I also posted on the pregnancy/child board, sorry its so long.<BR>My H has not ended his PA/EA with the pregnant OW. When we get together, he either avoids eye contact or gives me tons of attention. He has not made a real committment to staying married even though when he "confessed" to the affair April 2, he told me he would do what ever it took to keep me...so far its in words only. We both feel to divorce now would only lead to regrets but I feel like he is keeping me so she cant pressure him for marriage. I am dying inside. H has a whole new group of friends (all single or divorced) (most Ive never met) and has told me OW knows most of them. He wont take me out w/friends and when we do something, its alway with our child and usually at our home. We did meet some friends Friday night at an outdoor event and I know they have met OW too. I am in plan A and by Gods grace will stay in it but the pain and uncertainty is turmoilic (is that a word?). Is it worth it?? I know I contributed heavily to the break down of our marriage but he did his share too. He never consulted me as to his plans, took up a drag racing hobby (major time consumption/most weekends 7+ months a year) in the first year of our marriage without asking for my input, had convinced me he was a believer (I was a baby christian) when we married (we had dated a few years before I got saved) (now he says hes just not a strong christian and doesnt want to go to church or hang with other christians but I can deal with that, had an EA 3 years ago and began lying to me heavily from that point. (she got pregnant by someone else) Would stay away from home most nights almost from the beginning of our marriage, came home 11 pm or later (2/3am) many nights while working on racecar or just because he didnt want to be with me. Seldom would call me at work, told me to go back to work full time when I was 6 months pregnant so I could "pull my own weight" (I was working 30+hrs a week the previous 3 years of marriage while going to school 2+classes a semester). Went out of town racing the first 3 weekends after our son was born and really had not been nice to me most of our marriage. Since we have been married, he regreted it and its been obvious to all who see us. He prefers everyone and everything else to me. I know if he would put a real effort into it, we could have a great marriage, because I remember what our dating was like when he wanted to be with me and now that I know what I did wrong...it could be all we ever hoped for, I just dont know if I want to get past the OW-ONLY because she is pregnant and he is not breaking it off. I cant do this!!!!!!! I just needed to vent. The emotional rollercoaster is eating me up. I told God I cant love this man, He has to if anyone is going to and so far He is. I think my plan A will go through May (ive asked him to move home for a 60 day trial...he said he'd let me know this weekend...Im not expecting anything) My next request will to be going on a Retrouville weekend (even though the PA/EA is still on...its in early June...if thats a no go...I think plan B and a legal separtion (I need to protect me and my child right now)....(I had already filed for divorce before the affair was confirmed). In Missouri, after 3 months of being legally separtated, a divorce can occur...by then the OC will be close to birth. If we arent in this together by then, I think "the fat lady will sing". Thanks for allowing me to let off steam, I feel better already. (I talked to H a few minutes ago...while I was on hold for him, his mom picked up (family business), when I asked, she told me OW was at his work last night....auuuuggggghhhhh. I was loving when H & I talked but my gut is in turmoil. <BR>Kris

SISL, I am sorry that you are having to deal with this pain. I don't have any advice for you, and honestly when I read how horribly your H has treated you, my first thought was, why do you want this BOY back. But, believe me, I know we can't help who we love. First thing is to take care of YOU and your child. When I get so low, I took the advice of one of the WISEST people here..SHEBA! I started doing the things that H complained about BUT FIRST I did something for myself that would make ME feel better. I joined a gym, started taking better care of my body and appearance, don't get me wrong, I am a beautiful woman, but there were changes that I knew that I should be making but never bothered too. I am now doing those changes. I am learning how to make myself happy. I am still searching for the answers on how to make myself happy but I do have a starting base. Sorry, I couldn't be of more help, but I didn't want you to think no one heard/read your post and didn't understand. I wanted to ask you, if he says what his intentions are as far as you and OW. He says he plans on winning you back, but when and how? Why is he with OW if he wants to be married? Have you and OW ever had contact?

T24G,<BR>Thanks for the comforting words. I began feeling much better after I took a walk at lunch. I want to try at my marriage because I know I dumped on H pretty bad more often than not by my major LBs..angry words, disrespect, etc... I was always home for him and was willing to listen (but I'd blow when I didnt like what I heard...Im rebuilding that now and am changing from the inside!!! !!!! finally. Anyway, procrastination is an art to H. H has given me no idea on his "plans" to rebuild. OW (I should say girl, she is only 21 and verrrrrryyyyy immature and not too bright) and I met at a birthday party when I was 7 mo (7/99) pregnant. I was immediately uncomfortable with her but wasnt sure why. She and her parents were long time customers at his auto repair shop..Within a few weeks of my meeting her, she was at the racetrack (hobby of H) almost every weekend at H and H's fathers invitation. (I was always there too) I was upset and told H how uncomfortable I was but he said she was just a friend, no big deal-I told him then he was playing with fire. She also was at his shop almost everytime I stopped in. I had a real hard time being nice to her because I could see something coming but she always was over bubbly when she saw me. H was seeing me as a mean b***h to her too. I believe the EA was just getting started at that time..well after my baby came 9/99, she became his new "deal"...Im sick about it. She even went to his GMothers funeral 2/99 (knowing she may be pregnant) and I was in shock (I wasnt sure about the PA but knew about the EA and he had told me she wasnt part of his live anymore (lies). To make a short question long...yes I know her. I really wish I knew what goes on in his mind. Oh Well, He said he MAY come over to work out tonight...if he does...no LB from me!!! <BR>Kris

Dear Sad: I hear your pain in your words. You are trying hard to make up for whatever hurt you feel you may have caused him. I know how you feel. I am trying to do the same by walking on eggshells. However, we do have our dignity to preserve. You can't spend the rest of your life kissing his rear. You have recognized your errors and working on revamping yourself. Spouse also needs to recognize this as well. OW or not, he needs to make a decision if he is willing to work on your marriage or move on. Yes, it's hard to focus when you have encountered the worst of each other, but you have also encountered the best and that is where the focus should start. I am in a situation where I am trying to rebuild my marriage after almost destroying it by my actions, however, my spouse also contributed to the destruction. I am not trying to revisit the crime scene, but look at what we did wrong and try to rectify and rebuild our relationship. It long way home, but with faith and hope, we will get there. I am sending you my prayers and hugs to you. Take care of yourself.

Sobeit, You are right, I have been trying to make up for my mistakes-I finally have seen them. A friend told me today that I need not keep kicking myself, I have repented and I know God tells us to forget the past, look forward and to run the race he sets before us (poor paraphrase). I need to focus on the future and hope & pray H goes with me. Thank you. Im glad to hear you are moving forward in your "race" with H. My prayers are also being sent to you.<BR>Kris