Today all hell broke loose. My husband found out in a very hard way (finding evidence) that I had been unfaithful to him. He doesn't understand how it could have happened to us, and I frankly have a hard time with that myself. I feel like two different people - a smart, mature one and a really stupid, selfish little child. This has been the worst day of my life, so I can't imagine what it's been like for him. I am not looking for sympathy here - I know that I have brought this on myself (and what's worse, on him). What I am seeking is advice from those who have been there, particularly the wronged spouse. What can I do to help him in these next few days? weeks? months? We have no plans to separate and every intention of working things out. We know there will be scars but we believe we can get our wonderful marriage back. We don't have kids. We will be starting some counseling sessions the day after tomorrow, and I'm hoping we can get some good help of this kind from her, but I thought it might be helpful to hear from people who have been through it, too. Thanks in advance.

Welcome <B>Contrite</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>Shortly after the beginning of the year... the "main" infidelity forum was divided into addition separate forums... <BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<P>and new ones being added as needed...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=34&SUBMIT=Go" TARGET=_blank>Divorcing/Divorced</A>...when efforts at reconciliation fail or are failing.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=35&SUBMIT=Go" TARGET=_blank>Pregnancy/Child</A>...when pregnancy/Other Children(OC) are introduced through affairs.<P>We are being asked to post to the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! <P><B>About your post</B>...<BR>Don't think there are only "betrayeds" here...<BR>Many waywards come here as well...<BR>Browsing through the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>Roll Call</A> post, you'll find many! <P>You... should start on ===><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>.<P>Get the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>... and read it... if you can... with your H.<P>If your H is serious about rebuilding... counseling can be very good. If you don't get the kind of support you think makes sense (i.e. <I>Solution Based Therapy</I>)... I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> ($85US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A>!<P><B>YOU ARE NOT ALONE</B>!<P>Stay here and post...<BR>If your H is up to it... maybe he can look at some of what is on this site as well!<P> <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited May 15, 2000).]

<BR>I'm sorry for the situation you are in, but you've come to the best place around if you truly want to put your marriage together. There will be others along shortly that will help more than I can, but until they get here I'll offer just a few suggestions that may help.<P>He's confused, as you have said. Understand that. Understand that he'll probably say things that he will regret saying. He may also do things he will regret doing. Attribute that to confusion before you assume he's maliciously trying to be hurtful. His emotions will be all over the map and he's in no position to be able to decide what he wants yet. Give it time - months, maybe even years.<P>Answer his questions, and answer completely. Don't hide the facts, and don't hold back. Your answers will probably hurt him and he won't like what you have to say, but I can promise you that it is far more humane to tell the whole truth now rather than a little now and more later. If you have any hope of regaining his trust, it will only come after you tell the complete truth. To lie now will only serve to deepen his wounds when he finds the truth later - and he probably will.<P>Expect to reassure a lot. He may not ask very well, or very nicely, but he'll be looking for reassurance. Offer it even if he doesn't ask.<P>He'll be thinking about this a lot. It'll be on his mind pretty much constantly for the forseeable future. He may or may not want to talk to you a lot about it. Let him talk if he needs to. Try to accept that even if he's not talking about it, he's thinking about it. If you need to, it may be helpful to schedule time to discuss things.<P>You haven't said much yet, but it's likely that he suspected before he confirmed the unfaithfulness. He's likely going to be nervous (that's an understatement!) about things that are related to the affair, and probably about a bunch of things that are completely unrelated. It's normal. If he's uncomfortable about something, figure out a way to calm his fears. Take him with you when you shop, if that's a trigger for him. Let him check receipts. Give him whatever passwords you have, even if they aren't related to the affair. Let him check your voicemail, even before you do. Change your cell phone number, get a new pager, find a new job, find new friends, move to a new neighborhood or state or country, whatever you need to do to prove to him that you aren't hiding anything.<P>Probably the most important thing of all is to end the affair, and end it in a way that demonstrates to your husband that you are committed to your marriage. Acknowledge that the affair is wrong and let the other person know that you have no intentions of continuing in a relationship of any kind. Don't try to "be friends" or leave the door open at all. Turn your back, walk away, and don't look back. If you feel a desire to contact the other person (and it's likely that you will) talk to your husband about it. Ask him to help you. Work together as a team, it'll be a lot easier with his help.<P>All this has been said from my point of view, and your mileage may vary. Other points of view might help you more. I hope you are able to find a good counselor. Good luck.<P>Slightly Sane<BR>

Contrite,<P>I'm glad you are here. Can you give a little more info? Where is your head at? What about your heart? Is the affair still going on? Was it emotional, physical, or both? Are you still in contact? Do you see this as a colossal mistake or was he your "true love and soulmate"? What feelings do you have for your H now? <P>You will be getting lots of assistance here, so it will help if we have some more info. Hang in there! I'll be back...<P>------------------<BR>But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.<BR>Galatians 5:22-23

Dear Contrite,<P>Since you were having an affair, I might assume your sex life with your H was minimal, if at all. From my personal experience, don't try to make it up to him by coming on to him. My wife did that after I found out about her affair, and boy did that burn me up. I could only think that she was thinking of him, that this was a guilt and mercy f**k. I really lost my temper and pushed her off me. Which hurt her feelings, too. This may not apply to you, but it's worth considering.

