I just discovered that my husband has not only had an affair, but that affair produced a child who is now a few months old. He has not been involved with her (so he says) for 9 months, but he has been in contact with her because she threatened to tell me if he wasn't. He says that he did not want the child, doesn't want anything to do with the mother, and is very sorry.<P>Now, my dilemma is what to do? Point one, my husband is a liar. He kept this from me for a year!<P>Point two- even though there is no involvement with this woman, she still thinks they are going to be together and be a family. There is no way this woman can have anything to do with my life.<P>Point three- I believe the child is innocent. I think children deserve parents, but I can't tolerate any contact with the child or the mother. My husband says he has no attachment to the child (he's only seen her twice) and would give her up for me, but I can't ask such a thing. Neither can I tolerate to have the child or the mother in my life.<P>My inclination is to just walk away from the whole thing. I can't respect my husband if he walks away from his responsibility to that child and can't stand to have this in our lives. <P>How have you all handled this?<P>Torn, Popeye

Popeye,<P>I'm not sure what's going on lately, but there seem to be a lot of new faces recently that are in this situation. I'm sorry that you are one of us, but welcome to MB. I'm glad that you found us. You will find support from others where there is an other child (OC) involved.<P>Recovery can be much harder and longer but it is not impossible. I have been in recovery for 16 months (9 months since the OC was born). It's been rocky at times, but I feel my H and I have learned a lot and have experienced personal growth along the way. We have not resolved all our issues, including what sort of involvement the OC will play in our lives, but we are still in counseling to help us get there. We have 3 children of our own so that makes it even more complicated. It doesn't sound like you and your H have any children. Is that true? The first priority for my H and I is to work on making our marriage more healthy. Then we can decide together how to handle the OC (besides the child support we are already paying). I believe that once our marriage is healthy, I will able to welcome the OC into our lives. Only time will tell. We are taking it one step at a time.<P>Take care,<BR>Audrey

Popeye, first you need to find out why OW is under the impression that she and your H will be a family someday if he is not seeing her anymore and then with all of the information, take some time to process it before making any major decisions. Maybe all 3 of you (you, H and OW) should sit down and discuss what is going on and how it is going to be handled. You won't be able to start to deal with it until you know where your H and the OW stand.

No, we do not have children, and that complicates things. I have always told my H that I don't want kids because of I have one child from a previous marriage that ended in divorce and have never wanted that to happen again. H wanted kids, but said it wasn't an issue of just wanting kids, but wanting kids with me. If he couldn't have mine, he didn't want any. Our lives just were never at a place where we were ever ready, so it was never a consideration. (married 5 years)<P>The OW seems to have had seduction, and pregnancy in her mind the entire time and is just delusional about having a future with my H. He says she was very persistent (I AM NOT EXCUSING HIM!!!!) and succeeded in getting him there, making him feel really vulnerable by sublty degrading me while stroking his ego, and was just a brazen hussy WHEN SHE WAS OVULATING. This woman is in her upper 30s and was feeling the biological clock ticking. My husband had already stopped seeing her when she told him she was pregnant (his cell phone records check out). She was deliriously happy and told him she was going to have the baby with or without him.<P>Well, now this is the part that gets sticky. Once she told him she was pregnant, he started calling her again. he says it wasn't to see her through anything, but to keep her from telling me. (I am not sure I am swallowing all of that. I am not sure he didn't want the baby then, but he sure doesn't now).<P>That encouraged her into thinking the baby would keep them together. I found out because SHE TOLD ME. She said she was tired of his lies and waiting around for him.<P>I don't think I can stick through this.

popeye,<BR>I see you're getting to the other OC posts, but want to add my support.<P>I highly recommend After the Affair by Janis Abram Spring as well as this board and Harley tactics (plan A, taking the Emotional Needs Questionaires, etc). Honestly I think most people should not make rush decisions in the wake of such devastating news!! Keep educating yourself and discussing with your H! It's been said that if we don't work out our problems in one relationship, we'll just repeat them in the next-yikes! Don't mean you HAVE to stay married, but go slow! <P>Good luck, <BR>Jenny

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