Hello to my friends<P>My H had a 3 month affair which I found out about 14 months ago. After discovery We were intimate on a few occasions but I usually ended up crying, wondering weither he wished she was with her or me (She was twenty and my h was 39) I am 36. Since then my h says he has lost his sex drive and I have lost mine too, even though I didn't have a good one to begin with.<P>I just worry about this so much cos there wasn't much wrong with his sex drive when he was with her.<P>Does this happen usually or am I on my own?<P>Gabrielle

Gabrielle:<P>I don't think you're alone in this one, but I don't think you should just let it be either.<P>I'd be willing to bet that guilt was playing a part in his loss of libido, and I can well understand your feelings. (Been there; done that; got the weight loss to prove it!)<P>Could you perhaps start small and work up to major intimacy? How is it being affectionate with him--perhaps you could work from there?<P>Good luck to you--I hope that you find what you need!<P>Anybody else have any ideas? --HBC

Hurt But Coping<P>Thank you for your reply.<P>This is a hard one to grasp, maybe he is feeling guilt, He is being really good to me in so far as, he is telling me where he is etc, i just wonder does he still have feelings for her or what? Considering he told me had he been much longe with her he would have been in love with her. (you can read my previous posts on Is forgiveness possible). we get along fine, the trouble is we are just like good friends and i wonder will it ever get any better.<P>It bugs me that I have to be the one to change when he is the one who had committed adultry, can you understand this?<P>I have had a lot of help on this board from dear friends like PLEASE HELP AND LOSTVA. READ THEIR POSTS, THEY REALLY HELP.<P>Love to you<P>Gabrielle

Gabrielle:<P>I can really understand what you mean about being upset about having to be the one to change when he is the one who has been doing the wrong thing. I'm with you there! Problem is, I'm the only one that I can change. I can ask him to change, but I'm the only one that I truly have any control over--and that's pushing it.<P>I've been re-reading Dr. Harley's books recently, trying to get a road map to where I want to be with my H. I also listened to the "jump start" tape of His Needs, Her Needs. In that Dr. Harley mentioned that there are times when it is hard to show your spouse sexual attention if you are having other difficulties in your marriage. I can understand that.<P>I don't know how many people are having to deal with this issue, but I know I've seen it mentioned several times on this board and on "Just Found Out." <P>I don't know whether he is still thinking about OW. One thing I would suggest would be to not let YOURSELF think about her. You can force yourself to think of other things, though I know it isn't easy. And again I'd suggest starting with small intimate gestures and looking for success and happiness with those and not pinning everything on the actual act. <P>Where is everyone else on this one? What are other folks' experiences???<P>Good luck, Gabrielle. You can make it--it sounds as though things are going well otherwise. You have identified an issue and you can make it better! --HBC