2sad, I am glad to share info if it will help. My head and heart are definitely with my husband. It was the rest of my body that was elsewhere. There is nothing going on now, and I very much doubt if I will be harassed. I have canceled e-mail accounts and chat programs through which I was in contact (it was basically Internet-based). I love my husband deeply and want to be with him forever, but was just I guess greedy and selfish. Frankly, it was strictly a physical thing prompted (I think) by my self-destructive tendencies and a desire to feel wanted. (I see lots of counseling in my future; I never have before and probably should have.)<P>My main concern at this point is how terribly much pain I have inflicted undeservingly on my husband and how I can at least try to make it up to him, no matter how much work it takes. I don't see myself as wronged in any way; if I ever did, it was rationalization. He's not perfect, as he has reminded me, but by no means do I think this was his fault.<P>Thanks for the help and support so far. I am so glad this kind of support system exists. I mentioned the site to my husband and hope he can find help here too.

Contrite:<P>I am so sorry that you and your husband are going through the pain of this. It will be tough for both of you.<P>You sound like you're in a similar position as my husband. He had a physical affair for most of a year and internet/phone affairs for most of our marriage. He is with me now and says he loves me, but I am having a hard time believing him.<P>You ask what your H is feeling. The answer is complete, total, abject pain. I recommend that you both read the first two chapters "After the Affair : Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful" by Janis Abrahms Spring. The first chapter describes what the hurt spouse is feeling (he probably thinks he is going nuts it hurts so bad) and the second describes what the wayward spouse is feeling. I can't attest to how accurate the second chapter is, but I know the first was dead on and the second helped me deal with my husband better.<P>What can you do? Here are my suggestions:<P>1) Answer every question completely and honestly. Don't try to spare his feelings. If he finds out later that you lied to try and make him not feel so bad, it will wrench open the wound that will begin to heal.<P>2) Remember that it will heal. I woke up crying every night for a week. I screamed as if my heart would break. Don't run. He needs you. It gets better.<P>3) Don't hate him for things he might say to you. He may call you a lot of horrible things. Be prepared and don't run. He is hurting.<P>4) Don't just turn your back on your OM, write him a letter (e-mail) and tell him that you will not be contacting him any more and that you don't want him to contact you either. Tell your husband that you are doing this; show him the letter. Let him write the letter. Don't just close the door on the OM: burn the bridge.<P>5) Come back here and vent when things go badly (and they will; you are in for an incredible roller coaster of emotions). Don't vent to him or at him.<P>Good luck to you, Contrite. Come back and let us know how things are going. I'm glad you're here. --HBC

Well it sounds like you have an award winning attitude about the thing. You really seem like you understand what pain you have caused and where you want to be in the future.<BR>o2bsane seems to have hit most of the big points. <BR>**Tell the truth about everything no matter whether you think it is important or not. Because he may be feeling that he can't trust you with anything right now so any little thing, even stuff not related to the affair, you should be truthful about. My wife still lies to me and it is one of the most difficult things to get over. <BR>**He is going to be suspicious of things so, if things are truely over and you want things right, let him ask you where you have been or what you did wherever you were. Again answer truthfully and calmly. If you balk or get angry at him for answering he may see it as hiding more stuff.<BR>**End the affair in an obvious way. Maybe write an email with your H to the OP or take your H to cancel all of the ways you and the OP communicated. This way your H will have it clear in his mind that you are serious and have nothing to hide - everything is in the open. My wife ended the relationship she had by saying "I can't contact you anymore because it bothers my husband and by the way I love you" It killed me and still does to this day.<BR>If I were in your situation I would feel the way you have written and I would take on the attitude of 'I bare myself and my heart to you (in my case - wife)" It is difficult to understand the emotional termoil that you have thrust your husband into. He has two directly conflicting emotions that are equally strong - love for his wife and the pain of being betrayed by the one person who SHOULD never betray. These are both big and will physically and emotionally beat the crap out of your husband. Please give him time to air things out and deal with things on his own time (my wife has basically told me to deal with it - but we have don't see eye to eye on this subject from a moral standpoint). He will need time and love and reassurance that he is again the one that only 'death do you part"<BR>

