I hate this, I really do.<P>Today Mike took me out , we did a little shopping,( ok my cheap butt went to the second hand store and bought some books)<BR>went to dinner at one of my favorite mexican resturants. Went to the grocery store where my son works to pick up a few things. <P>He stayed outside while I went in, I had my son call a cab for us when I was checking out.<P>Get ouside and what do I see ? My h talking to another woman ! I was unhappy. Then he wants me to talk to this woman, seems she has a problem with her apt. manager. Mike told her I had managed an apartment complex for 5 years and might know what to tell her to do. I tell her what I know, mean whil;e she slips in that her h has left her and won't come home ect. She's in tears, I feel bad for her, but I really don't want to get too involved, never seen her before in my life !<P>Anyway she starts talking about how she needs friends right now, I'm trying my best to beg off in a nice way. Our cab comes, Mike gives her our phone number AFTER he's already told her where we live and our apartment number !<P>Mind you he never even asked me if I minded him doing this before hand , and guys I gotta tell you I mind ! I mind alot !<P>Then he gives her money ! By this time I was fuming mad ! Kept my mouth shut in the cab execpt to say we were going to have to talk about this when we got home.<P>I am so upset and so afraid and so ashamed of myself too. I really feel bad that I don't want to reach out to this woman, but I am afraid to. Because everyone of mike's affairs has started out with a woman in trouble of one kind or another. He has knight in shing armor syndrom, to everyone but me !<P>He says "you have nothing to worry about" . Excuse me ? With his track record.<P>I am so ashamed, I call myself a Christian but don't want to reach out because I'm afraid I will lose my h again. God help me !<P>I hate being this way. But I can't help it !<BR>And I don't know what to do.<P><P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>Hepatitis C, educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://hepatitis-central.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://hepatitis-central.com/</A>

Deb,<P>I don't blame you one bit for being upset about this. Mike doesn't have a good track record and has been e-mailing/chatting with other women. Of course, you feel insecure!<P>Mike is setting himself up for another affair if he doesn't wake up and see what he is doing.<P>I'm so very sorry that you are going through this. H & I are still okay with recovery, but I STILL feel insecure. In fact, I just did some explosive LB's this evening. Tomorrow, he has to get a replacement license at the DMV and the DMV office is across the street from OW's apartment!<P>Because I know that he is going to where she lives, it brought back so many ugly memories and nasty triggers. I feel as if I still don't have closure to this and I exploded all over the place.<P>I don't see how I will ever heal. I don't think that I will. I told him that. His stupid answer was, "Well, maybe you should just leave the marriage then." You know...as betrayers do....just escape from your problems and don't work on them. Stupid stupid stupid! He didn't learn diddly. He thinks the solution is to run away from problems. What a major conflict avoider. No wonder he had an affair!<P>Oh, I'm so sorry...I'm venting on your thread. Sorry that I went off on a tangent.<P>Can you calmly (easier said than done) talk to Mike and tell him that, after all of what you have been through, and that your marriage has went through the wringer....that this new person could possibly threaten your marriage?<P>For goodness sakes! She's a total stranger! Instead of working on her problems, you need to be working on your own marital problems so that your marriage can feel stable and secure again.<P>I wish that I could plant something in Mike's head so that he realizes that he is not doing the right thing by inviting this stranger into your lives. With the state that your marriage is in, it's too threatening for your marriage.<P>I'm up at this late hour from screaming at my own H. Respond if you are still up.

NoTrust,<P>Thanks for answering me. I have talked to him tonight, let him know how I feel. Calmly ? Uh, no !<P>If it will make a difference or not , well only God knows.<P>I am so sorry about what your h said to you !These guys are dunder-heads when it comes to how we feel. <P>I have to go for now, Mike wants his computer back , I told him this would only take a second. <P>I'll try to come back in when he goes to sleep.<P>Tell you what, I'll smack yours if you'll smack mine ! <P><P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>Hepatitis C, educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://hepatitis-central.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://hepatitis-central.com/</A>

HAHAHA.....I think my H needs a good smack right now!

