I am just at a loss... I posted last night after I found out that my husband spent the better part of most evenings last week, while I was on a business trip, on the computer in porn rooms. He didn't clean up the files very well and so last night he called 3 times to talk to me, I had a family dinner to attend. I got the third call and had told myself to wait until he get's back from his business trip...he is on one himself. I literally got in from mine Friday night and took him back to the airport a couple hours later to leave for his. Anyway..I couldn't talk to him, he sensed this and wanted to know what was going on...so I told him what I found and that I just don't want to continue living like this. He won't make love to me, touch me, we are room mates at best with a common bank account, and he is getting his jollies chatting away with others on porn sites. The fact that he clears the history and tries to delete the files indicates the deception. We went through this years ago and I made myself perfectly understood that I consider this infidelity. So now we are "recovering" from his EA with someone at work and he has returned to his porn days (who knows he may never have really stopped) he said he has no answers for me and that he is sorry for going to the sites, I had to probe him for everything. I asked if he was planning on continuing...he said no. (what else could he say) so now this I am married to a man who for the past 9 months has had me in hell with respect to our relationship (only 4 of that did I know about the affair) and now this...<BR>I told him that I need to take some time off work. This is too much for me. I have a very stressful job and a 4 hour commute round trip. We could survive on his salary (he has a 25 minute commute) while I put parts of my life back together. He said that we had bills to pay... (we don't, only a house payment and his car payment and oh yeah I pay all the bills anyway) he is worried I think that he won't have all the toys, more concerned about the exteriors of our lives than what happens when the front door closes. <BR>The funny thing is is that I have lost a lot of weight and really feel good about myself physically as well as reconnecting with what I want out of life....I know I can live without him...I am just wondering if it is time to be thinking about going it alone...he just doesn't get it. that any time he goes outside the marriage to fulfill his needs (and I can honestly say that I have given it all I can to make our home safe, and loving for him) he is violating us.<BR>Any thoughts, guidance is appreciated. I am exhausted.

Hi cpickel,<P>I may have already suggested these to you before, if so, sorry for the duplication.<P>I found netaddiction.com useful.<P>There is also a onlinesexaddict.org site, I think you will find this one less useful but it will let you know that you are not alone.<P>I am sure you are exhausted, probably even when you sleep, you aren't rested.<BR>I thought I had a killer commute at an hour each way. You are working 12 hour days.<P>Take care, do what you need to do to help yourself, tell him if things get rough you can always sell the computer.<P>

Thanks Hanora<P>I actually work closer to 16 to 18 hour days. I usually put in 12 hour days while actually at work...the world of dot coms (don't get me started on the agreement he broke when he said that we would commute together, allowing us to use the commuter lanes)<P>I don't know if he has an addiction as so much no self control and an inability to understand what it is to ask someone to marry them, take vows and build a life in conjuction with someone else. You know the interesting thing about people who cheat on spouses, is that while 2 wrongs don't make a right. Who the heck do they think they are in being justified in this behavior. I am not a cheating person, never have been, never will be but you know my needs have not been met and I have had to do some pretty hard things these past months for the sake of this marriage, and for this I get to know that I can not only be replaced for his attention by co-workers (hence the EA) but for sex he has the computer. Meanwhile, I am dealing with my own lack of affection and companionship, alone. <P>I thank God and my Guardian Angel that has been working overtime these past months helping me re-realize that I can count of myself. And this is a good feeling.

Hi Cpickel,<P>Well I don't know if it is an addiction either. On the sexaddict...... site they do a fair amount of talking about co-dependency, something I was never entirely comfortable with. It was interesting to hear people, all men I think, who did feel they were addicted or had been, to porn speak. For the first time I could view it as an addiction rather than a choice. One other thing they talk about is setting boundaries. I think I decided what my limits were and the teen-agers exceeded them.<P>I do know your feeling of doing everything you can and not getting your needs met. I used to go to bed, wake up in the middle of the night and hear the tap, tap tap of the keyboard. The next day he would be too tired to do anything, or have a headache.<P>That sounds like a exhausting schedule you are maintaining. I hesitate to mention this because it might be taken as an excuse of his behaviour, please do not look at it in that light. Is there enough time in your lives for each other? Some people need more affection, conversation, just plain old company than others. Could this be a factor?<P>You alone can weigh the pros and cons of any action, I'm sure your decision will be the right one for you. I elected to stay with certain conditions. The whole thing was incredibly painful but we are now closer than we have been in years and probably more real with each other than ever. There might be light at the end of the tunnel.<P>Take care, I'll keep an eye out for your posts.<BR>