My husband and I have been married for 3 years. He is divorced (his wife was cheating)<BR>and I am widowed (he committed suicide). We have 5 children between us, 4 of which<BR>live at home. They are 19, 17, 10, 7 and 2. Three children were mine before we married,<BR>he has custody of his son, and then we have the 2 yr. old that is "ours". I stay home and<BR>care for the home and the kids, and he works full time at a very good job.<P>For the past 2 years our marriage has been going down hill. There have been many hurts<BR>on both sides. Neither of us have gone outside of our marriage, but there has always<BR>been a trust issue for us both. Things have become so bad that I have been considering<BR>leaving because I just can not take anymore! I DON'T want to leave I do love him and<BR>want things to work out for our sake and the sake of the kids but I can't continue living<BR>like this anymore. And neither can the homelife of the kids.<P>In my search for a "last ditch effort" of help, I did visit the MayoClinic online and could not have found a better or more perfect description of our problem! Here's what it<BR>discribed:<P>"There are wide differences in the level of sexual interest and desire between people.<BR>Desire also fluctuates for each person as his or her life circumstances change...If the<BR>disparity in sexual desire is quite large, it can have a negative impact on the relationship.<P>In these situations, the partner who has the lower level of desire often feels pressured to do something that he or she doesn't feel like doing. In the long run, this can lead to<BR>resentment, anger and a further decline in sexual desire. The partner with the higher level of desire often begins to feel unloved,deprived and desperate. Because of the increasing feeling of deprivation, the person with greater sexual desire might press for sexual activity more frequently and more vigorously. This creates a cycle in which one partner's desire increases while the other loses interest."<P>Ok, I am the one with the lack of sexual desire. And he is absolutely driving me crazy with his continual desperate need for sex. So much so that my sex drive has just about become non-exsistant. I have tried to explain to him that since the baby has been born, I am more tired and have much more "on my plate," and that I could be going thru. like pre-menopausal symptoms and that could be why my sex drive statred getting low. (Our 2 yr. old has never even to this day been a good night sleeper and I am STILL up with him a couple of nights a week, leaving me tired the next day.)<P>The article suggested the even though my sex drive is low that I should try to "accomodate some of his desires." I have tried so hard to do this and compromise hoping that it would relieve the tension and that it might help break the "cycle" that I am aware we have been in. But it never seems to be enough for him. The more I try the more he wants! I try to give him the sex he "wants" at least once a week (must be rather "kinky" and last what sometimes seems like forever when your tired!) and then try to fill the spaces with what he calls "quickies". But he seems unwilling to compromise. <P>I feel that it is normal for sex lives to sort of "settle down" after awhile and that of course things are "hotter" in the lustful beginning of relationships. I just want us to have a happy little home, love each other and raise our kids together as best we can. I don't feel that sex should be the "prime directive" of marriage but a mutual fulfillment.<P>When he feels "rejected, desperate or unloved," he goes into this sulking phase which turns me completely off because it makes me see him like one more of the kids whining at me. When I ask him what is wrong he always says "nothing, don't worry about it," At this point tension begins and things just go down hill from there. I always know when it is about to hit the proverbial fan and then late at night (anywhere from 10 to 2 am) he wants to "talk about it" because he can't sleep. I am sick to death of hearing the exact same thing from him over and over and over...never saying anything I haven't heard before and we end up with him yelling and screaming at me that he is not getting enough, and me fighting back and pulling away from him. It is a vicious terrible circle that happens about every 1 or 2 weeks. <P>And I just simply cannot take anymore...I feel like he is ripping my heart out and that no matter what I do I can never ever make him happy. I feel like I am losing my own identity and becoming weak and worn from the battle. I feel I have tried everything and don't know what else to do. <P>PLEASE, PLEASE... does anyone have any advice. I don't want to leave but I just simply cannot take all this stress in my life anymore!!!

