OK, wife has had 3 year affair and wants to leave for OM. Two teenage sons here, 15 and 18, oldest out of school.<P>One strange twist here... my first wife from 20 years ago is consoling me via email... and that REALLY bothers my W. My first wife and I were married all of 1 year when very young... almost like we weren't really... <P>Anyway... talking to first W is helping me but it might be the ultimate love buster.<P>I want my marriage but feel i need support right now too... I'd give up conversing with first wife in a heartbeat but of course current W says "well I'll get used to it" and "I have no rights" as she's still in her affair and wants to leave me. <P>I just find it interesting that she's so jealous of this... I know the betrayers are unfair and selfish... there are times I think this really makes her think, others I'm scared it's just driving her further away...<P>What do you all think?<BR>

TexasMan:<P>One of the MAJOR rules to avoid affairs is:<P>NEVER (an in never, ever) discuss marital problems with a member of the opposite sex.<P>I'd add the addendum "especially ones you use to be married too".<P>You've got to start exhibiting the new marriagebuilder behaviors. Give this communication up, let your wife know that you're doing it because its the right thing to do, and because it upsets her.<P>This will demonstrate that you care for how she feels even though she's hurt you. Love Bank deposits!!!<p>[This message has been edited by K (edited August 23, 1999).]

K...<P>I love how people don't pull punches on here.<P>Thanks<BR>

Texasman,<P>Hi. I was the beytrayer (pls see profile) and I wanted to say you hit the nail on the head...<P>I too was selfish and unfair. It is something that I am very ashamed of. But the sad thing is it is true often in these situations.<P>She doesn't have a right to tell you where to get your support, given the fact that she is not offering it. However, you are also right that despite that fact, it is a lovebuster to her.<P>I have talked to many here who have displayed nothing short of true heroics when it comes to displaying unconditional love to their betraying spouses. These people (men and women) have endured the hardest pain imaginable I suspect, and gave and gave, leaving themselves and their own needs on the sidelines. <P>My H did this for me. He made me realize what it was I'd be loosing if I lost him. THE MOST AMAZING MAN ON EARTH!! You see, he loved me when I was my least lovable. When I hurt him the most, he cared for me. When I was the most conserned about myself, he cared nothing for himself but gave everything to me. WOW. It blows my mind when I stop to think about it... I WOULD BE CRAZY TO LOOSE THIS MAN !!! Isn't this exactly what I was dreaming of?? YES !!!!<P>I think you see my point. Surely I desevred Nothing. OR worse than nothing...but instead he became my Hero, literally. Saved me from the biggest mistake of my life, and this has endeared him to me. Who is it that would have lved me that much...no one but HIM !! It brought him closer to me than we ever experienced before I think.<P>Sure it has hurt like crazy, but it's true that the end result can make it all worth it...I'm seeing that now.<P>Hang in there Texasman. Give it all you have got ...no matter how bad it hurts now you will without a doubt be the better, stronger man. The REAL MAN...good luck to you!<P>-janet

WOW, RJR thank you... that give me hope... and I need it so much... I guess I'll just find support here more than anywhere else...<P>and life is strange my "EX" mentioned at the start of this post is also a Janet... that kind of got me!!!

Tex, W #2 still wants to hold on to you. No woman likes competition. She still sees you as hers. Cool it with W#1 if you want to work on your marriage. Find a counsellor to discuss with. This will come back to haunt the recovery phase. W#2 statements are tests to see your reaction. Focus on W#2.

fighter...<P>I know it's the right thing to do and I guess I just need to have you guys pound it in to me. <P>I admit I'm guilty of loving the attention and support of W#1... but I do know where my priorities are.<P>Thanks

TEX,<P>Yep, there is hope out there to be had, sometimes it just gets a little dark so it's hard to see.<P>This is a great place to get support, use it and lean on it. I've found it to be safe. I post less but read quite often and really there where many days not too long ago where I really needed people's advice and there where many here to help..<P>Keep posting.... You doing what would make you're W happier is for the best. Don't give her any reason at all to justify what she is doing. I looked hard for reasons at one point, and came up with none.. because he gave me none AND I AM HAPPY about that !!!!<P>Good luck!<P>-janet

