Hi! I posted in "In Recovery" but noone replied. I need help. My husband and I are back together and have been for the past 3 weeks. We had an unhappy marriage before and there were alot of issues about trust and jealousy and infidelity. Our fighting cumulated in his leaving home after I found a phone no. that just happpened to be his secy's. home no. Anyway, he said they were just "friends" and had drinks once and nothing happened. We were separated for 1 month during which time we kept close contact and saw him at least once on the weekends. He always said that he was not seeing anyone and that he just needed time to think things out. We both did alot of thinking and I was willing to change my attitude and ways for the betterment of our marriage. Well he came over at Easter and asked for forgiveness and said he wanted to come home to me and our little boy. Of course I welcomed him home and we have been going great. Well, yesterday I got an itemization bill for his toll road charges ( he has an electronic device that records and bill him for all toll road booths he goes thru). According to this bill, he used the toll road and exited her exact street on at least 3 occastions and they were all at night and on the weekend. I remember one exact night that he told me he was going home from a friend of our's party and he told me this as he was driving to her house. I saw the proof in writing. He exited her street at 8:44 p.m. and entered the toll road again at 12:23 a.m. Obviously he had more than just a friendship with her to be at her apt. for 4 hours. I don't have proof that he was actually at her place but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out. Mind you, this did take place while we were separated. I do not think that he is seeing her now. I have even talked to her before and asked her if they were having an affair and she said no-they were just friends. I know they were not having an affair before he left b/c she just started working there 1 week before. <P>My question is this: Do I let this go? Do I ask him about it? FYI Accusations, assumptions, and jealousy are major LB's for him. I do not want to rock the boat. We are doing so well. I just can't seem to forget these things, I feel hurt all over again because I can see now that he wasn't honest with me. We are trying to meet each other's needs now, which probably had alot to do with the trouble our marriage has been in, and we have fun and are intimate with each other again. <P>Any advice would be appreciated.<P>Thanks, Cindy

Holding on,<P>It's a fragile time for you, but I'd encourage you to discuss it now with him. Without lovebusting, without accusations. If he told you a story to cover for his actions, just let him know that finding this information out after the fact hurts you. That some of this pain could be dealt with by him being "completely honest", and you want to encourage this from him by not punishing him for this honesty.<P>And then I'd drop it.<P>

Talk to him about it by gently showing him the bill and telling him this upsets you because it looks like he spent 4 hours with her. Then ask him if he can understand how you feel. Don't call him a liar or a sneak, and don't let him provoke you into a fight.<BR>In the end you have to decide if you want to hold this against him or let it go. I understand that backsliding is not uncommon when recovering from affairs.<P>good luck

K,<P>I would love to do what you said and discuss it with him. I'm just scared that he would get upset with me for snooping. Ironically, <BR>I haven't been doing that and I used to be the absolute best at snooping. I really was not snooping when I noticed those charges and the times, it was only when I saw her street name that I took a closer look at it. I had no idea that something like that would give me the info. that it did. <P>I really want to talk about it, but I am afraid that it could turn into a LoveBuster fest. You were right about me being fragile right now. This is so hard to deal with. The bad thing is that we are doing so great together despite the fact that he was laid off from his job about a week ago. He obviously in not in daily contact with her personally anymore. He is under great pressure and a think a little depression. I'm really confused as to whether this is the right time to open up this can of worms. It's almost as if I have answered my own question. Maybe I should wait or maybe I should just swallow this huge elephant pill and keep this to myself. I'm so confused.<BR>Thank you for answering me.<P>Cindy

Kenneth,<P>Last night he walked into the kitchen and saw me reading the bill. He asked "whatcha reading" . I replied "Oh I just noticed that you have a credit on your bill" He said "oh, well". He seemed very attentive to me for the rest of the evening, so I think that he must have realized what was wrong. I feel that maybe I missed my chance to discuss it with him calmly. To bring it up now would only make me seem like the same nagging, suspicious , accusing wife I was before. I promised to change because I know that I had a problem with this in the past. (Obviously there was a reason for those suspicions) I'm not sure how to handle this. I feel I may lose my own self-control and those emotions will come back full-force. I want to do it gently, but I'm afraid it may blow up in my face. You are probably right, I do need to either decide to let this go or let it create further conflict. I do feel that the impact this confrontation would have would be negative. I pray that God will give me the answer. He has been faithful to provide for everything else in my life. Thanks for your input.<P>God Bless!<P>Cindy

Suggestion: Wait until the bill comes to the house NEXT month, then check it carefully. Meanwhile, keep a daily log of his comings and goings, phone calls where he tells you he is going somewhere and where he says he is going, to shore up your memory. Compare the log to the bill. If you make a big deal of it now, he will be aware that you are checking it and may cover his tracks. Don't dry up your information source! <BR>Just be sweet and quiet for another month, and it may be good news when you see the next bill.<P>P.S. You might be surprised to the lengths some people's definitions of "friends" can stretch! They may not even know the "friends" birthday, last name, favorite food or allergy, whether they like cats or dogs, but within 20 minutes can be sharing DNA.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Bellevue (edited May 11, 2000).]

