Well...I can't shake the triggers. Lately, they seem to be striking often. I feel as if I am in a relapse.<P>Just for a little info: H & I have been in 14 months of rocky recovery. His physical affair was 7 weeks long. It ended upon his confession. No withdrawal on his part, although OW showed signs of withdrawal and attempted contact. My H is a recovering alcoholic.<P>He is doing everything that a loving H should be doing. I've tried hard to be the same way. However I can't get past the betrayal. I really can't.<P>I had a great Mother's Day but my H mentioned that he lost his driver's license and that he has to get a replacement one. Well, the DMV office is across the street from OW's apartment!<P>I suggested that he bring our son with him. So, he will.<P>However, just the thought of that town (I can't even go back there and that's where my eye doctor is)...it brings back so many nasty memories.<P>I feel as if I haven't had closure to this because of some unanswered questions on his part. And, because of not having full closure, I feel as if I can't heal and recover properly.<P>The nasty triggers popped up, I said lots of mean things, screamed at him and exploded & yelled all over the place. It was as if all of it was bottled up inside of me, and the cork was removed and I exploded.<P>I'm wondering if I had been holding too much in, instead of being more open about my feelings. Maybe that's why I exploded, in addition to not having closure to this affair.<P>Sometimes just looking at him makes me feel disgusted with him. How am I supposed to deal with this??

No Trust:<P>I understand completely how you feel. I am in a very similar situation ... and share the same time lines with you--recovery 12 months, husband's fling was 6 to 8 weeks.<P>Lately I have been on my own personal emotional rollercoaster. I don't LB much, and we don't talk about 'it' much anymore because we are so preoccupied with resurrecting our business, but, deep inside me, EVERYTHING triggers a painful memory. and I know EVERYTHING, far, far more than I should.<P>My spouse spent three weekends with this person and she became pregnant and had a child last August. <BR>So, I can't watch Huggie commercials or watch or look at babies too much, it just tears me apart. I hate looking at pregnant women, and women with shoulder length thick hair and big, fat rear ends. I hate hearing about New York City, especially Long Island, I feel sick when Dallas, Texas is mentioned, especially Arlington where she got pregnant, I hate Thanksgiving because that's WHEN she got pregnant, the worst year of my life - 1998, Tampa, Florida, where they were going to move to, flowers sent to her three times and arm load brought to her personally i a limo, Marriott hotels, Italian ANYTHING..I mean, it goes on and on. I even hate the airlines that took him there and the people who introduced them. UGH.<P>I certainly know what you mean and how you feel about "triggers'....hey, wasn't Trigger a horse?<P>So, you are not nuts, or maybe you are and so am I. But, these triggers are very real and painful and it makes me sad I have to live with these triggers and try to push them out of my mind for how long? Forever? I wonder when these triggers become a dull ache rather than a constant sharp pain.<P>Sometimes when I just can't stand it another moment, I smile sweetly to my spouse and say I'm running an errand and will be back soon. Then I jump in my car and drive to remote areas where I can cry and scream and curse if I have to, calling them both every name in the book and trying to get some relief. I allow myself a good half hour of absolute grief, sobbing my heart out until there isn't one tear left in me.<P>When I get home, I am warm and friendly and act lighthearted even though I am anything but. It's exhausting, but cleansing. And I don't do this nearly as much as I used to. It used to be a daily, heck, even hourly thing, now it's down to weeks or months before I rage like that again.<P>I hope you'll find a way to cope with the triggers, and if you discover how this can be done, please, please, let me know. Until then I hope you will find a way to release your pain. God bless.<P>catnip =^^=

