I was writing in my journal this evening and I began writing "I am sorry's" to my husband.<P>Things like I am sorry for not meeting your needs, not taking the time for you, etc. <P>The thing is that I am the betrayed. So my question is, is this normal? I wasn't blaming myself, I was admitting to the problems that I caused in the marriage. I have been able to see that it does take 2! And by no means am I not holding him responsible for the problems he caused.Just wanted to know if anyone else had a similiar experience. Is this a step toward forgiveness?<BR>

Hi TXS,<P>I don't know whether it's a step towards forgiveness, but it sure is a step towards rebuilding your marriage into something better. To get the issues around an affair resolved, both spouses need to realize their part in bringing the marriage to the state where the affair became possible. The betrayed, it not without guilt, as most betrayed spouses discover. <P>I know from personal experience how hard it can be to have a kid with problems, we have a 3 year old boy with a yet undiagnosed handicap (cerebral palsy is most likely part of it), he doesn't walk on his own yet and he is just beginning to talk, and his mental abilities are not comparative to his age level.<BR>Many marriages with handicapped kids do not survive long, which is what we heard from the kids health nurse, doctors and our counsellor (and others), and ours nearly didn't either. We had to go through almost 3 years of frustrations, anger, resentment and depressions, before my wife started to give up on the marriage, talked about divorce and went on with an affair. That was my <I>wake up call</I>, and I started looking into my own behavior and the dynamics of the marriage, seeing where I was at fault, and where I let my wife down on many occasions. I started to look on the net for information that could help me, and fortunately I found this place, which really was the saver of our marriage.<BR>We now have a marriage that is so much better, than it has ever been, though there is still room for improvement, but we are closer to each other, and we have more open communication and are able to solve problems quicker than before.<P>I hope that the two of you can work your way out of this, and you seem to have taken an important step forward, now is the time to tell your H the things that you wrote in your journal. Show him that you really are sorry for the things you've done in the past, and hopefully soon he will follow your example.<BR>If you haven't taken the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4110_emndsq.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs Questionnaire</A>, it might also be something to consider, and introduce the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>POJA</A> to your H.<P>Hope and prayers for you and your family.

SadMan,<P>Thank you for the words of encouragement. I have also heard that having a child with a disability is a great strain on a marriage and many end in divorce. <P>Initially, my H & I decided to work things out b/c of our son, but now since we have been plan A'ing it has turned into more. I don't think it matters the reason that you try to work things out, it matters that you do.<P>We have both had a lot of heartache with our son and have been thru so many doctors and testes, etc. It gets to the point where you don't even care what it is that is wrong, you just want someone to give you a diagnosis so you can move on in a positive direction. Our son was just diagnosed in December after having various speech treatments, etc. He is now in a preschool special ed program and is doing marvelous. He is really starting to communicate. I know we have a long road ahead of us, but atleast we are making progress.<P>I have a good friend who has a son with cerebal palsy so if there is any information that I can forward to your family let me know. I had so many people there for me with my son, it helps to know you are not alone. <P>I know since finding out about my husbands affairs it has added extra stress to an already difficult situation. But we also have had problems for a long time. We were in counseling before we got married, but then we started planning our family and moving around alot for his job (my H is in the hotel business) and it seems everything we learned wasn't being used, and here we are 6 1/2 yrs, 2 children, and 5 moves later. But I am determined to do everything I can for my marriage, my children, but mostly myself to figure this out, because this too hard a lesson to learn. And I really don't want this repeated, whether we can work this out or not.<P>I know that you are right about sharing my letter with him and I will. It just makes me feel vulnerable, but I guess that is part of it.<P>Sorry this is so long, I just wanted to let you know that I understand your situation. <P>I pray that you will get the peace in your marriage and the peace for your son that you are looking for. I think once you get "the official diagnosis" you will feel closure and be able to move on in a positive direction. There are so many support groups out there. If you haven't tried the internet for your son, yet, there is so much info. Good Luck

TXS,<P>I believe that you and your H is on the right track, it is sometimes a bumpy road and sometimes you fall into one of the potholes, and can't even see the road anymore. It gets better, and if you're both comitted to this you will see that problems that previously took ``forever´´ to resolve (if at all) are solved much quicker, in our case usually the same day or the day after. <P>Don't get me started on the kid issues or I might talk your ears off <P>Seriously, I've shared this thread with my wife yesterday and she would also be interested in sharing information with you if you're willing.<BR>Our son was suspected of having some degree of autism, first by my wife and later on in a diagnosis program (a 3 month hospital kindergarden evaluation program, designed to let the doctors, psychologists, speech-therapists and psysiotherapists evaluate his abilities and shortcomings etc.), they saw the traits of autism in the beginning, however, he "woke" up and started exploring and interacting with the world a lot while in the program, so in the end there was nothing conclusive...<BR>If you want to talk about this we would be very willing to do so, you can reach us by email at the following address: kcm@dtu.dk<BR>

TXSupermommy,<BR> Yes, that's the way!!! Once you find out what YOU did. It's not as painful because you don't think. WHY DID HE DO THIS TO ME!! It's more like WHY DID WE ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN TO US!! GREAT JOB!!<BR> GOOD LUCK AND PRAYERS FRANK<P>------------------<BR>desperate<BR>"If yesterday didn't stop today, Why should TODAY stop tomorrow??" <BR>"Wisdom is why!!"<P>

Yes, it is a step toward forgiveness, but it won't necessarily make your H change his course of direction (I'm not sure where you and he are right now). <P>I did the same thing, wrote him a letter asking for his forgiveness. As I was writing it, I felt so much pain for what he must have been feeling for what I didn't even realize what I had been doing to him. For my H, while not actually saying "I forgive you," implied that it wasn't all my fault...that we were both at fault. However, it didn't change the way he felt about the marriage, how he felt about the OW or his plans to just "move on." <P>You would think it might have affected him somewhat or given him a small hope for something, but for him the request for forgiveness was "just too late" in his words. He says he has already moved past that and can't turn around now. He's done it. He's out of the house, we don't have contact, he's let go of everything except the OW. <P><BR>It's very frustrating to know (in hindsight) what you could do differently and not have the opportunity. It stinks, actually.<P>So what the letter did for me was clear the air on my "sins" so to speak. I know God has forgiven me; I don't know if my H has completely or ever really will; and I don't know if I can ever forgive myself. I feel like a complete failure...an empty shell of a woman who just doesn't get it. I'm trying to learn from this, but it's a daily struggle for me....some days okay....most days really tuff.<P>Anyway, the letter is a good step. It's more for your healing than anything elses....another tool to help in this process.<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs. O<P>