H's eyes, if it ain't the horizontal mambo, it ain't an affair.<P>Snooping/confronting is a LB, no matter how justified a LB it is.<P>Keep focusing on YOU, not on him. He has his own problems. <P>And you know what? When he's ready for you to find out, I'll bet he'll leave evidence in plain view.<P>And PS -- it's always possible that IN HIS MIND he really believes that he's just friends with this woman -- and that the marital problems are your fault because you're suspicious and you snoop.<P>This is why I had to stop. I wasn't finding anything other than E-mail messages indicating that he needed to talk to Dragon Lady because he couldn't talk to me. All those messages did was make me more suspicious, and when I'd try to confront, I got "You don't trust me." And I didn't, but I had no ammunition at all. None. <P>I was in danger of creating a self-fulfilling prophesy.<P>And remember...he can't read your mind, and he doesn't come here.

I snoop to try and determine how my Plan A efforts are going. Early on, wife asked for my trust and if I couldn't give it, she said to go ahead and check up on her to prove it to myself. That was several months ago. At first, there was nothing. Now, I see the EA/PA is still happening. I often don't like what I see, but I will continue to snoop because I feel it's a small way to feel some sense of control over my life. It also keeps my imagination in check better.

Dazed and Confused hit the nail on the head. Having evidence about whats going on and confronting my wife the first time really got here thinking about what was going on. It also gave me a clear picture about how to deal with it. I don't need anymore evidence, I have a hard enought time being at home as it is let alone getting angry/frustrated/crying about another discovery.<P>Work on yourself, keep your self esteem. You know what happening, they know whats happening. Future discoveries only hurt you and drive your spouse further away when confronted.

I quit snooping, but that was after I was pretty sure that contact had ended. It really had to be a conscious choice. If you find yourself wanting to (when you make the decision to stop) distract yourself. Go for a walk, take a bath, go weed the garden, just get away from the source of temptation. That helps.

Sometimes you stop because your heart says you've had enough...the old, empty lovebank. I've stumbled across just as much stuff & he's probably told me as much when I've not been looking as I found when snooping. However, I wasn't particularly good at snooping.

This is coming from the Queen of Snooping. I am very good at snooping. I should be a private detective. My H was not very good at hiding things. In fact he said he had nothing to hide, and that if he didn't want me to find things, I wouldn't. NOT!! That was just a tactic to get out of trouble. It really didn't work and eventually we separated because of alot of things. But the spark that lit the fuse was me finding a phone number and checking his cell phone and seeing that he had called that number that day. I confronted him and boy did he get mad. The phone number did belong to someone at his work. But why would you call your secretary on a Sunday?? Anyway, long story, but we fought and he left for a month. Boy did we do some major work in that month. He came to his senses and wound up begging me to let him come home. I did some major changes too and have a whole lot of things to work on. <P>I drove his truck the other day by myself and did not snoop one bit. His cell phone, briefcase and everything was in the truck. I knew that I had to resist and I did. Snooping and confronting is a major love buster and I am trying very hard not to do any more of that. Believe me I have done my share of that. Right now we are really doing good and I haven't had any reasons to doubt him. I can't say that if I got suspicious again that I wouldn't snoop again. I hope it never comes to that. I know that I am going to do my best to not do it without reason as that would only be dishonest and would not conform to my plan to rebuild our love for one another. I wish you the best.<P>I have given up my crown and hope that noone else picks it up. Snooping usually leads to pain and doubt. I hope to never do it again.<P>Cindy

Hi Lora, <P>I have to agree with what Dazed and Confused wrote; everything. If you haven't found anything concrete, then stop. It will only cuase you pain since he diesn't know you are snooping. It's a no-win situation for all. <P>cac has an excellent point about opposite sex friendships. It's the way things SHOULD be; but in most cases they aren't. Too often, opposite sex friends (especially the ones that a spouse doesn't know about) are breeding grounds for affairs. Unless you have concrete evidence, you have no case. <P>We all become hypersensitive to things that our spouse says to someone of the opposite sex - especially now. We read into the messages more than what's really there. <P>You need to focus on your relationship with your husband, NOT on his relationship with someone else. Be the very best wife you know how to be. Your goal is too pull him back to the marriage and help him remember why he fell in love with you in the first place. <P>EA's are probably harder to break than PA's because the line was never crossed in their mind. As Dazed said, if it isn't the physical act, then there is no affair. Now, we all know emotional infidelity is just as crushing to our spirit. But, if he hasn't crossed the physical line yet then keep in mind he is still holding that sacred for you. <P>I say, quit snooping; at least quit for a few months. The cloud of despair will lift and it will help you in your Plan A. Don't be afraid to talk to your husband about your marriage and how you feel. After all, the lack of communication is how many of us got into this mess. <P>Do your best, <P>SHA<P>------------------<BR>There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.

Lora,<BR>I did a lot of snooping and was able to gather a lot of information. (phone tap, broke into office, computer) The only thing it seemed to accomplish was to hurt me and to give my husband something to justify his actions! Also, he has told me on numerous occassions that he will NEVER,EVER FORGIVE me for snooping. Unless you plan to use the information in court, I am not sure what constructive use the information might have.<P>In my case, I decided that not only was my husband making bad choices, but I was too.<BR>My snooping made me feel bad about me, and him. I decided that I want to be able to get up in the morning and like myself, even if no one else does. It was hard at first, but has gotten easier as I go along. Believe it or not, I actually feel some of the depression lifting even though I could not tell you if my husbands habits have changed--<BR>internet affairs. The hardest thing was to refrain from trying to look in his computer.<BR>I used a technique that worked for me, but may not for everyone. When I had the temptation to snoop. I would stop and say a prayer and give my husband and his computer to God. I would tell God that I knew that I could not trust my husband, but that I Would trust Him. I feel that the truth will come out eventually. Every day that I refuse to snoop, I feel stronger and more in control of my own life. If my husband decides to leave me for "his computer" or "someone else", I know that I have done everything possible to save the marriage. <BR>That doesnt mean that I dont fall off the wagon on occassion, but the falls are less frequent. I felt my snooping gave him complete control of me, but I had none over him. Good luck! (to all of us)

Lora, Further thoughts on snooping:<P>I consider it a weakness in myself not to be able to keep secret from my H what I have found. I am like the dog in the joke, he is playing poker with his master and the master's friends, and he is a very good player, really knows the game. One of the owner's friends says "What a smart dog!" and the owner says "Aw, he's not so smart. Whenever he gets a good hand, he wags his tail." <P>Once I know something, I blurt it out pretty soon. I would know so much more, like being able to assess the progress of the relationship, had I kept my mouth shut. <P>In therapy he complained that their friendship had just about died thanks to me. But I used to look in the check register to see how much his cell phone bill was, and angrily told him that in XX month his bill had soared past $300, so I knew he was talking a lot with HER. And get this. He gets mad at ME for spying on him! (The guy with nothing to hide!) So for all I know he got a separate cell phone - see, I shot myself in the foot.<P>But your question was, how did people stop snooping for their mental health. So to answer you, I messed up my own sources by not being able to keep my knowledge to myself. That is how I stopped snooping. Maybe it was unconscious; I knew it would be too upsetting and so I blew it.<P>????<P><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess