Hi i'm new to this group i've been in the EN group posting since april 1, before realizinging the many other forums here.<P>My story i've been with my h for 12 yrs since the age of 16 he was my first love and we married when i was 19 he's 7 yrs my senior. We divorced after 6 yrs when he found out i had an affair during one of our many brief separations, i couldn't handle his addictions, the abuse and arguing so i found what i wasn't getting at home. after the D he cleaned up and we remarried after 2 yrs and he's been clean and sober for 6 yrs.<P>My post:<BR>I apologize ahead of time for prattling on but i am so full i could hurt him or bust.<BR>if you get tired of reading just skip down to the bold stuff<P>I posted already that my h hasn't talked to me in 4 weeks (I WANT TO SCREAM post at EN). anyway my h left w/his bro. for the wknd to see his other bro. for a bike race out of town, since we hadn't been talking i was glad to hear that he was going away. that fri. i offerd him my HNHN book to read with all the hilights i had made, i told him he didn't have to read the whole thing just he hilighted parts if he wanted to, and i told him he could take the cover off if he didn't want anyone to know what he was reading, he accepted it, b4 leaving he just pressed his mouth to my cheek and said ok i'm gone and started to walk out the door, i asked "you don't want to give me a hug, you might not make it back" he says "that's all the more reason for me not to" he saw the puzzled look on my face and he continued to say "so that i will have to come back to get one" .<P>i made the most of the wknd i guess it was my way of dulling the pain by partying. I got home 6 a.m. sun he gets in around 10a.m (i was hoping for a later arrival) i just ask him how was his trip he says "tiresome" and he asks if i was doing anything today i say not really and roll back over he gets in bed. i wake around 2pm, start puttering around.<P>he bought this laptop home last week for me to repair for a friend of his, once i got it working he asked if "we" should keep it, i said no what for we could get a better one but he insists that i break it (appear to be broke) so he could make them an offer, so i did (just to please him) because i knew if i didn't it would be somethng else for him to hold against me. he had asked later that week if i would sell them my old unit, i was going to give it to my sister and said no and then i thought about it and said yea because we could use the money, and he tells me never mind, i asked him if he was the only one that was allowed to change their mind as if i didn't have the right to. i just leave it alone. all the while i don't know what he's been telling his friend.<BR>i go ahead to get the old unit together to give to them and it's not working, he had previously taken the unit to someone to look at and in the midst my h took the processor off an put it back on WRONG so now it's no good. do i blow up at him, no i have to hold it in to save face, rather than telling him how i really feel, but does he give a damn, no. <P>back to today, i started on the laptop again, i don't know why i just did (should have left well enough alone) he was still sleep but in the meanwhile i get hungry and thought of going out to get something for us to eat he sees me getting ready to leave i asked if he wanted to go he says no that he had been on the road all wknd, i was trying to sneek out and be back befor he got up because i was afraid that if he knew that i was out of the house would be an opportunity for him to "love himeself" (masturbate) i don't even know why i worried i wasn't interested in it anyway, because of the way things had been going. i was in the bathroom and this time and i heard him coming down the hall and i froze in the mirror because i knew that he would see the laptop in the other room (open and running) he did i heard him say s*it, i didn't move then he came to the bathroom door and i moved out of his way and all he did was roll his eyes at me as he passed by i went back in when he left out, he went back to the laptop by the time i came out he was putting it together. i had left out a heat shield and told him that it needed to go back in, he says "well it's not going back in this is not a game and even if you did put it in i already broke it and it wouldn't work anyway"<BR>i asked him why is it that you don't want these people to have the machine he ask why are you worried about it, i asked y are you being so mean about it he goes "i don't know maybe i just woke up like that", then he tells me to leave to go get the food i tell him no and he tells me to give him the money back so that he can get his own, i just leave to go outside to the dogs. i come back in after a while to ask why did he come back acting the same way, he says nothing i ask the same question about the laptop he asks why am i worring about it, i ask why are you being so mean, he says nothing, i asked him you like exsisting like this, he says it's fine with me, i ask why won't you talk he says he has nothing to say and why was i bothering him, i said i haven't said anything to you in a month and i haven't been bothering you, he says well just keep doing that and everything will be alright. <P>I'm so pissed at this time i called his mother (he told me fri. that she and his dad were going on the trip as well) i asked her had she talked to him and she said that he didn't pass a test he had taken awhile back, but it wasn't a pass or fail it was just to let him know what