Hi Deb,<P>It's been a long time I wonder whether you still remember me.<P>I am sorry too that you felt that way, do you think is there any way you can tell Mike that you feel insecure and that you need HIM to help you feeling secure?<P>Just my 2 cents, other than that, I miss you, that's all. <P>Hugs<BR>Saskia

Did he get a clue AT ALL after the talk??<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{Deb}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Love, <P>Lori

Saskia,<P>How could I not remember you ?! I just read your thread, I'm glad you're doing well ! And I miss you too !<P>Lori,<P>I just keep blowing it don't I ? Bad Deb, bad, bad !<P>I just don't know guys, I talked to him, tried to explain things from my point of. Even gave the "well let me go out and start talking to some strange man in a parking lot while you are in the store, tell him where we live up to and including the apt. #, let you come out, insist you talk to this man,<BR>then without so much as a by your leave give this man our phone number. And then turn around and give him money.<P>Guys I guess I am madder at me for resenting this, and for not wanting to open my heart to this woman.<P>But I mean really, how many of you women here have started a long drawn out conversation with a man you have never seen before in a grocery store parking lot at night. Because the man says something about your dog ? And tell him how desperate you are, that you're about to have to go in the store and shop lift. But later say you have food at home. <P>And you're going to be evicted from you're apt because you had an arguement with your neighbor and told the neighbor you wanted to slap her ?<P>And that your h left you. ? <P>Something just dioesn't sit right with me about all this.<P>Will he ever get a clue that these things only make me feel like he is just here till the next one who is willing comes along ?<P>I have told him that I can't deal with much more. It would be so simple for him to just ask himself, how will/would Deb feel about this before he acts, and to not do the things he knows will cause me to feel hurt and afraid.<P>I mean geez , now I'm just waiting for my phone to ring or this woman to knock on my door. EEeeerrrrrggghhhhhhhhh. I don't mind helping her, but I don't want Mike getting all caught up in her problems, every time he meets a woman with problems my heart get stomped on. He starts feeling sorry for them, then responsible for them, then boom, I am the one hurting. Why can't I be that important to him. <P>Maybe I have become too cold hearted anymore.<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>Hepatitis C, educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://hepatitis-central.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://hepatitis-central.com/</A>

I would be upset too. That is not right. Maybe he thinks that because it was done in the open (he's not hiding it) that it was okay? No, I agree with you. Sounds like he is setting himself up for another affair.<P>Since he likes to be this Knight in Shining Armor guy, why don't you let it be you he's rescuing? I am not proposing that you do something drastic, but maybe you can let him help you with something? I don't know- fixing your car, redecorating, yard work or something. Fawn all over him and make him feel like a hero. I know it sounds calculated and false, but that is one of his biggest emotional needs, it seems pretty easy to meet it. <P>just a suggestion

Popeye,<P>Ahh, my dear, would that it were that easy !<P>I do fawn over him, and I do let him do things for me. But you see when *I* ask him to do something for me, it is a bad thing. Because I am me, not some new helpless woman.<P>I have Hepatitis C, he is the only one working. And probably will be for a while. <BR>So it's not like I am out and being the totally independant career woman who has no need of his support in any manner.<P>I stoped working outside the home execpt for some consumer surveys, mock trials , and things like that when our son was 9 so I could be home with him. Before that I managed apts and that was cool because my son was right upstairs or in my office with me all the time. When that job was over it was decided that I needed to be home with the boy.<P>You see when the new woman with the new problems comes along, well me and any problems I may have just don't matter.<P><P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>Hepatitis C, educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://hepatitis-central.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://hepatitis-central.com/</A>