Well I'm sorry that I don't have a lot too offer you, but I think what your trying to say came across beautifully. Is there any way you could print it off and give it to your husband? Many times people can explain how they are feeling better in a letter and he can't interrupt you.<P>If you really are accomodating as much as you say you are it seems to me like he should be able to meet you half way. Is it possible that he wants to make love so often because he's feeling insecure? Maybe he feels like you love him when you do it when ever he wants? If it is indeed just him having a high sex drive I do have a suggestion. What about buying him some after bath oil's from a bath shop (they work great because they are not greasy and leave marks all over the bed). Cuddle up close to him why he "takes care of himself", take 5 minutes to start him out with a good "story/fantasy" that will really get his mind going and let him finish himself. He's still having the closeness of you, he's still relieving himself and you don't have to do much when your dead tired. But more importantly, communication and understanding is what makes a good marriage. I don't think any spouse should ever feel that they can't talk to their husband or wife honestly and openly. Each spouse deserves the consideration of the other listening and trying to understand.

CDJ,<BR>You have come to the right place, get support from us at MB and don't give up yet! Since you're not exactly dealing with infidelity right now, I'm not sure this place (General Questions) will get you the most responces. I can totally understand your delimna, I think my husband and I are at the same place as you and yours, and it is VERY frustrating I know. I don't know about you, but I do admit that my sex drive could improve if my husband was more attentive to me. I don't think it will ever be as great as his sex drive, but from what I understand that is fairly normal. Do you feel like your sexual incompatibilities are a result of a marriage that could be better, or that your marriage could be better if you could work through the sexual problems? I just wonder when men will EVER GET that if they just respect us and pay attention to us during the day, then at night we would actually WANT and ENJOY having sex!! Hell, we might even initiate it!!! I think that if you love your husband, and want the marriage to work, (you must, or you wouldn't be here) then there must be a way to comprimise so that you both are getting your needs fulfilled. What I have tried with my husband (which works when he can remember or makes an effort), is ...when he thinks he will want to have sex that night, be EXTRA nice to me during the day. Help with the kids, pick up after yourself, ask me how my day is, etc. Then at night, when he wants sex, I will feel more like it, like he has made an effort during the day, and I can justify making an effort at night. It is sort of a game, but I just KNOW what I need in order to feel in the mood with him at night. Your daily needs from your husband may be different, but you just have to be clear about it. I have been married 8 years, and stay at home with small children. Sometimes I think my problem is that all day I get and give all the physical affection and attention i can stand, that when my husband gets home, I just want to be left alone, and have no one touching me. I feel bad for my husband, but that's just how I feel. I have not been to a sex or marriage therapist, and I'm not sure a sex therapist would be the answer. My husband thinks the problem is simply that he doesn't get enough sex, but I think the problem is that I don't LIKE HIM enough to want to have sex with him a lot. I love my husband too, but I believe that if he tried harder during the day to be what I need, I would have it in me to try harder at night to give him what HE needs. Is this how you feel too? I guess I don't have many answers for you, but I wanted you to know that you are definately NOT ALONE, and that surely this can be gotten past. Keep me posted!!

Oh thank heavens I am not the only one out here that feels this way!! At least now I can feel as though my sanity is still in tact...for the most part anyway! <P>Well, the self satisfaction on his part would be a great idea but I tried that and he refuses to go along with the idea that I don't NEED to orgasim as much as he does. He says that it "unfair" to me...hey I'm not the one complaining about the lack of sex. I have tried to tell him that if when we do have sex and I do have an orgasim that I am quite satisfied for a while and just don't feel the need. I wish he WOULD feel free to masterbate...it would take some of the pressure off of me...but he says it's just not the same.<P>He is a good husband and does pay all the attention to me...has no problem helping out around the house if I ask. My problem is like Kancan said so perfectly.... "that all day I get and give all the physical affection and attention i can stand, that when my husband gets home, I just want to be left alone, and have no one touching me." Once I get the kids into bed I just want to plop down and be left the hell alone. Yes, it is unfair...I do try to compromise such as suggesting, "Hey wanna watch a movie or play Scrabble" but WHY does even that always seem to have to lead to sex??