Hello,<P>I am lost as how to utilize plan A while my wife is living with the OM. I do not get to see her much, or even talk to her much. I speak to her on the phone for a few minutes when she calls to talk to the children, but that time is usually all about the children (baby sitting, visitation and school). She takes the children every Saturday for visitation (I work Saturdays) and drops them off when I am done work, not much time there either.<P>I guess my question is: How do I use plan A when I never have contact long enough to do anything but say I love you? Our 11th anniversary is Sunday, I asked if she wanted to get together for lunch or something she said "I don't think that would be appropriate" I bought her an anniversary card and wrote her a poem which I plan on giving her on Saturday when she comes to get the children. <P>Any advice on how to use Plan A in such a limited way is needed and welcomed. I have tried to be as loving as possible with her in all aspects of this 'separation'. She moved in with the OM the day she left me (17 days ago). He is married and I know he has a lot more contact with his 'wife' and children (he calls them all the time and even visits more often) I also know he does this behind my wifes back and I look at that as a good sign (once she finds out how sneaky he is with her it may wake her up). My wife says she thinks of me almost everyday, so I guess plan A is working somewhat as that is the plan, to keep her thinking of me.<P>Again ANY advice is welcome feel free to email me (bupahs@juno.com) or post here.<P>Thanks,<BR>Keith <aka Bupahs>

Sounds to me like you're doing all you can but here's a few more suggestions. Make your best effort every chance you get. If you know you will see her, dress a little nicer for her. Tell her she looks nice. Too much "I Love You" may, in fact, turn her away due to guilt. If the OM is "cheating" on her with his wife (I love this irony!) then , you may be right. Your wife will catch on and now become the betrayed. If the OM's wife is in a Plan A of sorts, then their affair may be short lived. In any event, you must show your wife that she is safe with you. <P>Another things, Plan A is as much about yourself as it is about your wife. What are you doing in your Plan A for YOU! I read more (not just all this psychobabble), ride my bike and spend more time playing with my sons, go to church. I have things in my Plan A that will make me a better, healthier and happier person regardless of what my wife chooses. Not only do I benefit directly, but my wife has seen the changes in me and is starting to "thaw out" a little.

Hi, bupahs!<P>All is not lost. You've gotten some excellent advice from Gonnatry!! Do it!<P>Our situations are/were VERY similar. In fact, I'd go WEEKS w/out even talking to Robert. Well, Plan A worked for me, so it can work for you, too!<P>I've bored most everyone enough with my story, so you'll find it all over this board (most recently to Bethn and Gabrielle and Lora, among others).<P>Hang in there, it ain't over yet!<P>Lori

Here's another word of encouragement to hang in there...<P>I'm in a similar situation...H moved in with OW a little over a week ago. But already I'm seeing signs that reality is setting in and replacing the fantasy. I think that's the good part--the more they're together in "real life," the more pressure and expectations they'll exert on each other. <P>After a year of EA and PA, she's pressing him now to commit -- and he's beginning to realize he's not willing to give up everything for her (especially his children).<BR>He told me this AM that he thinks OW is going to move out and get on with her life...well, I've heard words before--won't get my hopes up till I see some action...but it's a good reason to have a good day, right?<P>As you can see, I've become pretty familiar with this roller coaster life...<P>Just keep being consistent, go with your instincts (you know what her EN's are, right?) and don't expect anything in return right now. Time is on your side.<P>Prayer has helped me tremendously to get through this nightmare. We've got to keep the faith -- our families are worth it. At least my children will know that mommy fought courageously....<P>I'll be praying for you!

Leave an unsigned card on her car at work. Or maybe a flower.<P>I tend to be a direct kind of guy, so I'll jsut call her up. I stopped her the other day when she was leaving and talking to the BF on her cell phone. Told her I loved her and gave her a kiss. Wonder what OM was thinking on the line. HA HA!<P>Get creative. Do things she doesn't expect. Don't do them to get "credit," do them because this is the person you love and you want her back.

Bupahs,<P>Part of your Plan A can be giving her some time and space to herself. That may seem somewhat inconsistant with Plan A, but it may help her to appreciate you (absence makes the heart grow fonder). So don't call her so often, lay off the "I love you" and reconsider the anniversary card; avoid anything too sentimental, or that could be considered pleading, guilt-tripping, whining, etc. Feel free to post you letter here. We may not be good critics of poetry, but we can give you a second opinion on the content.<P>Another good idea is to keep a journal. write down what you want to do to improve your relationship, act on it, and then write down the results. Don't worry about set-backs, there will be plenty of them, but use them to learn what to focus your efforts on.<P>Good luck and hang in there.

Hello,<P>All excellent things to keep in mind!<P>I have begun a Plan A of sorts on myself. I have always kept a journal (for more than 14 years) and I write everyday. I do make 'plans of action' and give my best effort to follow them to completion. I have also started taking care of myself a bit better, I am 5' 11" and weigh in at 190lbs, not fat and not thin, but not in the worlds greatest shape either. I have taken up running and roller blades (the kids love to roller blade with me). Every time I know she is popping in to pick up the boys I make sure I am dressed a bit better than norm. I was always a jeans and T-shirt type of guy, but I have improved my wardrobe and she did notice, even commenting once that it looks like I am flirting with her (caught red handed <smile> ).<P>Yes I know what her EN's are, and I expect nothing in return, she does suprise me time to time by dropping one of my EN's on me. I take it in stride, and try not to let little things become BIG things and overreact.<P>I have found doing things she does not expect to work rather well, she knows me, like a well read book, so I try to do things that are the opposite of what she would expect.<P>I never call her by the way, I have her number but I do not call. I wait till she calls the kids and let her ask for me (an example of doing the opposite of what she thinks I would do, she expected me to call her everyday and 'hound her to death"). Belive me knowing she is a phone call away and NOT calling is extremely HARD to do.<P>I will reconsider the anniversary card, I can always hold on to it for a better day.<P>Thanks fo all the help,<P>Keith <aka Bupahs>