Contrite,<P>First, you can never "make it up" to him. What you have done will hurt him at some level the rest of his life. It makes no difference whether you stay married or not.<P>However, you can build a better marriage and that starts with honesty. You must be honest with him and even then there will be a long period of time when he has not trust in you.<P>You mentioned <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>My head and heart are definitely with my husband. It was the rest of my body that was elsewhere. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This answer seems very confusing. I presume that you meant that the affair was sexual but you did not love the OM. And that you loved your H all of the time. If this is what you meant to say, your H is going to have a very hard time.<P>For one thing the sexual part will be devastating, to him as it is to most people but particularly men. However, if you could do this while being in love with your H, then you would appear to him to have very little concern or respect for him. And now that he has found out, you are deeply concerned about his feelings.<P>I am not trying to pick on you here. But I am showing you how what you say can continue to devastate your H and make him think there is little here to build on.<P>What you really need to determine is why the affair occurred. I don't mean excuses but the real reason as best you can figure out. Why? Because if you understand why it occurred then your H will have some idea that this can be prevented from happening again. Either by your actions or his actions. <P>While you don't hold him at fault for the affair (correctly I might add), most people believe that if a marriage is good and love is present affairs won't occur. That is why your quoted statement seems a little strange. <P>Also you described your marriage as wonderful before the affair. If this is true the reason for the affair is really going to be important for your H. How can he rebuild trust if he did everything right and your marriage was wonderful? Honesty, not blaming, is going to be required. If he sees no way to gain faith in you, it will be very difficult for him to handle the rollercoaster his emotions will go through for the next months.<P>I suspect you meant more and perhaps different things, by that statement than I inferred. So think carefully about yourself and what caused you to do this.<P>Finally, if you are comfortable more details would be of use. How long the affair lasted. Was it with someone H knew. Has all contact been stopped. You mentioned removing email addresses and such: a very good idea. Is there a chance of running into to OM during your normal life.<P>Contrite, your concern for your H is well founded. However, if you are truely sorry for your affair and work with him the marriage can be repaired. Please read the information that NSR has provided, it will help you with the abbreviations used here and give you a much better idea of the approach used.<P>Hang in there. This is will be a long journey and one that will test both of you.<P>God Bless You and Your H,<P>JL

I would suggest that you look at NSR'S links...<P>You spouse needs reassurance from you now.... talk to your spouse from the heart... I don't think that you need to extremley sugar coat it... Just be yourself... meet the needs stuff...If you seriously mean it from the heart that you never intend for this to happen ..say so and let your spouse know that you will account for all your time... and say that all contact is over with.<P>Hold him in your arms...tell him you love him and how you feel about your self, for having done this....<P>If my h came back to me for a reconcilliation... I wouldn't make him crawl, I would appreciate an apology and having his tender loving ways back...<P>Yes, get counseling... READ... Harleys books... get books on surviving an affair.... I could go on and on... listen to the advice given here... you'll learn alot... maybe your H should come to this forum too !!!!

Everybody here has said it so much better than I could, great advice. <P>I only disagree on one thing: Instead of telling H the gory details, there must be some other way to be honest. Telling him how you managed to find the time and when it happened is important to the honesty thing. But where you did it first time, what you said, what he said, the noises, how many climaxes, how, descriptions of other man's private parts, new erogenous zones you discovered together, experiments you tried, should all be left out of the confession. THere's no point to going into this. The work with the counselor should be looking at the relationship and where it failed and how it can be rebuilt.<P>The honesty needs to be about your feelings toward each other and toward things that you do in the marriage, and of course full disclosure (letters, e-mail, cell phone - your life is an open book from now on).<P>The gory details will only be more destructive. Just my opinion. And being that I'm here lurking, reading and posting and that my H is emotionally entangled with someone he's never been to bed with (which I have no doubt is true), I'm not the wisest person on the continent and you can take my opinion with a grain of salt.<P>Welcome, I'm glad you're here (and sorry at the same time.) Hope you and your marriage make it!<BR>

One note of clarification:<P>I don't think you should volunteer "gory details" I don't think you should defer if asked. I nearly ripped H to shreds when he started with the "I'd rather not say".<P>Some folks would rather know; some wouldn't. That's why I suggested answering all questions put to you. You don't have to go into gory detil.<P>Good luck--it'll be tough buut you can do it! --HBC

Thank you very much for all the kind advice. I appreciate it and it's very helpful. I needed emergency assistance to hold us over until the first counseling session tomorrow, and you all have been a big help. It will be tough, but we both care and are determined to fix things, so we will get through it. I hope I can be posting a success story here in a few months; in the meantime, I'm sure I will be back with more questions....

You may have been to your counseling session already but here's my 2 cents in addition to the other great suggestions here.<P>I agree with JustLearning that SOMETHING was wrong in your marriage and your husband is partly responsible. My wife had the affair and when I look back I can see what I did to create the "emotional" distance between us that set her up for one. While she is the one who decided to have the affair, I did "assist" so to speak. It was important to me to understand why she could do this to me and I found out that, to a certain degree, I did this to myself. Since I recognize my role, I am committed to changing my behavior and attitudes. If my wife and I reconcile, I will know that we will be secure in our marriage since we will have eliminated the root causes of the problems.<P>You MUST determine what was missing from your marriage too. You husband will see what he did to contribute to the environment that allowed you to stray. If he is truly "blameless", you may find yourself in an unreconcilable position since he may never trust you again if you both believe it's "all your fault" (this oculd happen anyway).<P>Your H does have something that will help him through this though. That's a wife that willing to do what it takes to make amends. I hope and pray my wife ends up feeling the same as you do.<P>