I need some help. Is anyone here an unfaithful husband whose affair just <BR>happened when a friendship crossed the line?. Can you give me advice as to <BR>what to do, I am the Betrayed Wife. I am very (too) independant and my husband has often told me I dont need him (she will do anything for him and begs him to stay with her). I <BR>need to become friends with him again (thats what OW did). HOW????? I feel so <BR>weird around him, almost phony when I try to get interested in his life. I <BR>feel as if he answers me just to be polite but wishes I would not "bother" <BR>him. My anger is in major withdrawl (YES) and I can ask him about OW without <BR>slamming him. I am talking like a friend in that area but in the rest of our <BR>conversations, I am wordless. Also, Is it LB to ask him if he saw her or has <BR>talked to her (he doesnt live at home now and is often out of contact with <BR>me.) Is it LB to ask him if he wants to be married to me and if he says yes, <BR>to ask him what can we do to begin to reconcile-even if he has no answer??? <BR>What personal topics are NOT LB. Thanks for any input. I have been so very <BR>encouraged to find this board and I thank all of you for your honesty in your <BR>pain. It helps so very much.<BR>Kris<BR>

SISL, has your H can you any feedback to what/who he wants? I know you say he feels you don't need him, but has he told you that he wants a divorce or that he wants to be with OW? You say he isn't living with you, but you never clarify what H is actually telling you. Have you taken the EN questionnaire? That could be a start, and that way you can find out what needs have been neglected on your part. The biggest one that he has said to you is that he doesn't feel that you need him. I am an independent woman also, and acting like a lovesick puppy filled with compliments to feed the ego has never been my style. But there are other ways that you could show him. Are you affectionate? Do you do activities together? Do you let him know that you would like to spend some quality time with him?

SISL,<P>There is no fixed list of what constitutes Love Buster, instead it is your H who defines what is a Love Buster, it's not fair... affairs are never fair, but if you're in Plan A avoid Love Busters at all costs.<P>However, you should feel free to discuss your emotions and feelings freely as long as you don't use Disrepectful Judgements or Angry Outbursts (which are sure Love Busters), so you might have to re-formulate questions so to avoid these Love Busters.<P>You can ask him if there is anything that he wants to tell you (probably not, but there is a chance).<P>You can tell him that you feel really sad and angry if he's withholding information from you.<P>If he doesn't want to answer the questions or seems to avoid them, do not press the issue and do not resort to anger, just let him know that it saddens you that he's not able to talk about it now, but you will be there for him when he's ready.<BR>

Thanks Sadman, it helps, I just need to let it sink into my heart that I need to not press issues..."dont expect anything and you wont be disappointed." Control was always my problem (Adult Child of Alcoholic) and God is breaking me of that now.<P>t24g, My husband tells me he does not want to be with OW but she still calls him (I have his cell phone code), goes to his work (family business, he has to tell me if I ask because his mom would if I asked her), and he still sees her and returns her calls (Ive seen the cell phone bills). He doesnt want a divorce but he wont break ties with her either, she need his "friendship" now since he got her pregnant (my son is only 7 months old...where is his loyalty to us???) No we have not taken the EN questionaire. I need to and will this weekend (thanks for the reminder)...I havent even told him about this sight yet, our conversations dont get this far so I havent asked him about taking a questionaire. He is not into self help or professional help. He thinks it can all be reasoned out in his head. He is a very good mechanical problem solver. He asked for one of the books on adultry that I read but to date (2weeks) he hasnt picked it up yet. I hug him (he began pushing me away 3 years ago and still does sometimes) I kiss him, He doesnt want to do much with me. We are supposed to go out tonight but he told me this morning (returning my call) that its "Cinco de Mayo" and he may go out for drinks with friends instead...maybe we can get together later than we had planned. The activity we were going to ends by 9pm. My feeling were hurt and I told him if he'd rather not be with me, I would be okay with that. I told him I didnt want him to feel obligated to being with me, Id rather him want to than to feel forced. He gave no response and his carphone died. I havent talked to him since. I ask him to do stuff with me all the time. He usually has plans with his buddies (or her though he denys it) but sees me once a week unless I meet him for lunch at his work 20 miles away from home. It sucks. Im sorry, Im having a "what about me" day...<BR>Kris

