I am so down and sad today, and I can't seem to get myself out of this funk! Update: found H emails to another woman who he claims is just a friend and he told her the next time she was going to out of town he might go for the ride and he didn't call me for my birthday (we had an arguement the day before). We argued, he claimed he had no intention of going out of town with this girl it was just conversation, yeah right! Conversation is how's the weather, hows work, etc. But anyhow, he did apologize and said that he understood how that email could be misunderstood! Well gee thanks, hey he UNDERSTANDS how I could misunderstand that email, well then now everything is right with the world again! NOT!!! We argued about my birthday which he doesn't feel he is wrong for, by the way I suprised him for his birthday with a vacation and he can't put is pride aside just to wish me a happy birthday! This was all a week ago, he works out of state during the week and comes home on the weekends and since this has happened we sleep apart and don't speak. I am about to explode. I get nothing but negativity from him. He already said in counseling that he is not IN LOVE with me, when arguing he tells me I am lazy, horrible with finances (true), don't cook enough (hello, then get off your A$$ and cook since I work fulltime too), I don't spend quality time with our son (yes, but I am not into those video games, or rough-housing, son thinks I'm boring). Then I find out his little secrets like the email, and he expects me to swoon over him, he is so smug! Basically, my head keeps saying to let this man go so I can find someone to be IN LOVE with me. So that I can find someone who appreciates me and makes me happy the way I deserve to be. Also, I don't understand why he won't leave me! He said he is not IN LOVE and feels all these negative things about me, well then leave me! Don't stay because of guilt or the kids, that just makes everyone miserable. Basically, I am looking for the strength to let him go. I am emailing him asking if he is coming home this weekend and I realize I am looking for some sort of contact, some sort of acknowledgement from him. I told him that I would bow out gracefully, but I can't sit still anymore in silence. I have to ACT. I don't want to act in anger, but I have to end this craziness. I want to cry, scream, and slap MYSELF for putting up with this BS for so long. I actually look forward to the day of not loving him anymore. Isn't that sad to say. Aren't I suppose to say, "I look forward to the day that my marriage is going well", instead I look forward to the day where I REALLY don't care about him anymore. I am currently looking for other men to fill my lonliness, but I know that is just temporary pleasure, but I need to feel loved, to feel good and for some reason I can't seem to make MYSELF for good. We've tried counseling and things felt good, but as soon as we stopped things went right back to this. And the thing is, I am realizing that I don't need counseling, he does. He choses to waste his life with someone he is not in love with. I have to start to make the changes, this is the hardest thing for me, but I have to start somewhere, i just don't know where and how and if I have the strength to do it and stick to it. He has been honest in his feelings for me so why do am I just not getting it? Why don't I accept it?

Trying2_4give,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>He has been honest in his feelings for me so why do am I just not getting it? Why don't I accept it?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>If I haven't asked myself that a thousand times...I understand. I don't have any answers, I'm sorry, I wish I could be more help, but I too wonder many of the things you stated in this post. But I offer my ear to listen anytime. My prayers and support for you as well. Hang in there....<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{trying2_4give}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<BR><P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."<P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com

Thanks Jamie I could use some hugs today! To top things off, my best friend just questioned my parenting skills. TALK ABOUT A DAY THAT JUST NEEDS TO END, along with my love for my H. Is it going to get any better?

