I am so tierd of being on this roller coaster ride. The one who was betrayed, but the one who has to constantly change. I apologize for being so down tonight, maybe I n eed to take up drinking.lol. <BR> He just acts like he is so happy when all the while I am dying inside. How much do we have to put up with? How long do you have to be hurt over and over before you say it is enough? TOday I don't not feel like this person with great strength, I feel like an idiot. One who stays against most even MIL advice to leave. DO I enjoy pain? Am I just scared of being alone? These questions turn in my head 24/7. <BR> Really how can I committ to saying I love my H so much when he turned out to be the exact opposite of what I thought. So what I really love is this Idea of what I thought he was? RIght? I am on the very edge of calling OW I know everyone says it is a bad idea, but he has shown himself to be a total liar so why believe him when he says he never has contact. I really feel like this is all making me crazy. <BR> People should really stop taking the word LOVE so lightly. Cause really how can a person even begin to say they love someone and hurt them in the worst way possible? That is not love:???? <P>------------------<BR>God is our refuge and STRENGTH,<BR>A very Present help in trouble.<BR>Psalm 46:1<BR>I sought the Lord and he heard me, <BR>and delivered me from all my fears.<BR>Psalms 34:4<P>

I know how you feel. I am new here so I don't know how good at giving advice I'll be, but I still wrestle everyday at how someone who was suppose to love you could do the worst thing imaginable to there spouse and children. How do we get past that? I don't know the other woman in my husbands life (someone he met over the internet) but I don't know what I would do if I was able to contact her.

First of all, let me say I can relate to your pain --- but from a different angle. I was the one who had an affair in my marriage ---- it wasn't something I ever planned. After 8 years of a fairly happy marriage (with the usual ups and downs) I found myself in a situation I couldn't control --- I became attracted to a co-worker when my husband was fairly unavailable. Not like that is an excuse --- but I got caught up in a situation with another man because I so desperately needed some emotional bond with someone --- and my husband wasn't available for me --- and in return for the emotional support I needed, I met the physical needs of this other man. I hated myself. My husband eventually found out about it --- we went through a year of counseling and now we are divorcing ---- because we have been on the same emotional roller coaster ride. He filed for divorce, he moved out ---- I accepted that my actions caused this ---- and I have accepted the end of our marriage --- now, as for you ---- the only advice I can really offer is that if you love your husband, let him go emotionally and love him with freedom --- in other words, if you love him, give him space and give him freedom ---- chances are he will choose you once again and realize his mistakes and all will get better. Dr. Harley's books are wonderful --- but they don't solve everything --- there is a slight chance, your husband can't get over his mistake --- he can't forgive himself --- even if he does love you --- and that will keep him from loving you --- or ever truly loving anyone. I know it is hard to see, but we are all human --- in a very real way --- and none of us is perfect ---- we make huge mistakes --- only God can truly forgive us and love us wholely --- the most important thing you can do is love God and let His love embrace you and tell you that you are worthy and loved no matter who else loves you or doesn't love you ---- you have to focus on your relationship with God --- and then all the rest will fall into place. Calling the other woman or trashing your husband's name in public won't do anything to make you feel better --- only making yourself better and loving your husband whether he chooses to be with you or apart from you will make you feel better. Hope this helps --- sorry if it comes across harshly --- especially from someone who has been the adulteress --- but we are all human ---- and I am not perfect --- but I do know that God loves me --- and He forgives me --- no matter what happens. God bless you --- keep praying and keep your faith!

Elle,<BR>Thank you for your post, and yes you are right God does forgive 100%. It is us that have such a hard time with it. <BR> The way I see it right now, granted only 2 months since discovery is that the pain might not be as bad 3 yrs from now but I will never forget or ever feel that safeness that I once felt ever again. <BR> It is amazing that such a short 2 week fling can cause a lifetime of pain.<P>------------------<BR>God is our refuge and STRENGTH,<BR>A very Present help in trouble.<BR>Psalm 46:1<BR>I sought the Lord and he heard me, <BR>and delivered me from all my fears.<BR>Psalms 34:4<P>

After H says he never wants to talk about OW says he feels and felt nothing for her, Finally he responds. <BR> I was telling him how since this began I spent all my time thinking about the pain I felt towards him. ANd though this is 70% right I have not ( until today ) gotten upset about OW. I am finally to that point I told him. What right does some young little Sl*t have to walk into mine and my childrens life and destroy it. I said she owe's me an apology!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I want it, and he said yes she does! HE finally talks. This may not be a big deal but it fealt good to hear him say that. he has time and again told me how sorry he is, well why shouldn't she?<BR> I think I have made up my mind to just do it, I am going to call her later tonight. I would also like to say just one thing to her. <BR> One day when you grow up and get married and have kids and a happy little life, I pray that no Sl*t walks into your life and shatters it, because I would not want anyone to feel the pain I am going through.<BR> Is it too much to expect an apology????????? <P>------------------<BR>God is our refuge and STRENGTH,<BR>A very Present help in trouble.<BR>Psalm 46:1<BR>I sought the Lord and he heard me, <BR>and delivered me from all my fears.<BR>Psalms 34:4<P>