SiSL,<P>I am sorry to read about your situation. I thought I would respond to express something that you may not appreciate. One of the worst things a man can feel is that his W doesn't need him.<P>Actually, it is pretty bad for W as well. In fact if you look at HN/HN or read the posts here one of the main reasons for the affair, will boil down to one or the other of the couple feeling left out and not needed.<P>It will be difficult to overcome this if you are very independent, but it can be done. I feel that one of the great tragedies of the current thinking is that everyone should be doing their own thing. It is currently very fashionable for women to be "independent". <P>The problem is that marriage is an agreement that the couple will be interdependent. That does not me incapable of functioning but that the couple has agreed to help one another. If one doesn't seem to need help or even participation in the others life, the marriage goes down the drain. <P>So where am I going with this. You are fighting the fact that the OW "needs" you H, but he feels you don't. Guess which why this is going to go if it keeps up? So the challenge to you during Plan A, is to evaluate yourself and your actions to see where you can let your H back into your life with you feeling that you have compromised your sense of independence. <P>It can be done but you will need to be very honest with yourself. If you identify ways and places to let your H back into your life, then he realize something that you apparently know, you do want him as your H. You do "need" him for you to enjoy and fulfil your life.<P>I hope you don't take this as a slam against you. It is not meant to be that at all, but hopefully these comments will provide you some ideas on how to proceed.<P>God Bless You and Your Family,<P>JL<P>PS. It is hard to tell what is an LB, but asking reasonable questions without anger or disrespectful judgements is a good thing. Just watch and see what happens. It will take time to get this back on track so little steps. Good Luck

Does he want a woman who "needs" him or one who "wants" him? Needs creadtes dependency, and that is not a good basis for a relationship. Wants immplies that, he is accepted with his flaws and imperfections. What real man would desire a needy partner?

JL, Thanks for your post, not you arent slamming me. I am so open to any help...this whole affair has forced me to really look at my "ugliness" for the first time in my 34 years...what a really shock I have had. Thanks for your kind words and advise. We went out last night with friends for the first time since Sept (he moved out in Nov) and we had a nice time. OW called on his cell (I asked, he said it was her) but he didnt return her call while we were together. I did not LB to the best I can tell. He originally was going out with buddies Sun but mentioned maybe us getting together too (I wont expect it but it would be nice). I told him I want to be his best friend because I love him, want him as my husband even though we will soon have an OC for the next 20+ years and now that I have finally begun examining myself (instead of focusing on his flaws) I realize what a gift I had in him but was to angry or critical to see it. Talk about hurting inside when you can finally see the real enemy and it is you....tears....oh well. If I have another chance, that man will not regret it.<P>Texasgirl,<BR>I needed to hear the difference between want and need. I agree. I never "wanted" what I had, I always thought if he would just do or be x,y or z, then I could treat him right. My pride, anger and arrogance may have killed my marriage. I pray not. I know God is bigger than this whole thing and regardless of where we come out, I will be a new person!!! (sadder for a while but wiser and kinder)<BR>Kris<P>

SiStL,<P>If you do nothing else remember this one sentence you posted <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If I have another chance, that man will not regret it. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You see as that attitude begins to take hold in your thinking and actions, your H will notice. You cannot change other people, but you can surely affect how they act with your actions. From what you have said you are now learning this.<P>It sounds as if your date worked out well. No LB's and he is thinking of getting together Sun. Whether he does or not is not really important right now. You see how you have affected him already? Obviously you did a lot right on the date. <P>Deep down he still loves you, that seems clear. Further, someone who put up with (I am guessing here based on your few comments) how you treated him must have had a deep love for you. It obviously has not been completely killed. So nurture it and you will have the marriage you always wanted.<P>Isn't strange how we often get in the way of our own dreams? Your life will be more complicated with OC, but oddly it it may turn out to be much better. Give it a good solid chance SiStL. There is much to be hopeful for.<P>God Bless,<P>JL