Deb, I can really understand where you are coming from...how I have asked myself why some men don't see that they can be their own wive's K in SA. I believe that these guys are extremely needy for ATTENTION and the more they get, the happier they are!!! Maybe something was missing in childhood. I know my husband says I'm all he has and now the baby coming too, but if he loses me he'll have nothing, but that contradicts because his behaviour is actually causing him to lose me. He can't rationalize that somehow. Sometimes I think just coming from me isn't enough for him. And for me, the problem is when h gets involved in what he calls "just friends" relationships, he actually cares for these people and puts my feelings completely aside. It's twisted! I agree though, with what everyone else said. Your h is setting himself up, but until he actually recognizes WHAT he's doing, it will continue to happen. Like a child who gets his hand burned on the stove, until he actually gets burned and it HURTS bad, they just don't stop trying.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{DEB}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Repeat after me:<P>Deb is NOT bad!<BR>Deb is NOT bad!<P>Girl, you know I can relate to the Knight in Shining Armor!<BR>I told my H that I wanted him to treat ME the way he treats all his bimbo friends. I want him to treat ME like a girlfriend.<BR>Period. No long explanations. They tune out. They do NOT want to relate. (ok I'm a bit crabby today) <P>Smack Mike for me once okay?<BR>That was not appropriate. There is helping and then there is helping. You have nothing to feel guilty about. This woman had no business going up to a perfect strager with her tale.<P>No advice there. Just want you not to be so hard on yourself.

Hey Deb, <BR>you aren't bad, you aren't alone.<P>But I suspect this woman is not a complete stranger to Mike. As many times as I've been separated, there are very few men I have actually told, just so I wouldn't accidentally alert a psycho-rapist/predator. You've been separated, did you go around telling that to strange men in parking lots? No matter how friendly--and Lord knows, that vulnerable air of abandonment draws men like flies. Would you accept their money? Maybe this is what Mike does, if so, I pray that he is infected with an irrational & pervasive fear of strange & unknown women. <P>You can't lock him up, and only he can change his behavior.<P>2 whacks of the frying pan to Mike.

Hi Deb -<P>Geez, and I thought I had a Whacky one!!<P>What on earth is he thinking? Stupid question, huh? I mean....this woman could be some set-up scam artist or something and he's giving info let alone money? MIKE - GET OVER HERE...SMACK!!!<P>So what do you think Deb? Was he wearing an actual BOZO outfit that would attract people or is it some gypsy potion that endears desperate, not all "there" women? I'd check his cologne and aftershave....could be hexed!!!!<P>You are not being serious with feeling bad about not helping someone are you? Deb, do you know how many people you help? I have only known of you for a year and can see more people being helped by you than I could ever hope to accomplish in my whole lifetime!!!! Keep in mind that that is only what goes on these boards.....I am sure that there are plenty more in your "real" life!!<P>God is VERY PLEASED with his servant, Deb.....so don't go there!!! You are my beautiful spirit friend - remember? Did you ever print off that first post I made to you? Go find it and read it!!<BR>If you don't have it let me know and I will see if I printed it out and tucked it somewhere.....for that is how I see you.<P>You are a very giving soul, but Deb you are not stupid!!! <P>(to Mike...) Sorry Mike, but that incident was not the smartest way to handle the "situation". It's all well and good to be trusting/caring people, but not to the detriment of your family!! That could have put them in harm's way....and for what? A "feel good" moment? That's not to even mention the fact that you and Deb are rebuilding a marriage and have your own issues that are being worked on. Where is your consideration for Deb in all this? <P>Not worth it my friend......<P>You both want to be useful and have a happy life. OK, so you both need to create the happiness between you and ONLY THEN spread it around like sunshine to others in a way that you BOTH participate and are comfortable with.<P>Gotta change the habits, Mike.....<P>Deb, have no idea if Mike will read this but, I want you both to know that you are wonderful people who have tons of friends here who admire what you two have come through, want only the best for both of you and who love you for the strength and fortitude with which you seem to pull yourselves up when things get rough.<P>I have no doubt that you guys will come through this last misjudgement learning something!!!<P>BIG HUGS, PRAYERS, STRENGTH & LOVE,<P>Sheba <P><BR>

((((((deb)))))<BR>just wanted you to know im here and feeling empathic today.<BR>at least my H is an equal-opportunity knight in shining armour, men get just as much attention from him as women, and it's almost as bad. always tells me I don't need him for anything...i wish i knew what he meant, then i could ask him to do things!!!<BR>hang in there,<BR>julie

