Somethings wrong and I don't know what it is. My W adores me again and just this morning she told me she dosn't feel like she deserves a man like me. She asked me if I still loved her; she apologized for hurting me; and she asked me "your not going to leave me, are you?" I don't know what brought this on but I reassured her I would always love her and that I would never leave her. I have not threatened to leave her or asked her if she wants me out: that point we agreed to early on in the recovery. We agreed to stay together and to not bring up the subject of seperation unless we had exaushted all other options. To bring up the subject would be to cross the point of no return; there would be not staying together after the threat was made. She is still afraid I will leave and she does need reasuring from time to time so she still asks me if I love her and if I will stay with her always.<P>So I tell her I love her deeply and that I will never leave her.<P>But today I wonder if I am telling her the truth. The thought of her balled up in the corner of the bathroom crying herself hoarse the way I did .... there is a sadistic part of me that is wanting to cause her extream pain.<P>I'm wondering how much I can take. I have heard so many people tell me "once a cheater, always a cheater." I have worked on my own self to rebuild my self-worth, confidence and decisiveness that has been missing for so long that I don't want to risk looseing it again; especially considering the damage a re-kindled PA would bring me. Ironically, I am now fighting the decisiveness I have aquired in order to stave off my desire to call her later tonight and say "I'm at Amy's house. I won't be back till Saturday when I pack my Sh$#, so you can just consider me history."<P>And the evidence of her affair: I have a floppy full of e-mails, ICQ dialogs and a rather long letter I have written explaining everything that happend in great detail. She knows I snooped immideatly after discovery and she knows I have seen these things. She doesn't know I have a copy of them. ... I had actually intended to purge all this stuff some time back but I never did erase the floppy. .... another act of vengance I want to inflict on her is to e-mail these files to everyone in her address book. This would put it on several professional e-mail lists as well as all her family, co-workers and friends: there a quite a few gossips in that list for sure and they would have a field-day with this stuff.<P>All in all it would guarentee our total, permanent and unrevocable seperation. We would have no hope of even becoming friends again.<P>So why does this thought appeal to me?<P>Wednesday. God, whenever I feel like this it always happens on a Wednesday.<P>The anger still burns. It keeps me warm. I have even begun to draw comfort from it. I guess my journey to the dark side is almost complete.

Having a little bit of a hedevil day, huh? It's allright!!! As long as you work it through!!!<P>So, what happens on Wednesdays? Why is this a trigger day for anger? Hmmm?<P>You are rebuilding right? Then stick to the path of that and LET GO of the things that don't keep you on that path.<BR>That's the only way to do this. <P>What people say about cheaters...well, it can be very true if people don't attempt to fix their lives and just run from them. The BIG difference with your situation is that YOU know what needs to be done to achieve and maintain a great marriage....hopefully you are practicing this knowledge WITH your wife.<P>If this is what is being done then you need not fear what people say....for most of them have no clue what their potential is with a little effort!!!!<P>Go with your loving, enlightened and compassionate heart - instead of that peer pressured and insecure "hedevil" bipping in your ear!!!!!<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba<P>PS - A man's character is his destiny!!<BR>Be vengeful and you will end up wallowing in it......be compassionate and you will be rewarded in kind.

Hey Joe, I agree with SHeba but I share your sentiments with the "what if it were on the other shoe". Probably this is the best outlet for those feelings of yours. Keep enjoying your wife and your marraige....<P>

Joe in Tx,<P>Perhaps you should consider telling your W how you feel about this sometimes. It hasn't been that long ago that you two began recovery. Harley and the experts claim it takes up to two years. I suspect it takes that length of time to get rid of the demons.<P>I guess I would recommend that you tell your W, that your intent is to love her and remain married to her, but that there are times when you feel the need for revenge soo bad. You fight it down because you don't really want revenge but still there is a seductiveness to the idea. I suspect she will understand. <BR>From her questioning, I'll bet she knows that all cannot be going as smoothly as you are letting on. She may even sense that there are times when the idea of blowing the place up and leaving sounds soo sweet.<P>So talk with her about this. Maybe by getting it out, some of the feelings will be defused and you will feel better. She may be able to help you with them as well.<P>Finally, I know what is really required and so do you. That four letter word: "Time".<P>Hope this helps.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<p>[This message has been edited by Just Learning (edited May 17, 2000).]

Hey, Joe!<P>Is Wednesday extra stressful for you in general (non-marriage related)? Is that why you get a little more on edge on Wednesday? I think it's natural for external stressors amplify the feelings of hurt. At those times it's probably important to identify what those stressors are and to see the effect they have on all of your emotions. Difficult to do, I know.<P>It could be, as JL said, that your wife is sensing your mood and that is why she is asking for reassurance. Perhaps discussing it with her (at a time when your not feeling quite so vindictive) is a good idea. Or perhaps not. It could diffuse the feelings or it could amplify her insecurity.<P>Have you noticed a frequency pattern for when you feel this way? You said it always seems to happen on Wednesday. What else is going on in your life in the middle of the week? Does it happen EVERY Wednesday? Was it every Wednesday before and now it's only every OTHER Wednesday? That would actually be a good sign. It's still happening but less frequently. If it's happening more frequently, you should look into some individual counseling if you haven't already. You need to find a way to move throught the pain and anger and not get stuck there. It can be very tempting to get stuck there. But also very destructive.<P>One more thought - was discovery day a Wednesday?

Sheba,<BR>Thanks. I needed that.<BR>Why does simple human contact make everything seem so much easier to deal with?<P>JL, <BR>when you said to tell her my gut reaction was "but that would hurt her to know I feel like this." Which made me look at the stupidity of not telling her: I might give in to temptation and wind up leaving her an emotional cripple and a social outcast because I didn't want to risk bringing her a little guilt.<P>I promise, I'll talk to her tomarrow. Not tonight; we always seem to fight about it on Wednesday nights. .... I'm looking for why that would be a trigger, but I just don't know.

I can't add much here. Except I know how you feel. I posted a naked picture of my wife on the internet shortly after she left. It is still out there somewhere.

Truth,<BR>D-day was around midnight to 1:00AM Sunday morning, Feb 27, 2000.<P>I get the little paranoid fears, doubts and anger on other days as well. But if it is a truely bad day, it will be Wednesday. Not evey Wednesday though, sometimes it's just another day.<P>The only thing I can think of is that W had a night class on Wednesday so I didn't get to see her from the time she left for work until 9:30 that night. Just after D-day these were very stressful days. One time I drove to the college when I got out of work and sat in my car looking at her car for 4 hours waiting for her to get out of class.<P>It was also the second Wednesday night after D-day that or son found out about her A. Long story there, maybe I'll tell you about it sometime. In a nutshell, W told me she had talked to son after he heard us fighting on D-day. On Wednesday while W was at class, son tells me knew everything and that if I ever needed to talk, he was there for me. After I spill my guts to him, he tels me this is nthing like what W had told him. That night was the closest I came to actually leaving (I went back home at 2:00AM) and is the argument that ended with the agreement of "no seperation threats".<P>Maybe I have just set myself up a pattern and now I have to break it. I just know I hate feeling this way; it dosn't fit with the warm, kind, gentle, loving and humble man that I really am.

It's quite possible that you have unconsciously conditioned yourself to be angry on Wednesday. I'm not sure how to go about breaking the pattern. I guess just being aware of it will help. Perhaps keeping a journal of times when you feel like this and what happened when you started to feel that way. It might help you to identify the triggers and address them.<P>Maybe try to find a way to substitute something that triggers positive feelings at those times to counteract it.<P>Just brainstorming a bit...