I showed H the letter today and he flipped! Said he wasn't going to mention OW at all to hisparents and now he would have to go into why I "drove" him away...He doesn't understand that the letter reflects "my" truth, not his...He siad he was going to tell them that we are simply "struggling" !?!? He has been having an E/A for over a year, told me the marriage is over and yet he was planning on telling his parents that we are struggling. I think he is in serious denial and I know from reading the posts that I should not expect him to think or act rationally. I am feeling much better now that I have taken steps towards ending this charade. I have not yet told him that I am past hoping that this marriage can be saved... partially because I wonder if I am simply trying to "protect" myself in case he decides to file. The truth is we seem so unable to communicate to each other. He says he wants to try to be friends again but I find it virtually IMPOSSIBLE to feel friendly towards him knowing that he is in contact with her almost every day and night... From reading the posts ofothers who Plan A'd and succeeded in getting their marriage back on track, god bless you! I don't think I have the strength to put up with this any longer...Am I missing a gene or something? How do you truly forgive and feel loving while the relationship w/ OW continues with no hope of ending as far as H is concerned? I know I've written here a lot lately and I must sound like a loony going back & forth, but, I know that I was responsible for much of the distance and pain that caused us to get to this place. He wants & needs casual conversation from me but I am not feeling in the chit chat mood... ever! I belive we need to talk about the heavy issues and I know that is a major LB but I seem unable to ignore my needs. Again, am I emotionally dense?

Hannah,<P>This is just so weird. Today I admitted to my H that I told his mother about OW. I was terrified he would find out from her, and that would be worse. He looked like I punched him in the stomach when I told him. He had to literally catch his breath.<P>You know, I'm really not sorry I told her. I'm tired of him being accountable to no one. He was just going to skate through this telling people that he left because of "marriage problems" too. Well, um...excuse me, but theres a little bit more to the story than he wants out. His reputation is very important to him and maybe I was wrong, but I get to be a jerk sometimes too.<P>If you're missing a gene, count me in. I have so much admiration for those who can Plan A through all this. I always knew I'd be a better Plan B person than Plan A person. My H and I know each other too well for me to turn in to Miss Merry Sunshine. I don't mean this as a put down for you great Plan A'ers out there, but I tried it, and he knew I was acting. I'm not nasty and mean, I don't LB, I refuse to have a bad relationshipo with him, but I will not close my eyes to reality either.<P>I guess that I'm lucky that H will talk about the heavy issues with me. We do have good communication (when he's being honest). Sometimes a little light conversation would be a blessing though. It's hard to wait and see what the future will bring, and at this moment...I am not breaking down, I am feeling strong. Hope it lasts.<P>Here I've rambled on about me again. Sorry to do that, but we are in similar situations. <P>One step at a time Hannah, and freindship with your H is not a bad place to start. Sounds like a building block to me.<P>allison

Thanks aaz allison, I appreicate your reply. I am glad your H is able to talk to you about the heavier issues. Mine was for about 2 weeks until he went to visit OW.<P>So.... I guess I have made my decision based on what my life has been like for the past 6-9 mos... Perhaps we will become friends again but I need to get out of the situation.<P>I'm sure I'll be back on this board for awhile.. Even if we are getting a divorce, it won't happen overnight! Until then, I will try my best and pray to remain calm and forgiving...

Hannah,<P>I hope you look back here to see this, not that it's that profound or anything, just that we seem to be in the same boat as so many here are.<P>Do you think you'd find the relief you are looking for if your H left? I know it is not a popular opinion in MB, but since I made H leave our home on Sunday I have felt so much precious RELIEF.<P>I do love this man. It is killing me and our kids to have him walk out of here and take more and more of his things each time. It is killing us to see him at our D's games and have him leave in the other direction.<P>But I have to say, this overwhelming sadness is soooo much better than wondering where he is. I don't have to look in his pockets when he comes home anymore. I don't have to smell his shirts before I wash them for a trace of perfume. I don't have to see if there are any reciepts in his wallet that are unexplainable. Because now I know, and I can deal with truth.<P>I am sad, I am broken hearted...but, why would I think I can control his actions if he's living here? I could'nt. He cheated for over two years right under my nose. At least for the first year and a half I was pretty clueless about it all. We have no power to control their actions Hannah. But I have to say, I made him leave this house and it felt good to control that.<P>allison

I think I do understand your feelings and I hope you are able to reconcile. I am not leaving our home, nor would I ask him to leave either. Fortunately, our home is large enough to accommodate both of us until I decide when I am going to leave but I won't do that until I have seen a professional for advice! I am at my siters now but I am returning home tonight and H is picking me up at the airport. I would have preferred not to depend on him but the cab service was unavailable for this week-end (I live in a really small town!) <P>Tomorrow, he'll be gone for a few days to visit IL's... I do look forward to him not being around.....<P>Anyway, thanks for replying and I am also feeling better now that I am deciding what I need as opposed to what he needs. I am sad too but I know it will pass.