Dear Deb, tongue in cheek, suggestion:<P>If Mike really truly wants to help strangers in the situation of this lady in the parking lot, he can go to school to become a social worker. Failing that, he could carry a printout of local <BR>1) Welfare Offices<BR>2) Battered Women's Shelters<BR>3) Pro Bono Attorneys to help the Damsels in Distress<BR>4) Soup Kitchens<BR>5) Free Clinics, <BR>6) Low cost child care for single moms<BR>7) Packets of change for the phones<P>If he really wants to help. No offense Deb but you named him right. My guy has a weakness for damsels in distress, but one at a time. I guess that's why I initially appealed to him - he was able to help me with a problem. <P>BTW, does he also help down and out smelly men bums, old ladies, Vietnam vets? Or is it only attractive ladies?<P>He gave her far too much personal information, likewise she to him. Don't blame you for smelling a rat.<P><BR>[

Windy, Thanks, the thing is my bozo <B> has </B> been burned by some of these women. Just hasn't learned yet.<P>Wassi, Deb is not bad , Deb is not bad, Thank you, I just wish I understood why they are so willing to bend over back-ward for these women. We are the ones who have been through hell and back with them. Ah well such is life I suppose.<P>Lor , he swears up and down he doesn't know her. You are right of course, when he and I were seperated I never walked up to a man I didn't know in a parking lot, at night and start telling him my life story. Of course he did talk to her first. Something about her silly little dog who was in the car with her. MEN ! You can't live with 'em and you can't kill them.<P>Sheba, I don't know what it is, honest I don't. Mike is 6 foot tall has really long hair, like down past his shoulder blades long, with a bushy beard ! Heck I saw one women get scared when he walked up to one to tell here she left her gas cap off her car as she was going into a car wash ! Really , she screamed NO! and zoomed through the carwash like the devil himself approached her.<P>And yes my dear friend, I'm afraid I am serious about feeling about not reaching out to her more and not wanting to hear from her again. I did tell her when she got home she needed to pray about her hubby, then she started to cry and I hugged her and told her it would be ok. But all the time I was angry and suspicious. So what does that make me , nothing good I'm sure. <P>I don't know if Mike will read this or not, he knows it's here. I told him he should read it, just so he could see that I am not the only one who sees something funny in this.<P>lWb, Thanks, I just don't know about him sometimes honest I don't !<P>Bellevue, HEHE, I like your suggestions, well he will help out old ladies, and sometimes helps out guys but not as often, and he has never had an affair with an old woman or a guy as far as I know. But his stuff with the women is getting old !<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>Hepatitis C, educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://hepatitis-central.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://hepatitis-central.com/</A>

Hi Deb,<P>Sorry you have to go through this yet again. Really why do that? I do not understand. I am very polite to people but when they come and start telling me their life story I just want to run and hide. <P>No one any any idea what a person is capable of. This goes under "what was he thinking". Yes he might like to help people but hey Mike start helping little old ladies and men. They really need assistance too. Honor your wife above all else.<P>{{{{{{{{{deb}}}}}}}

Hi Deb,<P>You know...I thinking about this woman's behavior. I have an aunt whose H left her for OW. In the early stages of abandonment, my aunt happenned to be at the DMV and started telling the office clerk abour her marital problems! She didn't even know this office clerk! I couldn't believe that she did this, but I guess that some people do, with whomever will listen.<P>Only problem is that this woman that Mike talked to sounds needy and threatening to your marriage. My Aunt may have told strangers about her marital problems, but she didn't get addresses, phone numbers & money from these strangers either.<P>Your situation just doesn't set right with me. Keep your eyes wide open!

Paha, Thanks , I think this more goes under I think he left his brain at home !<P>NoTrust, I understand people talking to almost anyone when they are hurting and have no one to turn to. But this is a bit much. To tell him she is so desperate that she's going to have to go in the store and shop lift ? Then she admited in front of me that she had food. <P>I posted a new thread on this, she actually called here tonight. Ick, Ick ! Ackk<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>Hepatitis C, educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://hepatitis-central.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://hepatitis-central.com/</A>