Since my profile is still wonko...H's affair 4/98, moved out first time 8/98, has moved in and out as his affair has waxed & waned but OW seems to be pretty much out the picture since Oct., yet he has moved out twice since then, the last time in Jan, at which point I picked up my ball & refused to play anymore. He then wanted to reconcile. I didn't give him any hope, but did spend time with him, although I had developed an EA. I went to no-contact with the OM about 6 weeks ago. About the time I decided that I wanted to give our marriage another chance--Guard did an excellent Plan A--and I put the divorce papers on hold, he had moved into a house.... <P>There's really not much new. I'm not pursuing the divorce. Guard is settling into his house. Last night was the first night he had the kids there overnight. He also got a kitten last night. There are 3 cats (1 is a new adoptee from our youngest kid's best friend who is moving) & a dog here at home, and he never seemed much in favor of the pets when he lived here. He hasn't moved most of the furniture from my house that we agreed to split...but he has bought a few things. He's making plans for his house but also says "when I move home".<P>We've been seeing a lot of each other. It's been pretty pleasant and we're both making an effort to make good times. We've started going to counseling again. The counselor advises us to forgive, let the old wounds heal and stop using each other's past bad behavior as "ammo". <P>The thing I am really struggling with is that Guard's behavior the last few weeks matches that of when he was actively involved in his affair. He sees me & the kids nearly everyday, but leaves at about 8:30, which in the past was time enough to go see her.<P>He's leaving for a work weekend today and I asked him this morning to try to figure out what it is that keeps him from wanting to move home. <P>Guard says he wants the marriage, I want the marriage, yet, I do feel skittish and nearly at the point again of wanting to pick up my ball. I've lived with half or no marriage for over 2 years. I think that we either need to go for the marriage with everything we've got left or divorce. I know it would be terrible if he moved home again and it failed...but not much more terrible than this?<P>I don't see Plan B as an option right now, as we're not losing love for each other when we see each other. We both say & return the words "I love you" without those nasty hesitations or blank silences .<P>It feels so close to working...I guess I need to know if it more than fear and lack of trust that is keeping us apart.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Hi Lor,<P>I admire you too. You are so strong. I would have given up long ago. Maybe the time apart is what is needed. <P>Have you told him how you feel when he leaves at 8:30? Give him your fears and then make him try to make ammends. Try and be honest and give him the chance to prove to you his love.

I am so glad you posted. I am sure many here were wondering about you these past few days as I have. I have tried to contact you a couple times without success (the email won't go through for some reason-comes back that address is wrong).<P>Reading Guard's posts a few weeks ago, I thought that he was completely open, remorseful, ready and eager to put the marriage back together. He was so passionate about wanting to be your husband and a father to the girls-to make the family whole and intact.<P>I can't help but think that your take on this is accurate. You two have been through so much and you both want to make sure it will work this time. As long as you both still go to counselling and keep seeing each other every day and the hesitation is gone, you are probably both on the mend.<P>The love is there, Lor. In some ways stronger than ever. Just the fact that you stayed the course for so long is proof to him how deeply committed you are to him and the marriage. I believe he is equally committed and wants to be home with his family but doesn't want to put you through the push-pull. Maybe this is a good thing. With Guard having his own place for a while, it will give you some space and an opportunity to determine if this is right for you. <BR>On the other hand, it is also dangerous because it could make you open to get involved with someone else if you feel disconnected. I don't know. Have you two put a time frame on this living arrangement? Maybe some kind of expectations or time limit should be discussed so it doesn't turn into a limbo for you. <BR>This could be an opportunity for you two to begin again. Could be romantic, fun and exciting.<P>Catnip =^^=

Lor,<P>I'm saddened Guard hasn't been on the forum for so long...<P>...I pray he comes back soon...<P> <P>Jim

Lor,<P>I know it's scary, What Paha said makes sense. Tell him how you feel, Tell him you are afraid.<P>You two have got to sit down and really really talk this out. But without letting the hurt and anger back in. Easier said than done, I know.<P>Guard, are you listening ? Man this is what you were waiting for a few months ago. Talk to her !<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