Hi Trying2_4Give -<P>I am so glad you posted....I know I was talking with you and the last few times I've popped on - I'd be darned if I could find it!!! Sorry....I see that the "tornado's" in full swing!!<P>Here's some BIG HUGS!!!!!<P>I completely understand all the hurt and frustration you have going on....it all comes out in the anger - which is actually a good thing!! It is healthy to have it "come out". So many people just bottle it up!!!!<P>There are a few things that I want to point out to you about what you wrote - hope you are open to listening cuz I am on my optimistic horse today!! LOL!!!<P>The first thing that struck me was what you said about only getting "negative" FROM him......<P>My question to you is...what is he getting FROM you? <P>Are you both mirroring each other?<P>Another thing that stood out for me was that he expressed some things that he needed improvement from you on....have you done anything to show improvement of them?<P>I know that you are at the point of thinking that you need to get in order to give... but he is obviously feeling the same. SO, what do you do about it?<BR>Just keep some kind of stubborn self-righteousness going or do you take some steps to break the stalemate? <P>This is not a children's game...not that you think it is - but the result is ending up being like one. You both have needs - that is the bottom line!! Why is the emphasis so much on WHO does first instead of getting it done?<P>You can't control him - all you can do is express what you need and work on what you can to show you care about his needs. Same goes with him!! You either try to fill his needs or don't try.....but blaming your not trying on him because he hasn't filled yours yet is just plain childish. It isn't a tit-for-tat kind of thing!!! <P>(I can hear the winds blowing....take some breaths, don't be mad yet - I am not done!!!)<P>None of the solutions needed for this relationship will be found in anger and pride......if that is all you are willing to show, then you are defeating yourselves. I mean, why bother? Why waste any more time and energy if you like your anger and pride? <P>When you wrote about him seeming smug - that just showed me how intense it seems that this is some game......it's like "she isn't changing so I'll show her that someone would want me" and in a way it is working...now you are in effect saying "he doesn't want me well, fine I will go find someone who want me"<P>What is up with that? Do you see it?<P>You both want the same thing - to FEEL wanted and important. Neither one of you are willing to take the first step and REALLY show it to the other.....<P>Both of your self-esteems are down and all that is needed is for one of you (at first) to start realizing that you MAKE YOUR OWN SELF HAPPY!!!! Once you feel happy - it will show!!! Then it will be contageous!!! That is when you can both start being on the same page.<P>Perhaps the counseling sessions somehow got you both to feel equal....now that is out of whack again somehow. <P>I really think some self examination and improvement would carry things a long way for the better in this situation.<P>Don't think of it as something done for HIM....it is not!!! It is something you need to do FOR YOU!!!! If you don't learn how to do all this problem fixing now....what makes you think that it won't come about in the future? There is no man (or woman) "out there" to find that will be your source for happiness!!<BR>That starts within yourself. <P>Everybody has insecurities at one time or another. WE are capable of helping our mates through theirs if we choose to. We also have to help ourselves.<P>Ok, have motivated enough!! (what a relief, eh?) I just think that you and H could be fine and in fact, be much better than most if someone would just lose their defense tendencies!!! <P>People are not always smart....your H made a bad choice! No excuses - but it happened!! Now what to do about it? <P>They all say that they are not in love with us......how could they be (in thier minds at the time) and do what they did/do? They have to tell themselves that in order to function and think that they are "good" people. <P>They are good people, for the most part. They are just running from a problem instead of straightening it out. They are not bad....just chicken in some cases!!!!! Or perhaps just don't know what to do to "fix".....<P>You are one of the lucky people (like us) because you have found MB and know that this can all be overcome and in fact, can and should be a learning/growing life experience. There is much that you can do. You just have to want to and put in the brain time and then the caring time.<P>I have faith in you T24G, I know that you love your H....I also believe that you also know what you can do anything that you put your mind to. I hope you can realize that this man is as scared and lonely (not to mention stubborn and angry) as you are!!!<P>And there's your son.....stuck in the middle of these two "adults" who are so alike!!!!! <P>Just some food for thought........<P>BIG HUGS and Love Ya,<P>Sheba

Hi T24G -<P>You posted as I did.....<P>Here're more BIG HUGS!!!!<P>Sounds like you need a "Calgon, take me away!!!" time.....<P>How about going for a long drive or walk.......clear your weary brain and then start with a clear head tomorrow!!<P>All will work out....have faith!!!<P>Sheba

Sheba,<BR>Thanks, I need to keeping hearing that confirmation too (its so easy to want to "throw the bum out"). Im not doing the hard work for H anymore, it wont be the end of the world if my H does not come home but I owe it to ME, God, H and my child to grow up and give this relationship all I've got...T24G..hang in there.

SHEBA, SHEBA, SHEBA, I swear you know who I am! Of course, at first I was like "WHO THE HECK IS SHE TO TELL ME....BLAH..BLAH..BLAH". But then you put the part in their about taking a deep breath because you know I was getting PI$$ED, and I just had to laugh! Everything you say is on the money about me, my stubborness, anger, and defensiveness come into play. What can I say, I've been found out, we do act like children who strike out when not getting our way and then the wall of anger goes up. As far as what I give H, I honestly don't know what else I can do. I've read the books, asked him to read them, nothing, I come to the marriage sites, asked him to do the same, nothing, counseling you know the story on that one. I feel that me staying and still trying after being told he isn't in love with me is proof enough of what I am willing to do or give to him. As far as what is he getting from me his biggest thing is trust, I try and then look what happens. How can someone have the audacity to ask for something when they know they are doing untrustworthy things. According to him and he said this to our counselor, EVERYTHING is my fault. The counselor stopped him and his tracks and told him everything is not ALL OF MY FAULT, but I think he truly believes that all the wrongs that he does is MY FAULT. He plays the victim. I think you are correct, we are mirroring each other. But I am always the one that has to start a dialogue or compromise in order for us to start speaking. For once it would be nice if he were to say, "You know what we have an issue that needs to be handled". Instead it's like he follows my lead until he wants sex of course. I don't know Sheba everything you say to me makes perfect sense and you are correct I have to learn how to make myself happy, I just don't know where/how to start. And I am tired of this thing consuming my every thought. I feel so down and can't seem to be mature enough or smart enough to handle it correctly.

