OK, I just wnt to say THANKS for all the support and advice. It is Monday morning and I just came sownstairs and H has moved his computer into the bedroom so that he can chat, surf whatever without my interference or "being upset" or being tempted to snoop.<P>I think I have had it. I will go see a divorce lawyer asap . I have places I can go and I just don't want to endure this anymore for the hope that he will come around and love me again as a life mate. I think it would have been easier in so many ways if he had moved out. The only reason he didn't is because he felt he had no place to go.<P>He really is screwed up badly. He is presently out buying wood for me so that he can make a screen for my bedroom window!!<P>I am not crying and I am not upset. I am turning cold...

Hannah...Hannah...Hannah!!!<P>Your H's behaviors are not so different from most of the others around here.<P>He is actually acting better than a lot of them!!!!<P>It is you who must take some action and make changes to get this marriage back on track right now.....you H is not in the real world and you are!!!<P>So, what are YOU going to do? NOTHING?<P>Just keep rationalizing and putting it all on him and his behaviors? Ignore what you have or can learn here and just take the easy way of giving up? How would that contribute to your growing and learning? You just want to "move on" and find another relationship so that you can go through this again cuz you didn't fix things with yourself the first time? <P>Honey, think long and hard on this. YOu can't keep procrastinating about DOING your part!!! YOU have to pick yourself up and start applying yourself. NO MORE avoiding!!!<P>Leave H alone about what he is into at the moment....truly let yourself believe that he is sick...an addict!! He needs help.......YOU are that help!!!!<P>Change your attitude, get out of the funk. Stop hiding in your room or behind a book!! If H goes in his room, then take over the rest of the house and cheer it up!!! Play some upbeat music, flutter around doing things. Laugh, hum, whistle, whatever it takes to get yourself in an upbeat mood!!!<P>Be respectful towards H, even if he is being an idiot!!! Idiots need love and respect too!!!!! Show him through your own behavior what he is missing out on!!<P>YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!<P>It just takes a good self talking to!!!<BR>A little motivation and some positive thinking!!! <P>Remember, you have to STOP reacting to him and what he does!!! Don't be needy and let him see that you can LIVE and be HAPPY even if he is not!!!! Now, go reread your posts again!!!<P>BIG HUGS, PRAYERS & STRENGTH,<P>Sheba

