What I don't understand is why we keep trying to win back our betrayed spouses love and consideration. Why? What makes them worth it. God is on our side, we can divorce and remarry with his blessing. We can walk away from the pain and humiliation, but we stay. I need someone to tell me why.

the only thing that barely keeps me going is my very young children. barely. i promised them, before they were born, that i would never leave their daddy, no matter what. one day i know, though, they will look at me, and ask, "why in the world would you put up with him, mom?"<BR>(or not, his older daughter absolutely worships him, but probably BECAUSE he was almost never around her...)

I too stay for the kids. I left my first family for this woman 14 years ago. I swore to myself that I would do better this time.<P>Most of the time I don't know why I keep going. She ran out on the family. Never really got an explanation. Not even the OM. She is just using him because she can't afford her own place (at least that is what she says).<P>Meanwhile, I have the kids. They are happy for the most part. She has not been a big part of their life for the last year. Just "auntie mommy". I have a woman that I care for deeply that is a better mommy than their mommy ever was.<P>Yet I keep trying.

because I can't look in the mirror and tell myself I don't love this man...yet.

Because I'm in love with this man and I haven't figured out yet where he leaves off and I begin.

When you no longer love him you will be able to let go. Until then put up with the crap and keep on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A </A><P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

I am wondering the same. Needs or no needs, it is a lack of respect and concideration to us!!! And what about HER???? OK, so my H had issues with me that I didn't know about. How can this married, mother of two co-worker, who has known me and my children for the past few years.....justify this???<P>Why do we do it......I want to run away from the pain and humiliation. (Every person in my town (except for my children) and all of his family know what has happened.....ANd he still works with her.<P>I remind myself that I am not perfect...that love is unconditional.....that my children deserve to have that father that existed 6 months ago....that this is a problem within him (which he finally admitted two weeks ago). But I'll tell you, I really want to go beat the living ******out of the manipulation OP!!!!!!!!especially today

I did love him. I don't know anymore.<P>I came back from a family funeral, the first time I have left him alon for 2 years. <P>It just all hit home how there is absolutely no trust.<P>The thought of him touching me makes me feel dirty because I am convinced he was with some other woman while I was gone.<P>There is no respect. The time I spent away from him has brought it all back. All the pain and the anger. All the suspicion and disapointment.<P>There was such relief to be able to be away from him for a few days and now there is so much stress being back.

I wonder why too !!!<P>When they talk of Divorce, you would think they were talking of doing the dishes... like nothing to it... my Heart aches everytime he brings it up....<BR>Why do I love him ???? Because this creature I'm dealing with, just can't be my H... My H was never so mean and cold....<P>scoick

I am in the midst of wondering why, too.<P>I want my little boy to grow up with a mommy and a daddy, but is it worth it?<P>All I can say is that my love bank is darn close to empty right now and if it weren't for this sweet baby on my lap I'd be outta here, but this sweet baby IS on my lap so I'm giving him one more chance...I don't know if I fear or I hope I'll find one more thing...<P>Hang in there. It has to go up from here. --HBC

I don't know if this will help anyone. I just wanted to share with you why I stayed.<P>I knew from day one that if my H and I were going to split, it would be because of problems in our marriage, not because of a third party in our marriage.<P>If you have a goal it's easier.<BR>Happy Mother's day!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Tired LuLu:<BR><B>What I don't understand is why we keep trying to win back our betrayed spouses love and consideration. Why? </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>For me it's about a dedication to the vows I made. I have told my H over and over that I am not trying for him. he does not deserve it. <P>I do this for me. I need to be satisfied that I did not walk away without doing everything I could to make things better. We live in a disposable society. I really hate the way people hook up with this one and that one and never really connect. When things settle down into real world situations of taking kids here and there, putting out th garbage, being late for work, and trying to find something to cook, the shine wears off. It's up to us to do what it takes to make the love last through all the diaper changes and all the squabbles. <P>But it takes two WILLING people.<P>I truly have done everything I could. I can walk away with my dignity in knowing I loved him more than he deserved and treated him with the respect he did not show me. When you can do that despite the hurt and humiliation shown you, you really have proven something about yourself. And that makes me proud.