<P>Yes, I am beginning to think that he has an over-sexed problem. There are some things that surely just can't be spoken about in an open forum...such as what he does or what happens to make me feel that way. I do think that part of the problem is that he must still be dealing with some of those divorce issues of his ex-wife cheating. And we have both agreed that his self-esteem and male -ego are like demolished.<P>I just want to have a life...if I love working in the garden and this even bothers him cause it's time taken away from time with him. He says I spend too much time in the garden (try explain all the weeding that must go on in there!) He says he is bored...but the problem is he had made me the very center of his life. I have tried to explain to him that I do not want to BE his life but just a part of his life. I want us to SHARE our lives with each other not be so all consumed with each other that even the kids don't get any attention...<P>Can you see where my frustration lies... and why I just feel so hopeless?<P>

know this is pretty long...but I am posting it here so that maybe you guys can see<BR>what is really happening....maybe you will see something that EITHER one of us are over<BR>looking. <P>H. has been out of town for the last 2 nights and we have emailed each other....here is this mornings email. Like I said I am posting this because it is so open about what is going on with us and I am hoping that you will be able to unbiaslly add some opinions to help us...we BOTH want things to get better!!! He read all the posts here and this an email concerning it:<P>ME:I am reluctant to answer this because I am sure that when you wrote it you had been drinking... but <P> H:First off, I understand what your saying about it being that all I want is sex. I<BR> understand how you can feel that way. But, it's not the case. I want you, not just sex.<BR> Yes, sex is a big part of it but not the biggest part. Not by any means.<P> E: We have already talked about this and you are telling me here just the opposite of what you have verbally told me. You have already stated more than once that MORE sex is what you want. <P><BR>H: When we go do something together, I don't think that it's all sex. I do't think that just because we go out and have a good time that we have to have sex. Not at all. No<BR>matter how much I tell you that, I can't make you understand what I'm feeling inside.<P>ME: Then why is it that everytime we come home from having a night out and a good<BR>time you seem to want sex when we get home?! Everytime we do ANYTHING togetherit always leads to sex. This is why I don't want to go<BR>out with you and do stuff because I feel like when we get home we are expected tohave sex!! <P>H: I have fun just having fun. Just like the last time we went out. We went bowling, we<BR>were flirting, and we didn't have sex. Yes there were complications that you can say<BR>caused us not to have sex,<P>ME: ...I don't know what complications you are talking about....but had whatever it was<BR>not been there....yeah it would have had to lead to sex <P>H: As for the kids, yes, I too want to do stuff with them. But in my mind and my heart,<BR>yu and we come first. We need to show our kids that the marriage is the most important<BR>thing. One day they'll grow up and I want us to have something in common.<P>ME: I guess that we differ here a bit too. I feel like if we had a normal relationship raisingthe kids would be more important, because like you said one day they will be gone! No our kids do not want to think that we are more important to each other than they are.<BR>We are not talking about "normal" kids here Mike! We are talking about a little boy, Michael who needs the EXTRA attention because his mother has abandoned him...and as much as you might not like it he probably feels a bit adandoned at home too. Your new wife is more important to you than he is. We are talking about Robin and Danny who had mom all to there selves most of there lives and all of a sudden, they are made to feel second place. Neither of us have time to listen to them and their concerns in life because we spend so much time on our own problem, and all they hear is bickering and fighting. It is a terrible thing to say but Mike when you are not home everyone is less stressed...especially the kids. They are<BR>not all waiting for the next time you are gonna jump in the middle of their **** just<BR>because you are unhappy with us. We have the rest of our lives together and yes we do<BR>need to get us back on track but NOT at the sacrafice of the kids. This is what is wrong<BR>with so many kids today....parents are so wrapped up in themselves and their own little<BR>world that the kids are not just leftout but ignored! <P>H: As to finsihing the house, I too want to finish the house. And though it may sound<BR>cold, yes, I have been pretty much reoccupied with trying to get us on track. I spend so<BR>much time wondering how and what I can do to make you realize how special you are to<BR>me, and then bumming on how distant you have become that I really don't care if<BR>anything else gets done. Not the house, not my job, not anything.