notrust, I understand how you feel and I'm not even in recovery!!! (My h moved out 3 months ago, works with OP though I don't think anything else is going on right now)<P>We are going to our first counseling session this week. I'm still having a hard time believeing that this all (what i don't know yet) has happened.<P>I keep remembering the 10 days he was gone with her on a mission trip (she "convinced him to go"). I was hear, getting ready for his BD, thinking about christmas, thinking about trips we had planned...believing that he was who he said he was, and life was what I thought it was.<P>I don't know if I can ever view life like that again. I know my eldest D won't. <P>ANd yet, If we can manage to get over this hurdle, I cannot allow this manipulating OP do this to our relationship. She has always been on a power trip. I don't want her to have any power over me!!!!!<P>She would call herself the "office wife" in front of me. She bragged how she made her previous boss's wife jealous when she was "young and skinny"<P>Little did I realize, that while she had been complaining to my H about her lousey marraige for the past year, she had lost weight, started wearing makeup and skin tight cloths to work. <P>Of course the entire town and esp. where they work NOW say....we all should have seen it coming....they were always together....seen going to lunch together....seen driving together...<P>I don't know who is more stupid...me or him!!!!!!<P>notrust...I want so badly to blow up at him and at her. Especially at her. I want to tell her that I was never jealous of her just mistrustful. I also want to tell her that all she will be remembered for is having my H lose the respect of his family, friends and colleagues...as well as bringing out the worst in my H.<P>But I won't waste my breath. I was thinking of writing it down in a letter and having one of my girlfriends read it.\\\<P>And I was going to suggest to you that you write your feelings in a journal...I know it helps me.. I want to LB every day I see him. But you know, I know he feels so bad and guilty..I do not want to be the one to make him feel that way!!!!

Wow, I thought I was the only one.<P>Just this past weekend I got the weepies big time all because of me thinking about H and It.<P>It was our son's 8-month birthday...she was the first person he called and she came over to the hospital right away to bring him dinner...now I understand why she wanted to give him a hug right there in my room with me unable to move from the c-section...<P>We went to dinner at the place he went with her while I was still in the hospital...they went to bring me back food...<P>We are planning a Memorial Day BBQ...I remember the picnic we had for our son's bris and the fact that he was gone with her for five hours picking up food...He needed help carrying it and traffic was just so bad...<P>So then I try to think about life before she finished college and started working with H, and I think of all his other misdeeds that I've only begun to find out about....<P>And I cry....<P>H said this weekend that he hates it when I do this. He doesn't know when it's going to happen and suddenly it's as though everything good is just gone.<P>I fortunately avoided telling him exactly what I thought of HIS predicament. I repeated to myself that He Doesn't Know and that HE HURTS, TOO. It's true.<P>I then fantasize about doing Truly Horrible Things to It. I then I realize that she is undoubtedly hurting, too. (Though I would like to make her hurt more...)<P>So then I go somewhere quiet and have my cry and then move on.<P>I don't know if that's the best way to handle this, but it's the only way I've found so far.<P>(Thanks for letting me vent on your thread. I hope that the end helped a little. It helped me to read these posts and know that I'm not alone in this.)<P>Good luck to you. --HBC

Catnip, TT & HBC,<P>Thanks for replying to my thread and for sharing your stories. Sometimes I feel guilty because I feel as if I haven't moved on enough. We are in 16 months of recovery but it still hurts the same. Isn't it supposed to get better, especially if recovery is going pretty well now?<P>Catnip, you are such a strong person. I was talking to my H about this topic yesterday....that if OW had a baby, I don't think that I could handle it. I would probably leave him. Funny thing is that he said that if I were the one who got pregnant from an affair, then he would stay with me and take care of the baby too. I'm just relieved that the OW didn't get pregnant. According to him, the last time he was with OW, the condom broke (which freaked him out) and me too! I got some kind of infection from him & her and was hoping that she didn't get pregnant because that was the only form of birth control that they were using. Boy, just typing that pissed me off.....that STUPID OW and my H giving me her souvenir...she makes me want to puke! What a disgusting thing!<P>I totally understand about what you mean about those Huggies commercials and such. I can't even stand to watch any movies that involve adultery. It angers me and then I change the channel...but in the meantime, I'm swearing at the characters in the movie! I can't believe that I'm like this now.<P>TT: I'm sorry to read that your H moved out. Do you still see him? That OW has such NERVE to flaunt her despicable behavior all over the workplace and around town. Yes, she will be known as the "home-wrecker!"<P>HBC: I'm so sorry that the OW had the nerve to come into your room after you had given birth. That is really sickening for her to flaunt her disgusting behavior with her H right in front of your face! I just don't understand these people. <BR>