I replied to your post in 'In recovery'

Thanks you guys for responding. I think I may do what you suggested Bellevue and try to intercept next months bill. I do have hope that whatever they had is over. Before he couldn't even hug me hardly much less have sex with me and now we are doing great in that dept. I know his feelings have changed. <P> I think I should wait, but not dismiss this info. I think it's great Monen and thenewbie that you guys are doing this site together. I wish my H & I could do that. Don't think that will ever happen. <P>Tracking my H down is very hard - He's everywhere and always has a cell phone stuck to his ear. I am really scared to snoop on his cell phone, that has caused some major LB fights in the past. Hopefully I can work this out without doing too much damage to myself or my marriage. Sometimes I get irritated with myself for turning the other cheek. I don't want to let him get away with future infidelities but I am not sure how to handle this situation because it's in the past. I have got tons to think about.<P>Thanks again,<P>Cindy

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Holding On:<BR><B>Tracking my H down is very hard - He's everywhere and always has a cell phone stuck to his ear. I am really scared to snoop on his cell phone... </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I am really surprised at how so many people seem to have such disconnected lives when it comes to separate credit cards, separate cell phone lines and stuff like that. And why would it be considered "snooping" if you looked at it? I think that is the responsible thing to do to make sure the charges are correct. You're MARRIED. you are "supposed to" share that kind of stuff. It is as much your information as it is his. If you wanted to purchase a washer and dryer, doesn't he have the right to know? Isn't it both of your money? And if he wants to spring for a hotel room, isn't it your money and right to know?<P>Even having access to that information won't guarantee that you will have proof of anything (like in my case because I was too trusting to even examine it), but I think your finances should be known to both of you. You're married!<P>One more comment on that too. For you Wives out there, you need to know what is spent on what and what assets you have. What happens if the H runs off with the OW or your marriage dissolves for other reasons? You need to know what assets you have to get your fair share. Not trying to be negative. Just think it is in your best interest to know. don't see any reason for secrecy in a marriage.

I believe popeye is right on two points:<BR>1. You are supposed to be married - one person, no longer two. My wife had a sep. email account just for emailing ex-boyfriend (eventually slept with him) and she went ballistic when I asked for the password. On and on about how it was her privacy (in a marriage where she and I have a conversation while the one of us is on the toilet)! I should have known something was amiss but I was either blind or disinterested at that point. But that aside - if your spouse doesn't freely give you information then there is some reason why he/she isn't giving information freely.<P>2. You need to look at the finances and assets - when my wife and I were going to split she would have had to get on gov't aide to survive. You need to protect yourself at some point and think about how you are going to function as a single person again (if it gets this far - it may not in your case but others may).

Cindy,<BR>I have been thinking a lot about you and wondering how everything is going. I am so sorry to hear that it is not going so smoothly at the moment. I have been praying for your family still and will continue to. <BR>I feel so helpless because I don't have any advice for you right now. But, know that YOU are NOT in the wrong for looking at receipts, phone bills, etc. Don't you dare let yourself feel guilty, okay? I don't know what you should do about confronting him. Others had better advice than I feel qualified to give at this time in my life. I know that you trust God, and so I would just encourage you to keep doing that. I finally found out the truth... not by anything having to do with my husband, or even me, but because God's hand is in my life. He will never leave you, never forsake you. Even when everyone else does. Hold on to that, okay? <BR>Let us know how things are going. I will be praying and wondering about you and your son. <BR>DI

Cindy,<BR>I too am sorry that you are having a rough time right now. I agree with Dead Inside, don't feel guilty for looking at the bills, etc. You were not unfaithful, he was. There is a post somewhere on this forum about things a betrayer should be doing to restore trust in his/her betrayed spouse. I will try to find it and bring it to the top for you. <P>God bless you Cindy, and please don't give up. I will be praying for you and your husband while I drive home tonight. <P>Love and prayers,<BR>AW

Here's the thread I mentioned: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/000473.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/000473.html</A> <P>Start reading down aways on the first message where it says "What He Must Do".<P>I printed this out and gave it to my H. It made a bit of an impression upon him.<P>