<P>ME: And this is exactly WHY we are having so much trouble! You spend all your time<BR>"bummed out." Believe me, I know how "special" I am to you; that is not the problem. Sometimes I wish I was just a little less special to you.The problem is that you are convienced that you are not special to me. I try so hard toshow you that you are special to me...but the only thing that makes you feel special or important is sex!! You have told me time and again that the little things I do, such as bring you coffee while you are in shower are notwhat makes you feel important. And when I try to show how special you are and that you are important and I love you by doing the little things for you I feel completely defeated. <P>H: I'm not saying you are my life, but you are the most important thing in it. And, no<BR>matter how much I want you to see that, I don't feel that I can.<P>ME: To me this is a contridiction from you said in the last paragraph. <P>H: I don't mean to be rambling so long. It's just your last posting really hit a nerve. I so appreciate all that you do, and all that you are, and yes, I feel as though I am in such a bind with you. Everything that someone has said to you on the message board has been met with such opposition. And, they have all seemed fairly logical to me. They seem to be saying a lot of the things that I am feeling. Also, the other pages on this sight seem to touch on our situation.<P>ME: I don't feel that I have been in opposition to anything said. It's just that everything that has been said is something I have tried and didn't work. I have even tried to tell you that my hormones are low due to premenopause and you won't believe me. I am taking Effexor so that I don't fall into depression, and you want me to stop taking that saying that it causing my lack of sex drive. We have been to marriage counciling and that didn't help. And I have tried spending time with you...but it always has to lead to wild passionate sex. I don't understand why you can not see my side of things! You go to work and though I know your job can be stressful at time and yes I know you too carry alot of responsility...you don't chase a 2 yr. old around all day, listen to him scream at nap time, do MEGA laundry, mop floors, vacumn, scrub toilets and showers,make beds, cook meals, make the kids do homework, settle sibling fights everyday at 4, change diapers, have coffee with your mom, answer the bill collectors, and on and on.... by the time you get home hell yes I want a break! CALGON TAKE ME AWAY! <P> H: Please don't take this as me pointing a finger. I'm not. I don't care about blaming you or blaming me. That doesn't matter. It's a situation that we need to fix us.<P> ME: The lets stop talking about this problem constantly and do something that will help FIX IT! We have talked about the "problem" until I am blue in the face and I can repeat your every argument word for word! It is NOT going to go away talking about it unless we actually start concentrating on a SOLUTION and not dewelling on the problem! <P> H: I said that I am truely sorry for the things that I've done to put us where we are. And I meant that. I try to show you that you are special. I bring you flowers not because I want sex from you. But, because I love you and appreciate you. I send you stuff, give you things and try to spend time and pay attention to you because I love you, not because I want sex. I try to help out around the house, help with the kids because I love you, not because I want sex. It doesn't mean I don't want sex. It means that I do those things for you because I love you.<P> ME: None of the things you have listed here are any of things things that I have said lead to sex. And I do appreciate the love and consideration you show. What I can not understand is that I too try to show you I love you by doing all these things for you and you will not accept them as tokens of my love for you. I've sent you flowers at work to tell you I love you, bring you coffee in the morning while you're in the shower even though I am busy trying to get the kids ready for school because I love you, keep the house clean and try to stay up on stuff around here (not as good as I once did) to show you I care about you, but you continue to tell me that those are not the things that make you feel important... then I am left feeling defeated and my affections are not good enough for you. That I can never make you happy no matter what I do! <P>H: I keep telling you I don't know what you want from me and I mean that. I don't understand what it will take to make you realize where I'm coming from. There is so much of what the people on that message board are telling you that I feel I've been trying to say for so very long.. I hope you will read it. I hope that maybe it will help you to understand me. Maybe then, it will help you to understand what it is that you want.<P>ME: You keep saying that I don't understand you. And so you spend all of your time tellng me over and over. I do understand what it is you want... you want us to be close again. I do too! And I do know what I want! I am just not sure that we want the same thing. And I think you spend so much time telling me what you want and pushing the sex issue that we may never solve our problem. And I can't keep living with the pressure that you are creating to an already hectic day! And the kids can't keep walking around on eggshells when you are home wondering when you are gonna jump them next. <P>H: I know that I want: 1. you 2. to raise our kids together 3. would be everything else in life. <BR>I hope this message doesn't piss you off. I hope and pray that you'll use it to better understand where we are and that we can get past this terrible spot we're in.<P> ME: Ditto! <BR>----------------------<P>That's it... does anyone have any suggestion or insight here?