Thanks Sheba, I am not looking for a new relationship other than a kinder one with myself. I just want to get somewhere that I do not have to see his daily pulling away from what we had..I simply wish to get away from what, I think & feel, is becoming a very unhealthy environment for me. I mean, it's one thing to not let another's actions or behavior affect you, but, I think perhaps that his reality is valid for him and that my wish for our reconciliation might be nothing more than my ego wanting him to want me. I would like to imagine him as an addict and not well but, isn't it also quite possible that he is finally growing up and wishes to become the person he has been afraid to be for so many years.. Now, he is playing his music almost nightly, now he is reading books, now he is losing weight. These things are good for him and he appears to be quite content. Before, he didn't seem to care about anything and was gaining weight and laying in bed all the time.<P>Who the heck am I to fight this? Perhaps our relationship & marriage was simply God's way of getting us to this point so we could learn what we needed and move on? I mean, I NEVER would have left NYC if it were not for H and now, I know I enjoy aspects of small town living and now I know how to drive!! He has met someone who I knew & loved so I can easily understand how he became attracted to her. She is beautiful, intelligent, sensitive, witty, mystical, kind, and soft spoken with REALLY LONG HAIR. I have been a cold, sarcastic, angry, weepy person for about 2 years off & on.. I know NOW what many of my issues were and I fully take responsibility for them. I just don't really see how:<P>1) He is going to want to ever stop getting "his fix" since she enjoys him also.<BR>2) My staying here and forcing myself to pretend that I am a happy-go-lucky whistling person while H is in the room chatting with her is "healthy" for me (or honest).<P> Look, I am not arguing here, but I am searching for the value of sticking this out.??? I am only in an occassional funk when I am home with him. I actually am starting to feel a lot better about myself and not letting his behavior affect my sense of worth. So why would I want to continue to be in an awkward & painful situation that I must force myself to ignore? It is perfectly legit to be sad/angry/hurt/confused, isn't it? I mean, I am not letting him dictate my feelings, I am not willing to ignore my feelings....<P>Am I making any sense?<P>I realize that this site is for people who wish to build/rebuild their marriage and that is why I came here and have been coming here daily since I found this site.. <P>I know that only I can decide what I truly want. I am not asking you or anyone else to make that decision for me. I guess I am almost pleading for someone to explain to me in a way that it makes sense to me that it is a good thing for me to act "as if" everything is OK !?!?<P> I may be at the point where I am searching & questioning if I really want the marriage to work. There were so many things that I stopped doing that I enjoyed after I moved up here and I had finally come to the point where I almost accepted that my H hardly ever wanted to do outdoor things... I was convincing myself that it was "ok" that he literally would hole up in bed watching tv even when we were on vacation. C'mon, that's not a partnership...If who I am and what I had to offer was never enough of an incentive for him to want to go outdoors and play, then maybe we were not meant for each other...If the person I was with him did not entice him to be the best that he could be, maybe I was not the best that i could be with him? We helped each other heal from old wounds and provided a safe sanctuary for awhile but even now, I think.. if he can be satisfied with this limited contact with the OW, then how much does my H really want or need from an intimate relationship?<P>You know, even as I sit here & write this, I am gratified that I have an outlet. Thank you. PS Before I left the house today, I went in to H's bedroom and gave him a hug and told him that I loved him...I can do a bit of acting "as if" but I can't seem to muster up the energy to do much more. Also, I never was the type to dance around the house whistling (and cleaning) so... that may be why I do not wish to start now <VBG>

Hannah:<BR> You are quite right that you are the only one who can decide if you want the marriage to work. Maybe you do not, maybe it is not worth the struggle (and it IS a struggle). If I had no children, I might not have tried (and, if I recall, you do not have children?). However, at this point, I'm glad I did. <P> It is really up to you. If you decide you want to work on your marriage, it takes a good deal of work, an investment of time, some admitting where you were at fault, and a number of knocks to the ego. At some point, your H has to decide to work also...one spouse can hold the marriage together for a while (giving the other time and motivation to decide to work on it also), but cannot repair it all alone. One thing that is often suggested is to give PlanA a certain length of time (4-6 months) with the knowledge that you will move to PlanB if you've not seen improvement by then.<P> Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that there is a good chance your marriage can get thru this and end up stronger...but there are no guarantees. The decision is up to you alone, but we'll cheer for you!!!<P>Kathi<P>

Ok, Hannah, you still around???<P>Been worried about you. Gave you a little time to think. Not so sure about the rationalizations you came up with, but it IS your decision! And we're here for you, no matter what!<P>c'mon, girl. speak!<P>Lori

Thanks for the comments folks. Yes, I am still around. I am getting better but not in the direction I was hoping to move. H & I are caring and covil and considerate but when all is said and done, I think it is time for me to leave for awhile (not before speaking to a lawyer) and then, move on with my life. I appreciate all the advice I have gotten here and perhaps, if we had children, I might be much more willing to give it a few months of Plan A. But, ya know, as soon as we moved up here, I started to get the sense that my life was turning into something that I deep down didn't really want so perhaps it is meant to be that I leave H so he can live his life happily and I can find mine at peace with GOD! I am much more spiritual than I ever felt like admitting to my H because he is a devout atheist. Lots of reasons to move on...<P>Sure, if he decided that he was ready to work at the marriage, then maybe I would stay, but, he really never had the committment idea down. He wanted an easy simple life without having to work at anything but his music so I made it hard for him to stay happy go lucky...<BR> <BR>Anyways, I am starting to feel sad writing like this. Maybe I'm also a bit ashamed that I am giving up on our marriage but I think it's long overdue...

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Hannah}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori