I need advice...H has been having EA/PA for past year. D-day was in Jan. I began Plan A in Mar., we're semi-separated, he works 4 hrs away (near OW) and comes to see us on weekends. Last weekend, he said he needed more "space," and since then I discovered he's been spending nights w/OW.<BR>Is very addicted to her, but can't commit to either her or me.<P> He's planning to come visit me and kids this weekend (it's my birthday). His dad (who's definitely on my side) urges me to tell H we have other plans and not welcome him. Make him sweat. <P> I've discovered that when I'm a little more inaccessible, he's more available -- he misses the kids desperately-- but I don't want to blow my Plan A strategy. <P> Is this the time to show some "tough love"? Give him more "space"?<P> Or should I take advantage of the time we have together to plant the positive seeds?<P>

Camryn, I found this site after we on were on the "road to recovery". The book I followed was, Divorce Busting, By Michel Weiner. According to it, I showed my husband that I had a life that I wanted to include him in. The kids wanted him to be a part of our lives, but he could not have us and the OW. He had to choose. I hired a lawyer and found out all that I needed to know, then went home and shared that with him. I sat down and told him, I loved him, would probably always love him, yet what he was doing was wrong and I could/would not be second to another. I also told him that as much as I loved him, I was strong enough to make it without him. That if walked out the door and chose her, that he would never see me again. I also told him that be sure he no longer wanted contact with his children, because I was moving to TX (we lived in Ky at the time) and he would supposedly move to CO with her or NC (she lived here). Reminded him that love is a choice and marriages do not happen, they are created by the partners involved. What problems we had would probably develop with her, because he had not truly addressed them. This is where we started. Hope it helps. This was 7 years ago this month. See ya Tgirl.

Hi Camryn -<P>It's so hard to know exactly what will have the best impact with these wayward spouses of ours, isn't it?<P>I think that you have to look at where you think you are with your plan A. Are you stronger now? Can YOU handle being tougher on him? Would it ruin any headway that you may have made with his seeing changes to the good in you?<P>What do YOUR instincts tell you? Never mind anyone else's thoughts or even H's reactions.....what do you feel about it?<P>When he comes on the weekends, where does he stay? Is it usually at home with you and the kids? Is there some routine that is followed when he is there?<P>I ask because maybe the "shake up" could be worked within the Plan A technique..<BR>If he usually stays there....perhaps telling him to stay at his folks or something from no on would be better for everyone. Things like this....is that possible?<P>I am glad to hear Texasgirl's story....some people are successful doing what she did. The only thing with that solution is that you have to be strong enough to see it through should he not make the choice you want.<P>That would be something to prepare for (with your own emotions as well as finding out the legalities, etc.) and implement at a later date if you get to a point of ultimatum.<P>Hope I have helped some....<P>BIG HUGS and I will keep you in my prayers,<P>Sheba

Thanks for your responses...it helps a lot. Texasgirl, I believe I might have to resort to the ultimatum at some point. I'm just not sure THIS is the time. Am not sure I'm strong enough yet.<P>Sheba, your questions are so perceptive. Of course, I WANT to see my H, to have him here with us. I miss him desperately, and it breaks my heart to see the kids deprived of him. They're SO close. <P>But I will do whatever it takes to shock him back to reality.<P>He's stayed with us in the past -- but this time (for me) will be different because I know he's been staying at HER place for the past week. Before this, I wasn't certain. Now, I'm not sure I feel comfortable having him stay here. It would be really awkward to explain to the kids that daddy's going to a motel, tho, so I'll probably ask him to sleep on another bed.<P>Unless, of course, I decide to tell him to stay away. It's so difficult making any kind of decisions these days...I'm in so much pain. <P>Thanks so much for the prayers...AND the HUGS (boy, do I need those!). In church tonight, I couldn't keep myself from crying--very embarrassing. But this, too, shall pass -- for ALL of us. I'll be better tomorrow.

I AM better today...and I AM going to let him come. H called this AM from work and said things with OW are "being resolved." He also said that I'm doing all the right things...he's starting to believe that I really do love him! Go figger...I guess the fact that I still give him the time of day while he's living with his lover might be a clue...<P> Also added that he knows the right thing to do (I couldn't help responding, "Well, you always did!") 'Course I've heard lots of words and seen little action at this point. But it's enough to keep me Plan A-ing.<P> Thanks, everyone, for your prayers -- and I'd appreciate any suggestions to maximize my time with WS this weekend...