Hi Trying2_4Give -<P>LOL!! Nah, I don't know WHO you are, but I try to understand what you are feeling and WHY you are feeling it!!<P>That is basically what needs to be done in regards to our spouses....just try to understand why they would act the way they do......<P>I have a couple of ideas for you on how to change the routine a little - sort of a "shake-up" for this rut.<P>First, with H wanting trust and it being "all your fault"....Pleeaaassssee!!!!<P>Yeah, when you see the halo and wings - then you might believe it!!!!<P>Sad part is that he might have actually convinced himself that he is right - so we gotta figure out how to show him that this is not correct.<P>When you wrote of reading, MB site, etc and how you get nothing on that end...how about changing it to more day to day "things" that he can see, touch, smell, taste, etc? Some people are the type that need action instead of words and theory....men especially.<P>If the intellectual approach doesn't work, how about the hands-on? Those things he mentioned - finances, cooking, etc. - have you done anything with those? Have you been able to change anything that he SPECIFICALLY said that he would like improvement on?<P>What I am thinking is, besides it being good for yourself to be as knowledgable and proficient as you can be, it would cause two other results - 1) show your caring of his needs directly in line with what he said and 2) If he continues with this behavior, then it shows that these things were just excuses.<P>Do you see what I mean? Hit him in the face with the fact that you have taken the bull by the horns and done what he desired.....then what can he say? Then what can he do? It's all on him then!!<P>What do you think? This would also help with it consuming your thoughts...you'd be in "action" mode!!!<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba<P>PS - Sad In St Louis : That is all we can do - give it our best!!!

Oooooooooooooohhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!<BR>I know how you feel! Been there done that about 150million times!!!!!!!!!<P>UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!1<P>But it is part of the process! Not the time to give up now! You have way more going for you than you realize, little MISS SICK OF IT ALL!!!!!!!!!<P>It is really part of the process. It is part of the hardest parts. No, is discovery harder? I wonder. <P>It is the part of Plan A where you keep on keeping on, without your needs being met by your spouse. That is exactly where you are at. <P>You've been here long enough to know how to interpret "I love you, but I'm not IN love".... EMPTY LOVEBANK SYNDROME<P>He's got it. Fill it up. <P>The reason is: YOUR BEHAVIOR AFFECTS HIS BEHAVIOR. Seriously!!! Seriously seriously seriously!<P>This is NOT the time to get angry, this is the time to take the strongest action you have - and - find a way to fill your lovebank up from yourself - not someone else. <P>Do the calgon, recognize you are very vulnerable, and this is part of the process. When you are at this point, - it is like the "make it or break it time." Seriously!~!! Go the extra mile! Go 500 extra miles now! You will not be sorry!<P>Now is the time to show us how committed you are to your future life with your husband! Now is the "pudding" so to speak.<P>Don't think about the now, the past. Think about what you are creating! YOU have the power to create YOUR future, and you have the power to create an environment for a happy marriage.<P>HANG IN THERE, DON'T QUIT. <P>Be like that energizer bunny - keep on keeping on.<P>TNT

Wow Thanks, my wise Sheba and TrustnTruth. I promise you this weekend I will try, no not try, I WILL do some of the things that he has had problems with, cleaning, cooking, etc. Oh GREAT, now that means I have to go home after work and start cleaning and cooking, thank goodness I held off on that manicure!! <BR>The only thing that I can't promise is something dealing with the sex. I don't want to withhold it as a LB, but I can't physically be with him at this time, I can't give my body to ANYONE when my spirit does not feel, shall we say in tune. I would feel so used and to me lovemaking should be just that, LOVEMAKING! I don't know how to say no without him being upset about it and then me LB when he gets upset. Any suggestions?

Oh shoot!!<P>Tryng2_4Give are you still on or are you off the weekend?<P>I wrote you a whole big post this morning before I went to work and since it's not here I guess it didn't take!!!<P>Darn.....I had some ideas about the weekend for you!!!!<P>If you're around still - let me know!!!!<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba

Hi Trying2_4Give -<P>Just checking on you....<P>How'd the weekend go?<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba

Hey Sheba!<BR>Things went great! At first we didn't speak when he walked in, I just continued MOPPING THE FLOOR (one of his complaints was my lack of cleaning). He played with kids, I cleaned while listening to soothing music. Then afterwards, I'm in the shower and H decides to pick the lock and join me. Remember when I said that I can't give my body when things are not okay. Well, I guess I lied! The rest of the weekend we spent together with our kids, enjoyed the beautiful weather, enjoyed each other, but we didn't discuss any of the issues, just enjoyed our weekend. When he left this morning to go back to his job (out-of-state), I felt a whole lot better about things. I am going to visit him this weekend and scout areas to move to. I don't know if I am doing the right thing of not rocking the boat by not bringing up any past arguements, but I really don't know what else to say about it at this point. He knows that he has hurt me and he has apologized for that so I guess we will just have to take it 1 day at a time. I just hate the fact that when things are not going well it feels like the end, and then when we are speaking all feels right again in the world. I still want to be able to feel happy within myself where I don't let our issues cloud my days. But right now, I feel good.