What is the definition of love between a man and woman. Is it a feeling like the OW and my husband believe. My husband tells me he loves me like no other and that he wants to be with me--but his actions say otherwise. He says with her its some romantic notion of love with her;a fantasy not reality, and that if he were with her it would be just the same as with me. They both come from broken homes and describe love as a feeling--.I see love as a commitmment in good times and in bad. They view it as Romeo and Juliet--like they will die without each other. I think this is eros love versus agape love. It's been a year and a half. They say they try to stop seeing each other but just cant . It's as if they cant control themselves...I believe you choose who you love, and that real love is Christian love...a commitment---just like the bible says that if you love God--he will meet your needs.No person can meet your needs...love God and he will show you your love for your spouse. PLEASE ANY OTHER THOUGHTS OR BIBLE SCRIPTURE THAT CAN HELP ME UNDERSTAND...

Hi angelbabies,<BR>A couple things came to mind. I Corinthians 13, of course, and a way to read that is to subsitute your name for the word "love" at the beginning of the sentences. EX: angelbabies is patient and kind, AB is not jealous or boastful. And then when you find yourself going oh-oh...you've got what you need to work on. <P>I posted this on another thread, the Greek words for love, all of which belong in marriage and make for marriage:<P>epithumia--a strong desire of any kind<BR>eros--romantic, passionate, sentimental<BR>storge--old-shoe relationship with natural affection, sence of belonging<BR>phileo--cherishes, but expects a response<BR>agape--choice of will, no dependence on feeling<P>

I beleive that love is a feeling and that it is possible to love many people over the course of your life. However, you choose who you make a commitment to based on several factors, one of which is your feelings of love for him. I don't htink you can choos who you love. If that was true, it wouldn't matter who you picked. You could pick someone based on things like money and say "I will love him". But when it comes right down to it, maybe you can't love him. You may have decided you wanted to, But because of other factors in your personality and his, you just don't. And nothing short of changing who you are or who he is will change that. Maybe that change is acceptable to you (or him). But maybe it isn't. If feelings of love didn't factor into your equation when deciding to commit, you will probably regret that decision later.<P>However, since your H claims he loves you, I don't understand his attraction to the OW. In a situation like that it must be a needs fulfillment issue, rather than a love issue. At this point the affair for him has become an addiction. It is not from a feeling of love, but a feeling of need. <BR>

I think love has a lot to do with how another person makes you feel. There is all kinds of love, but being in love with someone is probably the most wonderful feeling in the world. That other person makes you feel good about yourself, about life, and gives you hope. You don't feel whole unless you are with that person, you want to share everything with them; good and bad. You listen to the one you love and you are honest with them. You want to touch the other person and let them touch you. You are content and happy just being in the same room with them doing nothing or painting the walls. You respect them and they respect you. You find the sound of their voice and their touch soothing and exciting at the same time. Love is like being five years old on Christmas morning. I think this is why it hurts and is so crippling when you still feel this way and the object of your love takes their love away. I always go by actions speak louder than words. They say the two biggest lies in the world are, "I love you, and the check is in the mail." <P>[<BR>

Pesonally I believe love is a choice you make. The emotions that are usually associated with love are nice to have but true love is a commitment to do what is best for the one you love.<P><BR>And for another point of view:<P>Love hurts, love scars, love wounds<BR>Almost, any heart<BR>Not tough or strong enough<BR>To take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain<BR>Love is like a cloud<BR>Holds a lot of rain<BR>Love hurts......ooh, ooh love hurts<P>I'm young, I know, but even so<BR>I know a thing or two<BR>And I learned from you<BR>I really learned a lot, really learned a lot<BR>Love is like a flame<BR>It burns you when it's hot<BR>Love hurts......ooh, ooh love hurts<P>Some fools think of happiness<BR>Blissfulness, togetherness<BR>Some fools fool themselves I guess<BR>They're not foolin' me<P>** I know it isn't true, I know it isn't true<BR>Love is just a lie<BR>Made to make you blue<BR>Love hurts......ooh, ooh love hurts<BR>Ooh, ooh love hurts<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>...true love is a commitment to do what is best for the one you love.<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Do you see the 'which came first' dilemma in your statement? You must already have some feelings of love for someone before deciding to make such a commitment. The commitment is the decision. The love is the feelings from which the decision to commit arises. Once the decision to commit has been made, sustaining those feelings of love can be a real challenge. Working to sustain those feelings is a decision. But the love itself, that is a feeling.