Janet-what you said:<P>>My H did this for me. He made me realize >what it was I'd be loosing if I <BR>>lost him. THE MOST AMAZING MAN ON EARTH!! >You see, he loved me when I <BR>>>was my least lovable. When I hurt him the >most, he cared for me. When I <BR>>was the most conserned about myself, he >cared nothing for himself but <BR>>gave everything to me. WOW. It blows my mind >when I stop to think about <BR>>it... I WOULD BE CRAZY TO LOOSE THIS MAN !!! >Isn't this exactly what I <BR>>was dreaming of?? YES !!!!<P>is beautiful. I'm going to print it and read it everyday. I think you should give it to your h. I want to be all these things to my h. but I find it hard because I feel so rejected. Thanks for these inspirational words. The best to you and your h.

I feel alot like Janet does, that my husband has got to be the most amazing man, he has been here for me and has loved me unconditionally. I have hurt him so much, and his pain and sadness runs so deep, yet here he is telling me he wants me and needs me and doesnt want to lose me.At one point I was really to throw in the towel, I had hurt him too much and i didnt think I could stand to see his hurt no more, that the thing for me to do, for him, would be to leave him, I thought that would be best, for HIM. But he begged me to stay. I couldnt believe it and I felt so low, like , do I deserve a great man like this?? He asked me once, do you think less of me because I have not left you like some men would have after finding this out? And I thought about it for just one second and answered him honestly, that I think MORE of him because hes still here, and LESS of me, for I dont think I deserve this. I would like to spend the rest of my life making him see that he made the right choice by staying, by making him so happy, and working on our marriage everyday.<BR>I can't believe that i risked losing this man.So many mistakes made, so much learned.

Bubblemaker,<P>I'm glad what I wrote meant something to you, because it really is so true. And I will take your advice and tell my husband that in those words.. it certainly can't hurt to tell him it again, and often! <P>Selfishness is a terrible thing. For me it has been a huge obstacle. I know that must sound so strange because if you see someone being selfish you might think well, if they know they are being selfish why don't they just stop??? ..sometimes I wonder if selfishness itself is an addiction...I feel as if my need, to have my 'needs' met is so overpowering I find myself running after that first. Like a dog who hasn't eaten in a week...I have to consciously review my thought processes to try to 're-wire' myself almost hourly. Pretty sad. I am hoping for real change.<P>Sorry to ramble...good luck to you Bubble....<P>Patty co,<P>Yeah, I am with you too. It is hard to even get your mind around that kind of love. It hurts so bad that I hurt him so bad. I imagine you feel the same. I just don't quite know how to forgive myself, yet he said in those first few weeks that if I can't forgive myself then he doesn't want to go on.<P>Anyway, I wanted to say I know how you feel, for sure..take care.<P>-janet<BR><p>[This message has been edited by rjr #2 (edited August 23, 1999).]

Janet :<BR>That bothers me too, forgiving myself. i dont know if i can or will ever be able to. I know that I need to, but like i told H, I cannot forgive myself until I am forgiven by him. Even then, will I be able to? I think it will take alot of time and work.<BR>And another thing, i do not want to be remebered for this. When my H and I celebrate our 50th years and years from now, i do not want his thoughts on our first 50 years to be soley on this. I want to be remebered for the good things I did in my life too. I don't want my life to be defined by having an affair.I did alot of good in my past too, I want him to remeber this, and it worries me, cause I hurt him so bad, will he only remember the bad, and the good was erased because of what I did?<BR>I told H last night that if i could take a pill that could erase all memory of the x-OM, I would, I would take it today, heck, I wouldve taken it long ago!( I am sure he would like a few pills himself!)<BR>When you learn how to forgive yourself, please help me... I think its going to be tough. take care<BR>Patty