Help!! Ive just recently discoverd my wife has been having an emotional affair. She has been talking with this man every day on the phone for at least an hour over the last two months that I know of. We are living in seperate states right now due to job and school. She is coming home this weekend to me, but this man also lives in this area. Ive tried suggesting we find a differnt place to live, but to her thats not an option. I don't even know if she is planning on staying with me, or finding her own place to live. It seems that she has already given up on our marriage. We dont have any kids, but I LOVE her very much and I want us to work out! I dont know how to deal with this. I want to be able to tell her she can't see or talk to this guy anymore. Im afraid if she does it could turn physical. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!! I want to let her to move back home with me so I can show her that I can meet her emotional needs, but this guy has a big headstart on me.

Your situtation sounds similar to mine. My wife has likewise given up on our marriage. Difference is my W has consumated her affair - after my initial discovery of her emotional affair. One of the books I read, Wheat's "How to Save You Marriage Alone" had some valuable counsel - Prepare for the worst. If the affair is not yet physical, that is a good thing; however, look honestly and sincerely at what your response would be if you found it had become physical in nature.<P>In my case, I found it didn't really matter. My W is still, somewhere inside the malignant creature that she has become on the surface, the woman that I married. I still love her. I am much more envious of the perceived emotional bond that she shares with the other man than I am of the brief physical encounters that they have had. <P>My belief is that our marriage is sacred, it is permanent, and my desire and obligation is to give every effort I can to rebuild it. We must be prepared to respond in a loving way, even in the face of continued infidelity. I think that means a sound Plan A and continued unconditional love.<P>We have played a game with our oldest son to illustrate unconditional love. We ask him "Do I love you more when you are being really good or when you are being really bad?" "Do I love you more when you are being nice to your younger brother or being mean to him?" The answer is, of course, "It doesn't matter." Our love is unconditional. The same should be true of our love to our spouses.<P>Even if there is not an immediate happy ending to our crisis, I want to be able to look in the mirror every day for the rest of my life and know that I did everything I could to save our marriage. I know that in the end, I will not regret that decision.<P>I wish you good luck, the courage and strength to follow through on your convictions, and that God will bless your efforts. That is all that we can ask.<P>Texan

Is there anything that you can do about the physical seperation? It is tough to make things work when there is an emotional breakdown even when two people live in the same house! Is there nothing that you can do? Change jobs or different school or something? What did she say about the living arrangements at first? Right now she may think they are great because her needs are being met but were there concerns in the beginning?

I am in the same boat as you all, and everyday has been a challenge. I was married (8), divorced (2), and reunited with my ex-H for about 3 years now. We went steady for 8 years before we married, so I have been in love with my ex-H for over 20 years. The divorce was my idea as we just grew apart. It hurt my ex-H very deeply, but we knew that we loved each other very much still. <P>My ex-H met the OW in a workshop and became friends when they discovered they lived in the same building. They began jogging together and would share each other's personal stories. Well one thing lead to another, and the EA began. <P>Next thing I know my H says that he loves me, but that he would like to move out and think about things. I suggested we go to counseling, but he refused at first but went eventually. But, to my disappointment he told the counselor that he was not interested in working on the relationship, but was interested on working on himself first. He has not scheduled appointments to meet with the counselor.<P>I finally confronted him and asked if he was interested in or seeing someone else. He said he has dated someone a couple of times, but they were group activities and they were never alone! I was devastated, angry, and hurt!<P>He said he has told her that he still loves me, but it didn't seem to matter to OW. She dumped her boyfriend and is actively pursuing my ex-H. Although he left and came home the usual time, I knew that they were jogging together. They also invited each other to group activities, but spent more and more time together. He became distant and could feel him moving further away. I couldn't sleep or eat, and I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't live like that anymore.<P>I finally just asked him to move out! While I miss him terribly, I have at least some peace of mind because I'm not confronted with the EA on a daily basis. It has only been 2 days since he moved out, and it has been hell.<P>His mother has come to stay with me for awhile because of her concern for me. I am very close to his family and so they have been very supportive as are all of our friends.<P>I don't have any advice to give except to give him/her the space that they need to work out his/her feelings. I don't know what I would do if the EA turns physical. He has told me that he hasn't told the OW where he lives and also not giving her his phone number. It provides little comfort as he may change his mind and do so one day.<P>He says they are just dating and it has not gone beyond that. He has not called or anything. It's been hard, but I hope that he will miss me and decide to work on our relationship through counseling. Time will tell, in the mean time I have the love and support of friends who make sure I don't go crazy.

Well, for me it helps if you prepare to hear the worst out of him. Emotionally try to prepare yourself to hear that the EA has gotten physical. That way if/when it hits you you can think clearly and not have to deal with what is next along with the emotions that hurricane inside you when you find out an EA has turned physical. Does that make sense? It certainly helped me with my situation - I knew for weeks that my wife had slept with her ex. I tried to prepare myself - though not nearly enough. You have to remember that you will have emotions about it and he/she will have emotions about it. And don't think for one minute they will be the same. So deal with yours right now up front. It will be a bear just dealing with his/her reactions/actions/emotions about the whole mess. And if the news never hits - you wasted some tears but I would gladly give all the tears I have cried to not have had her grin at me when I told her I knew.