My thoughts on love may be different from some. I'm not really religious, so I can't speak from that realm.<P>There are different kinds of love. The love that most of us start with I liken to lust plus. It is that quesy feeling in the pit of your stomach. Or as Scrooge put it "a bit of undigested beef." It is nice, it is fun, but to build a life on? I doubt it. These feelings fade as you get used to the other person. The sex becomes routine. Those things that you were willing to overlook at one time become real irritants.<P>This part of love is the drug. Drugs, when you first start, are fun, too. No one (at least no one I am aware of) starts drugs saying "I am going to become addicted to heroin." You start out having fun. And then it spirals out of control.<P>For lack of a better word, "mature" love is much different. I saw somewhere on this board that love is (paraphrasing here) when your happiness is dependent on their happiness. I don't know if I would go that far, but I would go close to that.<P>My love for my wife means that I will do just about anything to help her in her journey. I signed on for the long haul. It didn't start out that way. Probably wasn't that way when we got married. But when our son was born, I made a committment to her and our son and the rest of our families that I would do better than my dad did. That I would be there. That no matter what, she and our family was the most important thing in my life. Everything I do, I try to keep this in the forefront.<P>That is why, even though she left, and has done truckloads of s***ty things, I still love her and want her and I to make a life together.<P>This love is based, for me, much more on committment and shared sacrifices and building a life than that "bit of undigested beef." There are a lot of times where I don't feel that. In fact, it has been years. But, for me, it is worth it.<P>That's my two cents

Love is something I really don't believe in anymore.<BR>

Check out <B>THE MARRIAGE BUILDERS NEWSLETTER... issue June, 1999</B>... ===> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi050_sample.html" TARGET=_blank>Article 5. Q&A - What Is Love?</A><P>excerpt... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>As you can see, we use the word "love" in these two different ways. On the one hand, love can mean the commitment to care for someone, being there for that person whenever needed. On the other hand, it can mean a feeling of passion for someone -- being "in love."<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P> <P>Jim

... true love is a commitment to do what is best for the one you *intend* love.<P>Truthseeker, does that make it any clearer. I was expressing an opinion, debating symantics does not alter the implied meaning of the phrase.<P>I come home from work after having to stay about an hour late trying to fix someone elses emergancy. I'm tired and my brain is numb and all I want is a cold beer and a little peace. When I get home, my wife is obviously frazzeled, trying to talk to her mother on the phone, repeatedly asking our daughter to be quite and generally juggling too many things at once when she should be unwinding after her own stressful day at work. <P>So I pick up my daughter, carry her outside and get her to help me with the flower beds for bit. When she is distracted and playing in the yard, I go in to check on my wife. I get her a large glass of ice water and hand it to her while she still trys to deal with her mother. After a pat on the back and a kiss on the forehead I go back out to keep an eye on D.<P>There is no warm and fuzzy feeling here. I would much rather W told her mother goodbye and pay some attention to me. Or for D to just be still and watch TV or something. But my W needs my help and my D is just being a happy 6 yo kid. So I do these things out of love. I expect no payback. I simply do what is necessary for my families well being.<P>That is love.