No, it's not too much to want an apology, but don't be surprised if you don't get one.<P>I have been on both sides, betrayed and then betrayer. In both cases, there were apologies. The worst of the OW apologized to me (there were several) and in my case, when the W contacted me, I apologized. But it doesn't always happen. Just reading around here I read of OW who say terrible, hateful, horrible things.<P>Be careful, don't wear your heart on your sleave with the OW and don't expect much. That way, if you get that apology, you can be truly thankful. If it turns out she's a cow about it, then you won't have lost anything. <P>Does that make sense?<BR><P>------------------<BR>The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction, not a destination.<BR>-Carl Rogers<P>

New Beggining:<BR> Yes that does make sense, thank you. I have been for 2 weeks trying to think of every scenario of what might happen, even down to her telling me she is pregnant. But You are right I should not go into it expecting an apology, because in all actuality I probably won't get it.<P>------------------<BR>God is our refuge and STRENGTH,<BR>A very Present help in trouble.<BR>Psalm 46:1<BR>I sought the Lord and he heard me, <BR>and delivered me from all my fears.<BR>Psalms 34:4<P>

I know exactly how you feel but I don't think that it is a good idea and I strongly encourage you to reconsider.<P>Most of the people here would give anything to be in the place that you are in, havng their S back and having him regretting his actions and trying so hard to make up for his mistake.<P>The obession you have with this OW is totally understandable but it is not healthy.<BR>I have had the same feeling and urges and sometimes still do but it does get easier. <P>You must let it go and concentrate on what you have to do now and that is to make you life enjoyable and dwelling only makes it more miserable.<P>It isn't fair, and I know that you feel like you have suffered all this pain and you are left to put the pieces back together when she got off scott free but women like that don't feel remorse and you most certainly will not get an apology.<P>My H gets mad when he thinks of it too. I also told him how mad I was that her mere existance caused me so much pain and that it didn't seem fair that she got off so easy and he feels the same way but when you get right down to it, you can't do a thing about it except make your recovery harder for you both and I know that you don't want to destroy what you have accomplished.<P>You can not pay her back for your pain that she most definately helped create, the best revenge you can have is making it work and not giving her the satisfaction.<P>What goes around also comes around and sometime in her life you rest assured that she will think back on this and see it in a new light. God moves in mysterious ways, but let him take care of it because he CAN do it much better than we can.<P>Please I know that the resentment is hard to face and deal with sometimes but don't let her hurt you anymore than she already has. You must let it go and think about you and your H and leave her in the past where she belongs.<P>Genie

Hi secret..<P>I'm sorry you are going thru this - I was too.<P>I did call the OW, and told her that I could take the pain personally, but I felt for my children. I also told her that what goes around, comes around, and that one day, she WOULD find herself in the same situation.<P>Her response was a very cocky "Well, I hope it doesn't"<P>I told her that I knew it would.<P>I didn't get any apology for what she has done to my life, and the lives of my children, she may have been shocked at being confronted (albeit over the ph.) but there was no shame or remorse in her voice at all.<P>But, I felt better for saying the things I did to her. There was no swearing, name calling or shouting, just calm talking on my part. But she knows the disgust I feel, and she knows I despise her.<P>I did feel better, but I didn't ring her looking for anything from her. I think you may need to think about the same thing. Just let her know that it will happen to her one day - that what goes around comes around.<P>Best of luck to you, and know you are very lucky to have your H home, and regretting his actions. Make the most of that, and work on you and your H. If he is so genuinely sorry - you have every chance in the world of having a wonderful marriage again. <BR>Make your call, get it out of your system, and then enjoy the rest of your life with your new, wiser, wonderful H.<P>Take care of you<P>Jo

Bonnet, <BR>DO you in any way regret phoning OW. I know everyone says no, but I feel like I need to. I so appreciate everyone's advice and usually follow it but on this one I just cannot seem to agree. Did she say things that suprized you or was she predictable? <P>------------------<BR>God is our refuge and STRENGTH,<BR>A very Present help in trouble.<BR>Psalm 46:1<BR>I sought the Lord and he heard me, <BR>and delivered me from all my fears.<BR>Psalms 34:4<P>