My H had an EA 6 months ago. He did alot of lying and after ending it he continued to lie and keep contact for 2 weeks till I discovered a goodbye letter from the OW. He said he was trying to end it etc. We both sent letters to OW telling her it was over. He lied about details after the fact etc. We went to counseling he is totally committed, trying, we went on vacation & things seem great when I can keep my hate and resentment under control. I have really tried to I know things were bad with us before and I accept my fault in it. <BR>I still dont trust so I snoop whenever I can just so I can be reassured nothing is going on. He gives me all phone bills and is totally open to give me whatever I want. I searched his desk and found no affair eviedence but, I found a horrific porno magazine. Understand where he works they find these things in the trash all the time and are easily accesible. I am disgusted and I consider this cheating. He claimed it was from a long time ago. But I know I searched that desk thoroughly and did not find it before so he must of looked at it since the affair was ended and every thing has been good. He wont admit it but I think he must be looking at them all the time and probably has been all 12 years of our marriage. He says he is sorry and admits its wrong and will never do it again.<BR>After all we have been through how could he be doing this. I want to divorce him I am so upset but I know I cant. I want him to go and he wont, I cant leave we have small children, I am not speaking to him and treating him like the dirt I think he has acted like. I dont know what to do. He figures once again he will be forgiven and we will just move on but I dont know if I can do it. I feel like he has been let off so easy for his mistakes. He cheats and is rewarded with a wonderful wife and marriage. Sex was a problem before but now we have a incredible sex life. Do you think he is a sex addict. I think he needs professional help. Keep in mind we are the clean cut, christian, all american family this is so abnormal. <BR>Any comments or suggestion will be greatly appreciated but only positive ones please.<P>[This message has been edited by Jillian (edited May 03, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Jillian (edited May 03, 2000).]

I am sorry to hear of the EA. It sounds as though it was a very stressful thing for you.<P>I don't know what to say about the magazine. I guess I wish my H had just stuck to magazines! But the fact of the matter is that if you think it is cheating, then it is an issue for you two to work on.<P>One thing I would suggest, though, is to read the sections on this site about "Love Busters". I think that treating your H badly may be sabotaging your efforts to get right with your marriage. Remember the basic idea of Plan A is to create an attractive alternative for your H to come home to.<P>Good luck. --HBC

If porno mags are the worst of your troubles, I'd be getting over that! We all have different standards, and I am not saying that you are wrong, but aren't there more important issues that could use your energy?

Jillian,<P>I know this is a tought road for you both. If the magazine upsets you so much then it is an issue (no pun intended) for you 2 to work on. However, treating him "like the dirt I think he has acted like" is definately not the way to go if you want to preserve your marriage. You say you have a great sex life. Does he feel the same way? If he's looking to magazines for "supplement", then he may still feel his needs are not being met. You referred to his affair as an emotional one. Are you sure they didn't have sex? If they didn't, then he was obviously drawn to her for other reasons and all the great sex from you may not have addressed his original reasons for the affair.<P>I would suggest that you both seek counseling, individual and joint. Since he is providing you with whatever you ask for regarding phone bills, etc., it sounds like he's willing to work on it. <P>One last thing, you ARE entitled to your anger (as well as all of your other emotions). Don't suppress it, but don't vent it on your husband. Post it here or write it in a journal (I do both) or anything else that works for you.<P>I'll say a prayer for you both.

I know very well that porn can be extremely hurtful. I've been in recovery from a porn addiction for 15 months now. In that time frame I've slipped briefly(a day or two) on 5 occasions. My wife almost filed for divorce the last time. She believes that the admiration thing for other naked women is worse for her than a real affair. I think that this is a reaction to the acculated hurts from porn over the first 25 years of our marriage. I'm surely NOT saying that porn is OK, but since I've never had a real affair(did have sex with the wife of her first affair's OM as a revenge/make ourselves feel better thing 3 times in a two month period in 1980 after my wife and my best friend confronted his wife and I and told us they wanted divorces so that they could get married, note they did get divorced wife and I got back together) but since she's had two very long lasting(over 3 years in both cases: 1979-1982 & 1996-1999) EA & PA's plus a one night stand in 1984 and a phone sex relationship with a work client in 1994, I think that she just doesn't really understand how painful the real thing is. While I'll never act on it, the thought of having my own real affair just to show her how it really feels has crossed my mind once or twice.<P>My heart does go out to your pain and I wish you the best of luck with your husband. Porn addictions are very hard to break, but if HE really wants to quit it is possible.

Jillian. I did not read any one else's post because I was in such a hurry to respond to yours.<BR> Our situation is so similiar. 10 months has gone by since H EA and for the last 4 months things have been wonderful!!! Really! Then yesterday I found tons of porn all over my computer, secret email acct... ect. I am so torn apart it feels EXACTLEY like when I found out of OW. In my mind same thing. whether it was between the sheets or in his mind. The lies are what get me, I just was to leave so badly I want to be done. I have 2 small children though who adore their father. What do I do? He has not even talked to me about it yet. Just knows that I know now. Feel free to email me if you want to talk.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by *SecretuvmyStrength*:<BR><B>Jillian. I did not read any one else's post because I was in such a hurry to respond to yours.<BR> Our situation is so similiar. 10 months has gone by since H EA and for the last 4 months things have been wonderful!!! Really! Then yesterday I found tons of porn all over my computer, secret email acct... ect. I am so torn apart it feels EXACTLEY like when I found out of OW. In my mind same thing. whether it was between the sheets or in his mind. The lies are what get me, I just was to leave so badly I want to be done. I have 2 small children though who adore their father. What do I do? He has not even talked to me about it yet. Just knows that I know now. Feel free to email me if you want to talk.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thank You for understanding. Since I first posted this message I read through a ton of other posts on similar subjects. I was so depressed after hearing such horrific tales of other peoples lives. I realized how my little incident can seem like nothing to someone else when they are dealing with so much more. But people forget that even if it pales in comparrison to their situtation that for me it hurts and is just as painful to deal with. I have stopped being so mean to my H. I have talked to him about my concerns and that I think he could possibly have a problem. He emphatically denies such a thing. He claims he has only looked at them once or twice a year and that it is wrong and he will never do it again. But I just dont know He has lied so much and I have been so naive. We are moving on and trying to continue to work things out. I am also going to work with him this summer at our business. So I will know more of what is going on around there. I hope it will help us & not hurt us (being together so much) I would like to e-mail you directly so we can talk more since our situations are similar. I will say a prayer for you as you deal with your situation. Please post another message here for me to contact you.<BR>Love in Chirst<BR>Jillian <P>