My wife finally told me the whole story of what has been going on the past year. As far as I had known she saw the guy three or four times last February and then ended it when I found out in March. She told me at that time she was ready to work on the marriage. I caught her with him once at the end of May and again she was ready to work on the marriage and as far as I knew she hadn't seen him since. The truth is that she continued to she him in April and saw him several more times in May. She started seeing him again September and in October. Apparently she caught him cheating on her and his other girl friend this past Monday and has had a revelation and realized he's an [censored] hole and now she has decided to stay with me. Well yippy for me. The woman who spend the past year lieing to me and wasting a year of my life is for the third time in a year telling me she really wants to work on the marriage. This all sounds just great, but I'm not sure I want to be married to someone that treats me the way she treated me the past year anymore. Not sure what I will do. I told her this time it will be up to her to convince me why I should want to stay with her. I guess now I just wait and see what she will do.

TimJ -- At least you have got the "whole" story. W continues to skate the truth with me. Fortunately, I know more than she suspects. I would give anything for the "whole" story. I know it would hurt, but much less than the lies and deception.<P>Think about this....Maybe all of this has been a wakeup call to your W. Yes, she has spent the last year deceiving you, but at least she has now come clean. I'm not suggesting you trust her implicitly now, but at least give her the chance to rebuild the trust. You've stayed with her this long and thru this much, you can afford a little longer now that she's being honest with you.

Tim, <P>Speaking from her side of this mess, she probably never got through withdrawl, and over and over held on to the notion that she and the OM could *somehow* work it out together. You feel like second fiddle, and I understand that. But you may not have been, it's just that she's confused.<P>I did something similiar, although for a much shorter time, to my H. Three weeks to be exact. I jacked him around but good. Then, I was ready to work things out and he hasn't been really truly to let us since then - six months ago.<P>Give her a little time to get her head on straight. This may be the beginning of the end for her and the OM, and she needs to let him go, if even in her mind, to <B>truly</B> begin working at your marriage with you.<P>Hope this helps, it sounds kinda stupid when I read it and I have a headache. <P>------------------<BR>The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction, not a destination.<BR>-Carl Rogers<P>

I am so sorry for your pain and all you have been through this past year,<BR>I can give you little advice as in reality no matter what advice is given, you are the only one who can decide what is right for you, no-one else. You will have to put aside your anger etc and weigh up the pros and cons of "trying again. Read "Private Lies" by Frank Pitman and "After the Affair" as well as everything on this site.<P>While it is horrid to know that there are so many going through a similar experience, it is also comforting to know that you can turn to this site.<BR>Good luck for whatever you do...it is your decision to do whatever.

Hi TimJ,<P>I know how you feel when you refer to the "wasting" of a year. It seems like wasting but should be interpreted as building a "new and improved" you. <P>I am glad Val had an affair in a very sick and demented way. She had tried to tell me in the past of problems and I changed a bit and blew her off. Yes I was, repeat was a d!ckhead and didn't even know it till recently!<P>The reason I say I am glad is that I found this site. I have learned what my partner needs and wants from me as well as being a great H. I also was diagnosed with a chemical disorder upstairs and am on medication that has helped so much.<P>We have been together for 11 years. Separated for 9 months. This is a small price to pay for a lifetime of happiness that I thoroughly plan to enjoy with my beloved. I expect to be happily married for another 30 years. Then I will probably "[censored] the bed". [EMS term for dying]<P><P>------------------<BR>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic<P><BR>

Medic,<P>Little did you know that I am but an innocent in the EMS world of bed sh*tting... my delicate sensibilites have been thrown out the window! Humph!! <P> <P>------------------<BR>The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction, not a destination.<BR>-Carl Rogers<P>

Wow,<P>Thanks all for the quick responses.<P>Heartpain, good luck in finding out the whole story. For me what finally allowed me some peace was coming to the realization that there was nothing I could do about it if my wife was still seeing the guy. I also realized one way or anther the truth would come out. I am glad that it came out the way it did without me having to be the detective anymore.<P>New Beginning, I had a talk with my wife tonight and she finally opened up on her feelings and reasons for doing what she did. Our marriage had been bad prior to this year and she wanted someone to love. She hoped that sex with the other man was a way to find love. She finally realized that he was just an [censored] and that I had changed this past year. Hopefully now things will get better. Good luck to you.<P>Willbok, I am pretty sure that I am not ready to give up yet. Fortunately one of the things I have finally learned to do recent is get over the anger I had for what I did now. At least now I understand the process and hopefully it will be easier to get over the new anger. <P>Medic,<P>I too can understand why my wife started the affair in the first place. I did some pretty cruddy things to her in our marriage and don't blame her for starting the affair. What is tough though is that I realized this back in February and do believe I really have changed over the past year. That's what makes excepting the continued affair difficult. I do however have hope that now we can both really start working on making the marriage better. I do know the year hasn't been wasted and as you mentioned, I am in a sick way glad for what I have learned this year. I do think there are easier ways to learn. <P>Thanks all.