I have not posted in sometime. But have been lurking in the weeds and am glad to see that some people are doing well. My story is that my wife admitted to an EA with a stay at home dad last Oct after a phone call to me by someone telling me such.<P>She admitted a connection with him and agreed to stop talking with him. Well we know what follows; more conversation with him, nasty to me, not in love with me, he has nothing to do with our problems, no sex, etc. This has been going on for over a 1 1/2 years now.<P>I have been Plan Aing a heart out and have been in counseling with Steve H for about three months. My wife will not go back to counseling after a not so good experience last summer.<P>The usual suspisions of an affair are all there; no sex, long phone conversations,etc. Tuesday the OM's wife called me to tell me she had a tape of a phone conversation with them. She brought it to my office. The tape though not conclusive shows that this is much more then a friendship. They where also concerned that they where being taped so there was some talk in code. <P>Since that day and even a couple of days before my wife has been very nice. She is talking a little more and even agrees that things may have gone too far with OM. She tells me she is trying to slow things down with him. The tape is not clear on if this is the case though it does prove she is not telling me the truth. <P>The OM who is getting a divorce is clearly pursuing her and she very much enjoys the attention. Some of this she has told me and some of it she has not.<P>OM's wife tells me that they are going move and she is going to continue with the divorce. She also says that it is clear that he is pursing her and that he is going to be surprised when she does not leave me for him.<P>I have about had it and am ready to go to Plan B since the tapes prove there is more then a friendship. I am trying to talk with Steve later this week. But I have the following quesitions.<P>1. Is it time for Plan B?<BR>2. Is she just being nice now because she now knows she might be caught?<BR>3. Should I confront her with the tape before I go to Plan B or as part of it?<P><BR>

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Zip:<P>You're asking tough questions!<P>Let me ask you some:<P>1) What do you want to do?<P>2) You know her better than we do, do you think she's afraid of getting caught? Do yo think she knows there is a possibilty?<P>3) Is it possible the tape might snap some reality to her?<P>4) Is paying her a lot of attention part of your Plan A?<P>IMHO, I think you should stick with Plan A for now. Right now would be a perfect opportunity for her to go move in with OM if he's making a big move right now.<P>Good luck! Hang in there! --HBC<P>---<BR>Hey, where is everybody on this one? This is someone who politely asked for some help here!

Zip, I wanted to respond to you. There are similarities in our "stories". But I wanted to ask you a few things coz I do not know your full story.<P>Did you confront a year and half ago. ie. is that when the nasty, not in love, has nothing to do with our problems, no sex start??<P>If so, I would think plan B would be in order. But what does S.Harley say?<P>In my case, it seems like my H has had a friendship with a "loyal" (ingratiating) co-worker for a few years. (working 8-10 hours 6 days a week)<P>Things between my H and I (and he and the children) seemed fine until a long business trip abroad with OP. He came home seeming like he was taking drugs. ( I took drugs, so was aware of what that was like)<P>That's when all of the nasty, has nothing to do with our problems, started with me.<P>Before I knew about this site I booted him out. He kept saying he needed to be out, but I do not think he would have if I didn't boot him.. I told him he had to go because he was coming home and acting like this was a concentration camp. It truly affected my children.<P>I found this site and MB books on the day he moved out. (that day was the first day of the rest of my life)<P>I have to tell you, I have spoken with S.Harley 3 times and will continue to. I have read the books and have been doing plan A as best I can.<P>What has ended up softening my H were the times I drew a deep line in the sand. Got tough (respectfully)<P>I actually did a plan B (or DivorseBusters 180) early on because he blamed me for somethig the OP{ was doing. I did it for a weekend and he hated it. He complained to his mom so I relented due to the kids.<P>That actually softened him enough for me to do a better plan A.<P>Other disrespectful things have happened (thanks to Op) that have again made me get tough. I told him a few weeks ago that I am not stopping him from doing wha the wants, but because of the kids, I will not toleraate certain things. I kindof told him I understood that he was confused, but I would not change my values. If he wants to explore a relationship, it will have to be on his own time and not my marraige.<P>I know this is not completely MB. I am trying, but I see this as a pattern in his life. I have been with him for 13 years and have accepted him as he has blamed his unhappiness of depression on his job (we have moved three times and he has had four jobs) , or people, etc. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that he dumped it on me and the kids.<P>So, my thoughts (notice it's not really advice, because I really do not know what the heck I am doing)to you are this;<P>Discuss the tape ( as respectfully as you can. Actualy it works in your favor that it was the Op's s that did it. My H has never told me much, but OP's H has told me a lot and called me with pertinent info. My H took it as a LB at first, but as time went on and he realized that I was telling the truth, reality hit!!!!!<P>You may have to get tough and do plan B. I thing the timing is 6 months of plan A and then plan B. Iknow all situations are different, but I think at some point the WS need to "get off the fence"

This may not be completely MB, but I would vote to step back for a little while. When she has to deal with the OM face every morning, that will be a wakeup.<P>I don't think you should go to plan B yet. She seems receptive right now. Give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe what she says is true.<P>Good Luck

Boy has my wife been calling me a ton to check up with me and test my voice. OM found where the recorder on the phone was and also knows that his wife has a PI following him. All this has been shared with my wife. So I am sure she is thinking about what I know.<P>It is so tough to decide if she is trying to be nice because she is caught or if she is really trying. She is almost feeling me out to see what I know and what I am willing to share. I asked her if she had stronger feelings for OM then she did for me? She would not answer. This AM she says she is married to me and has kids with me. So she really did not answer the question. So who knows.<P>Now the answers to some of the questions...The question was asked what do I want to do? What I want to do is save my marriage and if that means more Plan A or go to Plan B then sobeit. Yes I do think my wife is afraid of me getting a tape from OM's wife. But no I don't think it will snap her back to reality. She is very defiant right now and says she is very happy with her who she is. She has noticed my Plan A but says sometimes that I am a little late in changing.<P>The no sex thing has been going on for 6 months. In fact the last time we had sex was the day of the call alerting me to the affair. <P>I am talking to Steve H on Monday so he should give me an update on what is going on. I talked to his dad on his radio show and he said I should confront her right now with the tape.<P>She is so emotionally distant from me it is unreal. <BR>

Zip,<P>I am no expert but, you know what I would do. I would play the tape for her. I wouldn't comment. Just let her hear her own voice talking with OM. <P>I would play a copy(keep your original), but I would just let her listen and then leave the room. She will understand at that point what she has done and that you know at least this much and maybe more. <P>Don't LB, but talk to her if she wants to talk. I suspect the silence from your will tell her plenty, but there are no threats (do this or else, type of stuff).<P>It seems to me want you want is for her to wake up and see what she is doing. She still may not come back but she will have to take full responsibility for her actions. I suspect that is why Dr. Harley told you what to do on the radio show.<P>It is a confrontation, but you didn't eavesdrop, you received this information from OM's W. She will not be happy, but she will not be able to deny to you and more importantly to herself, what she has done.<P>Just my $0.02<P>God Bless,<P>JL

I agree with the post by Just Learning. Makes a lot sense. Best wishes..max