he need to train on (i didn't even know he had failed it)and he said was that you weren't working and he had a lot of bills to pay but she defended me by saying that i was in school and that i wasn't going to always be without a job. i told her it's not like i have to ask him for anything i'm still paying my share of the bills and i don't need money from him. we chattered on some more and she says that she asked him when he was going to find another mode of transportation because he travels so far to and from work 1.5 hrs and he's on 2nd shift no rush hour, i responded to her i did it for 3 years and i traveled longer and farther than that and i didn't make a big deal out of it, and what's the need for more transportation we just got a 3yo used vehicle last year that i was paying for and i let him use until i got a job because he didn't want to drive his p/u to work, so what's the deal, he didn't appreciate me asking him to take over the note while he was driving it and i would take over his note until i got mine back, if it bothered him so he could have said no and given it back, but see that's his side wanting to impress people again, and he did just fill out a loan form for an expedition, he says now that he's in a new tax bracket he might as well look like it (what the f###), if you already complaing about bills what do you need another one for, but i don't say anything (he wants one because the boy down the street has one, i told him that was the only bill that the boy pays for, his mom told me that that was all he pays for). My h's mother is upitty she looks down on people with meanial positions in life, my sis. went to new years with us last yr at my h's mother's house and the guy that was performing as the live entertainment was a coworker of my h, well his mother asked him what he did at the place of business and the guy responded "i keep the grounds" and she whips her head around to my h and says i know you don't do that do you?! my sis says she's never seen anything like it, i told her that's how she is and that's how her son is always keeping up with the jones'. anyway after all that i'm still mad because i know her influence over him and it seems that he wants to please her so. i still need to eat.<P>i leave out with dogs in tow w/me on my return he's standing outside i give him the food he says nothing and i take care of the dogs when i get into the house i check the vcr he did "the dirty deed" (basterd )the rest of the evening i sit out in the front room watching videos and he's in the bedroom watching tv. <P>i called my friend and he tells me i hope you don't wake up one day and you're disgusted with the person you see in the mirror, i said i already am, he says no i mean a face with wrinkles and gray hair and you will look back and say why did i waste so much of my life living like this because you have been fighting this for years. i know this. he also said you need to find what will make you happy, i say i know but what, maybe it will get better after i finish shcool. and even then am i still running from my pain, is he going to find something else to get upset over or because he couldn't have his way? my friend also said he hates hearing me like this and that my esteem is almost nil and that i don't need to allow him to do this to me, but how can you help it.<P>why do i let him dictate my happiness as long as he's in a good mood so am i, and vise versa, when he's not around (if he's in a bad mood) i'm ok, but as soon as he comes around, i withdraw. we have no kids it is only us and our willingness to tolerate each other that binds us. i know on one of our reunions after a brief seperation i asked him if he wanted to be with me or just wanted to get out of the situation he was living in he said he wanted to leave the situation, he always asked do you want me to tell you what you want to hear or do you want the truth, i always chose truth.<P>This past week he did say few words but when he did he would snap at me, face all frowned up, and i would tell not to talk to me like that and he would adjust accordingly but it didn't last long before he was snapping again. I know a while back i was on him about the same thing i would tell him i know you don't talk to you coworkers/friends or family like that so why do you talk to me like that, he had no answer.<P><B>i'm scared and tired of being treated and manipulated like this, when do you throw in the towel and come to the conclusion that nothing that you do is working without consequences?</B><P><B>at what point do you realize that nothing you do will make them happy, and that you are fighting a loosing battle, because there will always be something else for them to complain about.</B><P>everytime he does things to hurt me i pay him back meaning i do nasty things (without him knowing) i will mention one small thing one time i killed flies with his wash cloth and put it back for him to use later, but i've done worse, and i'm tired of doing things like that as a form of retribution i didn't feel i deserved to be paying for in the first place. <P>don't think that just because i'm not employed is the problem because if i were there wold be something else for him to find, he did before i got to this point, he didn't like where i was working, he wanted me to work in the city, <P>at this point my LB for him in on e what's my next move plese help im not getting through to him and i'm at my wits end.<P>j (MRB)<P><p>[This message has been edited by MrsRaBull (edited May 01, 2000).]
