I have an issue I'd very much like opinions on. The issue is dealing with marital issues that involve someone that's deceased. <P>Wife went to individual counselling session Monday. Female counselor told my wife that she agreed that the affair probably started from my not meeting my wife's emotional needs. She also feels that the affair became solidified after the death of my wife's best friend of 25 years on Christmas eve, 1998. Counselor feels that my wife still harbors a deep seated anger towards me because I didn't particularly like her friend. Even though my wife's EN's are being met now, the counselor feels this deep seated anger is why she won't give up the OM.<P>Her friend would stay with us for a few days about once per year and my wife would go visit her friend at her home in Florida about once per year. Her friend was unmarried and had also been having an affair with a married man for several years. <P>I didn't like the way my wife acted towards me when she was with her friend. I felt there was a tendency to treat me in a disrespectful manner that I neither deserved nor provoked. Her response was "it's just the way girlfriends act". Oh, really??? I've never dissed my wife to my friends. Perhaps I should have discussed it with my wife at the time, but chose to tolerate the behavior for the little I was exposed to it.<P>So, how do I/she/we resolve an issue revolving around a relationship with her deceased friend? A little tough to improve my relationship with her friend now. Her counsellor didn't offer any specific suggestions, but it was their first meeting. I'd like to hear some other opinions, please.

Wow - I will be just as interested to hear what people say. I have a friend of 13 years that my husband also dislikes for similar reasons. My friend is rather promiscuous, is single, and generally leads a personal lifestyle that my husband disapproves of. He even half-blames her for my behavior when he and I were separated. He has recently even said something to the effect of "she will be dead soon anyway, so she won't be a problem" which was horrifying to me. She tries hard to be his friend but her sexual nature clouds everything for him.<P>He feels that when I am with her I will behave as she does... nevermind that I never behaved like her the entire time I knew her before I even met him. Anyway this will be good for me and I understand your situation... <P>------------------<BR>"I believe... this is heaven to no one else but me - and I'll defend it long as I can be left here to linger in silence if I choose to would you try to understand?" - Sarah McLachlan

FYI I am Monen's husband.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Monen:<BR>He has recently even said something to the effect of "she will be dead soon anyway, so she won't be a problem" which was horrifying to me. She tries hard to be his friend but her sexual nature clouds everything for him.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>What I said was 'I believe she will be dead in a year or two' and clarified further with 'because of the rowdy lifestyle that she chooses'. I personally like the girl. I feel that she sells herself short as far as her self worth and self esteme. It is angering to me because I can't talk with her about it because she and my wife are great friends and I don't want to wreak that.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>He feels that when I am with her I will behave as she does... nevermind that I never behaved like her the entire time I knew her before I even met him. Anyway this will be good for me and I understand your situation... <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I do believe that. She did behave similarly when they were friends before we met - and it is silly to deny it. So it does worry me now when they both go out.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I didn't like the way my wife acted towards me when she was with her friend. I felt there was a tendency to treat me in a disrespectful manner that I neither deserved nor provoked. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Actually sometimes this is a problem with her and this girl but not on a regular basis. But this this should be an interesting thread. <P>Now as far as TomH is concerned. Maybe there is some way that you could make amends with the friend and your wife. Talk with her about it and tell her your sincerity about clearing the air between the three of yall. Maybe a trip to the gravesite and someword/flowers might do the trick.<P>

I just want to apologize to TomH - I should give advice not hold discussions with my wife on your posting. Again I apologize

Sweetheart, why do you always feel the need to come in and start dissecting my post and telling your side??? It makes me feel like I need to clarify too, and then someone's post turns into our little world of arguing and they never get their darn question answered. It's REALLY annoying.<P>I NEVER behaved like my friend did. I behaved like MYSELF and the sheer numbers will tell you that. You know what I'm talking about. 40 as opposed to 8???? You cannot continue to blame my friends for actions or behaviors that I CHOOSE to demonstrate.<P>You don't like her and you've said so on several occasions. As far as you talking to her about things - people don't want to answer for their sex-lives to people they barely know. It's hard enough for her to tell ME some of the things she does. She doesn't want to discuss her actions with you.<P>I apologize to TomH - I hope you get some actual answers here. I hope I do too... <BR><P>------------------<BR>"I believe... this is heaven to no one else but me - and I'll defend it long as I can be left here to linger in silence if I choose to would you try to understand?" - Sarah McLachlan

Hi TomH -<P>I think the biggest problem that we can fall into when incorporating our opinions on our spouse's friends is that we quite often just communicate the disapproval and do not elaborate on the "why" of that disapproval.<P>More often than not - we react, whether that is out of fear, resentment, moral judgement or just plain old gut instinct.<P>It is easier to either make our feelings known negatively or to self-righteously "bite our tongues" and tolerate.<P>Neither approach is the correct one. <P>Expressing ourselves honestly is always preferred and should be expected...but there are ways to do so with love and tact and most importantly - a realization that if our spouse ( the person we love) sees something good in this person, perhaps we don't "see" beyond our own opinions.<P>Your situation is one that cannot be physically rectified with a changed interaction with her friend. All you can do at this point is apologize for not realizing how your judgements affected your wife and promise (along with demonstration if the circumstances ever arise again) to be more open and considerate with a loving communication in the future.<P>Perhaps showing her your writings here of your way of thinking then would help (or telling her of them).<P>Misinterpretations of each other's actions and words so often lead to pent up discord and frustration.....that is why we have to remember that our spouses are not in our heads and can't read all of our thoughts!!!<P>So remember to just explain the WHY and life gets clearer. Sometimes it really is as simple as that.<P>BIG HUGS and I hope that this can be one resentment that can be smoothed over with relative ease.<P>Sheba