FALLING IN LOVE is out of your control, and involves the feelings you have about yourself due to the actions of someone else. <P> LOVING somebody is the decision to return that awesome feeling to your partner.(respect, admiration, kindness, honesty, etc.) <BR> <BR>MARRIAGE is the decision (The promise!) to continue loving your partner for his/her entire life, no matter what. Even if that means "going through the motions" occasionally because the feeling to do it naturally isn't there anymore. <BR> <BR>Hey everyone, that is why marriage is SUCH a big huge risky step... you have to promise to act a certain way based on what you feel NOW (not knowing how you might feel in 10 years..). It's not necessarily a promise to BE IN LOVE with the other person for the rest of his life, but to ACT like you love them, which to me, is actually loving them. No matter what trials come your way, no matter if the person seems to change, no matter if later you meet somebody else who seems so right for you now, you make a promise to act in a loving way to the person you chose to marry. Because you made them that promise. That's my take on love.<p>[This message has been edited by kancan (edited May 09, 2000).]

Maybe it doesn't matter whether love is a decision or a feeling or anything else people have described it to be as long as both parties in a relationship share the same definition. So when one says "I love you", the other knows exactly the meaning that is intended.

True. True.<P>I don't think many of us will have the same definition, anyway. What matters is how you apply it to your spouse.

Love means something different to everyone. For me it's a feeling of security, warmth, hope, trust, happiness in it's purest form. <BR>It makes me sad to hear that you don't believe in love anymore. Love can be wonderful. <P>------------------<BR>You can't live with them, you can't kill them!<BR>Viki

There is an interesting description of the difference between "in-love" and "mature love" from a pyschological POV in "The Road Less Travelled"...I'd try to sum it up here, but my braincells are about on empty right now...<P>The book is available at most libraries, and is quite interesting...

I think love is a verb.... <P>It is an ACTION. It is also a command.<P>What about all those people in other cultures and times where their marriage partner was arranged early on in life? Adam and Eve.... for instance, they didn't have anyone to choose - they were commanded to be fruitful and multiply, and God instituted their marriage. <P>I think love is something you do, and the feelings that come or don't come along have to do with what the other person is actively doing to demonstrate love. When you feel loved, it is because they are busy loving you. When they feel loved, is when you are busy loving them.<P>But, commitment isn't the same thing as love, but it is what you do and continue to do because of a decision you made to be married - and if you base commitment on your feelings, there is no such thing as commitment. <P>I think we need to guard against not feeling loved and not staying committed. I would be divorced more than Zsa Zsa Gabor if I stay married when I felt loved.<P>All those people that had happy successful marriages - that were arranged by their parents, proves to me that love isn't always just a choice. It is something that develops and can strengthen over time.

Thanks for all the replys--would like more feedback...Truthseeker hit home when the addiction word came up. We've been to 4 counselors and they all say he is addicted to feeling--high--all want him to do in house treatment for 30 days.One said the Meadows--another Sierra Tuscan. Has anoyne heard about the Marke Lasser Faithful and True one in Minneapolis? Isn't there also one in Texas?? I've tried Plan A and Plan B. So has the OW...he pursues us both relentlessly,lying to both of us. He says he wants us both and does'nt want to lose either of us. Says its like a drug---he feels powerless. I think we're all powerless without God.

To those who say love is a feeling----my counselor says never trust your feelings--feelings lie...Dr. Frank Pittman<BR>Because of childhood issues and unmet needs---some people use other people to FEEL good about themselves---my H says he does with this OW, and that with me he can really be himself. <P>So to those of you who think love is a feeling than I guess you cant trust love.<BR>

My counselor says that your head and your heart should agree. It's true that you can't trust your feelings alone. Nor should you deny them (this doesn't mean you should always act on them, but acknowledge them and work with them). What has to happen is sort of a POJA within yourself to reconcile the thinking part of yourself with the feeling part of yourself. You need to know wehre your feelings are coming from and why. Once you have that understanding you know whether you can trust your feelings. If your head is in agreement with your heart, you are on the right track.<p>[This message has been edited by TruthSeeker (edited May 09, 2000).]

AngelBabies, you say it's been a year and a half and your H won't chose, maybe it is time for you and OW to make the choice yourself. Have you spoken to Harley? Maybe it is time for a Plan B? He is telling you both that he wants both, as long as he has both then you have been making it okay to have both for over a year. I think it is time to make your own happiness.