Any ideas on how to start the ball rolling with a husband who won't talk? He's listened to everything I've had to say...some angry, more recenty in a calm and loving manner more supportive of trying to repair our marriage. However there is NEVER a response! He says he'll go with me to counselling but what good will it do if he won't say anything? He doesn't admit, apologize, defend or make excuses...he's driving me NUTS because I'm very verbal. I've tried backing off. I stated my position a couple of weeks ago and have gone on with PLAN A as much as I can without trying to dredge things up. However, though things aren't necessarily getting worse, I heard him tell his uncle the other day that things were no worse and NO BETTER. Obviously there's work to do, but I can't do it all by myself and he is the type that will boycott anything he's forced or pressured into....even if he knows it's good for him. Does he just need more time to deal with the idea of having to work on the marriage? (Briefly..we're the couple from Inappropriate Friendship posted May 6...his possible affair/definite distance that he says is boredom.) I feel very frustrated because before I got pregnant I spoiled him, during the first 3 months of pregnancy i could do nothing for him or myself, and now that I can do more and am willing to face some of my shortcomings he isn't around enough to know whether I am becoming a better partner or not.<P>Advice?<P>Thanks<BR>

I wish I could help. I feel like Im in the same situation. I know how helpless it feels to not get any real feedback, it hurts and makes you want to do anything to make him talk (a counselor told us that silence is a way of communicating...there is power in not talking). My H is also the boycott type. I'll let you know if I make any progress how I was able to do it. Good luck<BR>Kris<P>(I had an "insight" earlier today but havent had a chance to work it yet. Im going to TRY to "pretend" my husband and I dont have a history of pain and treat him like a guy I really want to get to know better by being interested in him, getting excited he calls, flirt a little, let him know he's special, not acting desperate or sad (I need to change my log-on) and by being someone he WANTS to date. If I dont like what I see in him down the road, it wont hurt so bad if it ends.

Likewise here. H says he 'tried' for 4 yrs to let me know there were SERIOUS problems by 'hints'. He moved out 5 weeks ago, and is pushing for D. His line is -he wants to be friends, but will not do mc. Of course, he is in A with OW. So his talking is friendly first, then on to the 'stuff'. At that point, he says he resents me more each time I delay the D. <P>I told him he started, planned, and executed move without me, and he'd just have to do what he had to. However, I would not sign a lie like 'no-fault'.<P>I have tried also to do Plan A, St. Louis, approaching it very positively, and being excited to be talking with him, or e-mailing him. <P>He called today, I was on my way to rehearsal, but was glad I didn't have time to talk. ???????? Perhaps I fear tougher confrontation now. Is it time for Plan B?<BR>Do I keep trying Plan A? <P>I feel strongly about our marriage, but it seems all 'betrayed' feel that way. <P>Am praying for all of you out there. We all need God's strong hand of support. <P>Isaiah 40:31!!<P>Committed

Committed,<BR>I dont know either if its time for plan B, someone posted that God will let you know, my counselor said stay on my knees, thats good advise for any believer..I know I will give it all I can but have told God it has to be his strength because I cant love this man anymore on my own...the hurts he has put me through are pretty deep too. There are alway excuses as to why thing fail. I guess until we each recognize our shortcomings we will alway place blame on others. I noticed that the betrayeds do feel committed but the spouses seem to care less at the pain they inflict---it would drive me nuts if I dwelt on it. I have been having serious second thoughts over the last 24 hours and then H asked me to lunch when I called him for child support today. We went and had a nice time. I know God was loving him. I told H it bothered me and how sad I was that OW is rude and disrespectful toward her child and if they hook up, our child will suffer at her hand and he said "Not around me she wont treat our son bad...." H then said some negative things about her child rearing skills and her child...I reminded him shes having his child and will treat him/her the same way...he didnt say much to that. Good thing is..he said bad things about her...(????) While we were out she called and sounded irritated and asked why he asked her to call if he wasnt going to answer his phone (I heard his voice mail after our lunch was over...he doesnt know yet I have his password)....Maybe H lying to her now????? Hang in there Committed...mount up on those wings.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by emptyinside:<BR><B>Any ideas on how to start the ball rolling with a husband who won't talk? </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>If he's willing to go to counseling, that is a start. Sounds like he may be passive agressive, or just not comfortable with expressing his feelings. Counseling *could* help him learn better communication skills. The Men are from Mars book series could help you.<P>I was with a guy like this once. Gave up. He was the way he was, didn't want to change, and didn't see anything wrong with saying what he wanted to say and not commenting when he didn't want to. Nice guy, but how do you go anywhere when you don't have any clue how he feels about anything?<P>Good luck.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by emptyinside:<BR><B>Any ideas on how to start the ball rolling with a husband who won't talk? He's listened to everything I've had to say...some angry, more recenty in a calm and loving manner more supportive of trying to repair our marriage. However there is NEVER a response! He says he'll go with me to counselling but what good will it do if he won't say anything? He doesn't admit, apologize, defend or make excuses...he's driving me NUTS because I'm very verbal. I've tried backing off. I stated my position a couple of weeks ago and have gone on with PLAN A as much as I can without trying to dredge things up. However, though things aren't necessarily getting worse, I heard him tell his uncle the other day that things were no worse and NO BETTER. Obviously there's work to do, but I can't do it all by myself and he is the type that will boycott anything he's forced or pressured into....even if he knows it's good for him. Does he just need more time to deal with the idea of having to work on the marriage? (Briefly..we're the couple from Inappropriate Friendship posted May 6...his possible affair/definite distance that he says is boredom.) I feel very frustrated because before I got pregnant I spoiled him, during the first 3 months of pregnancy i could do nothing for him or myself, and now that I can do more and am willing to face some of my shortcomings he isn't around enough to know whether I am becoming a better partner or not.<P>Advice?<P>Thanks<BR> </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Dear emptyinside: This post is similar to galaxycla's post, all these men who won't talk. Mine is finally in counseling with me, I had to go alone for months, but he's resistant, and barely does the homework assignments. I'm praying for patience, and trying to be quiet in sessions (VERY HARD FOR ME TO SHUT UP) and let him talk. He's timid about expressing his feelings and it was a struggle to get to the point where he'd go into counseling. Worst thing, like I said, is to keep my mouth shut and not slam him when he talks and says something I disgree with. I wish I were more feminine, quiet, patient, kind, loving and forgiving. (Yes, I'll go the Forgiveness site.)<P>So, at this table, all the women whose husbands don't want to talk.<P>