Mostly it was just to update him and get some ideas.I probably won't tell this exactly right. I wish I could tape it and listen to it again. He said that yes, what I am doing in plan A is selfish, in order to make H happy to ulimatly make me happy. So I am really doing it for myself. But that makes it hard with H accussation of everything being for me, as in a way it is.<BR> <BR> I talked about trying to do things on my own to stop moopping around the house, but Steve cautioned me not to go out and have fun without H when he is off. That I should make more suggestions for fun things to do and try and get H involved and do something together, and if he won't then to stay home. <BR>This is what happened last weekend, I asked if H wanted to do something and he said, what do you want to do? I did'nt want to say something and have him drag along unhappily, so I said is there something you want to do and he said no. So we stayed home and did house chores. I have made a list of things he has enjoyed in the past and will try it next time, but its like he resists anything that may be fun for us so he can keep up his unhappy attitude around me. Apparently he can only have fun with OW. <BR> So anyone with any suggestions on how to drag his butt out of the house and make him have some fun? What has worked for you all in the past? Or should I not be forcing him?<P> He also wants me to ask H to call him again. I have asked him before and got no response so I am not really looking forward to asking again, but I will try. I just don't know how to make him want to call. <BR>Lora<p>[This message has been edited by Lora (edited May 09, 2000).]

<BR>I have the same problem. W considers anything involving me to be a drag. She even got all excited when she found out that my son's senior party will be an all-night thing and made plans to go as a chaperone. When I mentioned that I'd like to go too, she really got upset and tried to talk me out of it. If it weren't so sad it'd be funny.<P>I try to get her to do things that I know she enjoys but she will only let herself enjoy them if I'm not there.<P>I'm looking for the same suggestions you are, Lora.<P><BR>Slightly Sane<BR>

I guess I've been pretty lucky in that when we've been separated my H has accepted my invitations. Things that he said yes to:<P>1) Most anything that involves the kids. The first "date" after the first separation was ice cream after Parent-Teacher Conferences. As long as OP isn't at kids' events/functions, it can be a good time to connect as parents and reminisce with some good times. And leads pretty naturally to being together afterwards out somewhere or invite home, although if you aren't dealing with separation, going home can be more of a separation than anything... <BR>2) Camping--I made the plans to go alone with the kids, would have gone without him, but I did worry "out loud" about setting up the tent myself. And cutting firewood (don't let me near sharp objects, 'cuz I look like I'm going to hurt myself, even if I usually miss).<BR>3) Comedy Club<BR>4) Invite out for coffee or a beer, not quite as time intensive as a meal (be on best behavior, no relationship talk. I used to save up anecdotes to tell him to make him laugh.). If spouse won't go out, but will come to house, I've offered a beer/drink on the deck and we put our feet up and talk.<P>Plan A is tough, just be alert for any route to opening communication or touch--but don't look like you're hunting them down. (Lately I've had 2 people tell me I remind them of a lioness)<P>You can't force the spouse to do anything. Depending how long you've been doing this, Lora, I wonder a bit at staying home if he won't go...I really think avoiding looking needy and/or clingy is a good thing, even while you make SURE they know you love them. I think in the heaviest parts of his affair, my H really didn't care if I ever left the house, but my staying home except for kids' stuff & work annoyed him, maybe some guilt? But then, we've never gotten to the point of POJA, so I could be way off.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Comedy club is great idea, but make sure you check out the comedian's basic material before going. We went to a rather interesting one right after discovery. It will be a memory for a lifetime. lol. <P>Let's just say we ended up going to an ethnic oriented comedy club when we weren't the ethnic group the club was oriented too. We stood out pretty easily, and my husband is not one for standing out. Boy, I'll never live that one down. It was an experience. <P>Other ideas...<P>Amusement parks, sporting events, camping trips. Anything interactive. At first it was easier to talk him into activities that we didn't have to talk much with. Movies, comedy clubs etc... Then we started going to the more interactive stuff, but with other people. I'd steal moments to be alone with him, and show him it was safe. Finally we bridged into alone interactive activities. <P>How about board games? You don't need to leave the house for that. If he's a gardner work on a garden together. Start a hobby you both can take part in. My husband collects baseball cards so we went to conventions, and then I helped him with the sorting of the cards and stuff. Build a model car, or plane together, paint a christmas ceramic village together. <P>That should get you started on brainstorming.