I agree with Popeye that it's not just about keeping your spouse because you still love her/him. I still love my wife but for me it's just as much about my belief about marriage. Marriage is about 2 people who will make it work no matter what (for better or worse). I am, right now, definately in the worse but I can not give up until there's no hope. As my wife continues to hold me at arms lenghth, I find my love for her dwindling and my ability to cling to what's left greatly dimininshed. My view of marriage is still solid and, at times, is all I have to go on.<P>If we do can the marriage, I will also know that I have done everything possible to save it. Sometimes the winds of life blows us in directions we do not choose but must still run with.

Wastubborn, I needed to read your reply tonight, because I feel like telling him he deserves to be stuck with her!!!!

I'm wondering this myself. Although recovery has been fairly good, I feel that I can never trust my H again. I never thought that he would betray me and that he could do something so despicable and cruel to me and the kids. All I can think of is, "Now I know what he is capable of...I'm stupid to have ever trusted him."<P>I know that I didn't help any. Sorry....

Ok....here's lots of reasons....<P>He has become such a part of me that I feel incomplete without him. The truth is that I will always love him "No matter what"! That will never change. <P> I grew up without my father around and I see how that affected me. I cannot do that to my kids! I married with the intent to stay married until I die, and I will do my best to honor that. <P>I realized that all people no matter who they are are capable of doing the same thing, even me! He deserves a second chance for many reasons.

I think a lot depends how far you are in the process. For me, I have lost all respect, trust and love for him. During the first year I would have done anything to keep him here with me and our three children. But then, after he moved out and began a heated relationship with the OW, I realized that he seemed to be deliberately pushing me further away by his heinous, despicable behavior. It worked: I no longer care about this person who has become a total stranger to me and to our kids.

Good question.<P>Then, when he was living with PT, I remembered the man I fell in love with. I remembered the man who stayed with me all night at the hospital when my mom had cancer. I remembered the man who held me when my father was killed, who took over and gave me the time and love that let me grieve. I remembered the man who took my little girl and loved her as his own, showed her that she was wonderful and worthy and the most important thing in the world. I remembered the man who said "I will", who held me close every night for all those years. No matter what was going on , I just knew, somehow, in my heart that the cold cruel man who seemed to be inhabiting his body for these few months was NOT that same man...something had to be VERY wrong to bring about such a change in such a short time. I saw his pain, I saw his torment, and I needed to find out what had happened. <P>What he did hurt (and, yes, I know that's an understatement). But in the space of all our time together, and the potential promise of the rest of our lives together, what's a year? I'm sorry, but that's how I feel. All those years, a good, solid, devoted man, who did everything he could to make our family happy, if something had happened that made him turn his back on everything he ever believed in, then it must have been something serious, you know? All those years of being there, a few months of not couldn't wipe that out for me.<P>This was ONE of my cards from him yesterday...<P>"You're the love of my life, joy of my heart...partner of my life, warmth of my day and my night...what more can I say than to call you what you'll always be to me...<BR>beautiful.<P>Our love and our life togheter just keep growing richer..and in all the days we've shared, there's never been a moment when I didn't love you more deeply than the moment just before. All our years together seem like some beautiful dream...a dream I don't ever want to wake up from. When I think about the future, I just have to smile because I know we still have so much more to look forward to...so many more chapters to write in our real-life dream come true. Happy Mother's Day, I'll love you always."<P>So, now, his love, his devotion, the lessons we've learned, the promise of a future together, I'm glad I did what I did. I remember wondering if I was being a fool. I remember saying "why?" a few times. But now, when he thanks me for being strong, when his respect for me for my tenacity ( ) is so very obvious in everything he says and does, when I think about the future we're planning together, the kind of love we're building together, I know why. And I'm proud of myself for what I did.<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori

At the beginning for me, it was for the kids, and because I believe in commitment. Besides, I'm stubborn. But, I was not feeling a lot of love for him then.<P>Then, it was because I could see he was hurt and confused, and realized this was not the real H. A glimmer of hope he might return to himself. <P>Now, it is because I can once again see the person I married, and can see love returning on both sides.<P>Kathi