I guess I should address Guard's absence on MB. The last couple times I've posted about this, Guard said I was misrepresenting him. If I've got it right now, he stopped posting because he didn't know if he was helping people ( I know he was), plus, I nearly stopped posting and he knows how much I have needed MB. I also got angry with him on the board, just as in real life because I did not believe the change in him was real and I did not think I could give him another chance, nor at that point, did I want to. Having a new venue to argue in really didn't help our situation. And I didn't give a HOOT about whether or not I was LBing. I'm working at Plan A again, now.<P>He also does not think I portray the truth of how things are between us. Sometimes I leave things out. I have told him that each post is like an emotional snapshot of that moment. What I say about how I feel is true at that moment...my emotions can and usually do change. I could go on, but he doesn't like it when I put words in his mouth...er post? And, yeah, I do post how I think things are, because that is what I think. Indeed, he may view something completely differently than I do. (I bet this happens to most of us?) This is probably one of our issues, we both like to be RIGHT! <P>Paha--good to hear from you. I don't know what I did to get your approval, but thank you. I've told Guard how I feel about his leaving, the fears I have. His response is he gets home pretty much in time to go to sleep and that he is spending a lot of time with me and the kids. Which, I guess he IS, but not as much as if he lived here.<P>Catnip--try this: amelia@aol.com. When I didn't hear from you, I wasn't sure what to think! One of the earmarks of Guard these past 2 years has been that his words and actions don't match. Maybe I'm wrong, but it "feels" like that to me now, with him saying he wants to make the marriage work, but at the same time settling into that house. We very definitely have communication problems. The communication had deteriorated for a long time and the mess has made it worse. We don't want to HURT each other...which often leads to dishonesty or omissions. And at times we've both reacted very badly to the other person's honesty.<P>NSR--thanks for your prayers for Guard. I do now believe, despite my fears, he is on the right path and working to stay there.<P>Deb--want to hold hands as we jump back into our marriages?

Lor,<P>I admire you becuase you really have been trying to work on the marriage for so long. I guess I am in the same situation but I think I am giving up and not working on it.<P>While you still are. <P>{{{{{{{{{{lor}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Lor & Guard, <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>He also does not think I portray the truth of how things are between us.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>The truth is how a person sees something. Others might see it differently. As Joe Friday used to say, “just the facts ma’am.”<P>You are giving your side of the story <B>as you see it</B>. I don’t believe you are trying to misrepresent the facts. A very good book on how to communicate is <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0399521372/o/qid%3D932279191/sr%3D8-1/002-0397612-1433866" TARGET=_blank> We Can Work It Out : How to Solve Conflicts, Save Your Marriage, and Strengthen Your Love for Each Other</A> by Clifford I. Notarius, Howard J. Markman<P>Read & heed this book & you will never misunderstand your spouse again. Also it goes along with the same principles as MB. Very, very good book.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A><p>[This message has been edited by Chris (CA123) (edited May 05, 2000).]

Lor: It's the same problem. I keep getting a message back saying there is no known "amelia@aol.com."<P>Write to me at kmkofflin@aol.com and let's see if you can get through to me. If you get through, I will be able to respond. Good luck. I look forward to hearing from you.

Hi Lor,<P>Sounds like Guard has been bouncing back & forth like a rubber ball. What's the longest that you two have been separated? Have you thought about trying to break the pattern by remaining separated for an agreed upon longer period of time; say 6 months or whatever you feel is appropriate? Maybe he (and you) just hasn't had enough solitary time to sort everything out???<P>Just a thought, for what it's worth. I'm certainly no expert in this field. <P>When my H decided to move out, he signed a six month lease. The amusing thing was that when I asked him about the length of the lease, he knew the exact number of months/weeks/days he had left. He was speaking about it like it was a prison sentence!!!<P>Anyway, after he left (I naturally felt abandoned) & I really tried to have no contact with him. But, he wouldn't leave me alone!! Within a week of leaving, he was on my doorstep unannounced. Being a marshallow-type person, I couldn't turn him away. Since then, he continued to call me and see me, and I've always been very cordial (and nice!). Yet, I have maintained my distance and I gave him the space he seemed to need. I purposely did not initiated any contact with him. I wanted him to see what life would be like without me. And, vice versa!! (Later, he did confide that he was having nightmares that I had found someone else and was waking up in a cold sweat.) <P>At this point, I can't tell you whether this approach was successful, or not. He is moving back next weekend, so I guess time will tell. I read somewhere that sometimes the biggest mistake people make is trying to force things rather than letting nature take it's course. I guess we're back to the old patience thing again!!<P>I read an interesting article on rut-busting that defined insanity as doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. Easy to say, but the hardest part is breaking the pattern. The article did advise starting by just doing one thing differently. <P>Well, I'd better stop now as I'm beginning to ramble.<P>Hang in there, Lor.<P>

Paha-- I very definitely did not work on the marriage Feb- Mar and Jan & parts of Apr are suspect...but a break was ok, what I did with the break was not, if I wanted the marriage to work.<P>Chris--thanks for the book title. However, I actually majored in Communication Disorders in college (Twuly, Chwis, I was a speech therapist for many years). I can make any communication not work... And Guard is a Psych major, which I minored in, to spend more time with him senior year . So we are educated for failure?<P>Sidney--we were separated the first time for 3 1/2 months, this time for 4, so far, something like 14 months total? Guard already has the nightmares about OM, except they were real...I'm nightmaring about the OW again, suddenly. Ick. But they were true before...I just don't think separation helps anything. If it did, we wouldn't have needed 7 of them.<P>Thanks people for your thoughts and caring.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10