I have tried to NOT ask about OP and the situation for the past 4 months. Unfortunately I have gotton phone calls from OP's H telling be all kinds of stuff. I have always gently told my H the things that I found disrespectful, but Have tried not to lose it .(though I think I got sad or cried on one or two occasions....usually regarding lies.)<P>Tonight is no exception. H and I had been progressing rather well until Op threw the gauntlet down and threatened to and then moved out on H (on mother's day---she is more sick than my H). <P>I have already told my H I prefer he not explore a relationship (PA ) unless we are not married. Call me oldfashioned!!! Now that she has moved out he seems more distant...upset....definately NOT happy. <P>From what I can tell from OP's H...she is dictating and plotting out what is said to either of us or to anyone else..It was also she who told their office staff (whom had known me for 8 years and had seen me and my children in the office frequently) that my H moved out due to long standing problems!!!!<P>Now I was kept in the dark re: these issues, but did plan A and tried to meet those needs despite his moving out 3 months ago.<P>NOw we go to counseling jointly for the first time and H can NOT talk (not surprising) about the "issue" even though the counselor says it has to be on the table. Alll H can say is that we haven't talked for 2 years (at least its down from the whole marraige) He can't come up with any specific exambles and tells the counselor he doesn't remember a lot of things. <P>H tells me he doesn't want a D, then tells counselor he sees us heading in that direction and just wants to learn how to talk civily to me.....(seems everything I say bugs him!!!!)<P>Mind you, we have moved to 4 different jobs due to previous job or people in the job causing H unhappiness....now he likes the job but me and the kids are the problem. I know he is depressed. He is in therapy but will not admit to depression and is the kind of person who wants to try to figure out things on his own.<P>Tonight, because of probably feeling down about the counseling and because OP' H called re: her moving out, I basically told my H that he needed to start to talk about it and get off the fence. I did tell him I love him and miss him and am willing to do what it takes to make this a better marraige, but It was painful for me to sit in limbo knowing that they both have their freedom to do what they want, and the security of their children to see when they want to. I told him I needed to do for myself what I needed to remain sane to take care of the kids. <P>I suppose it could look like pushing. But he's got to get off the fence. He still may feel the pull. I know it is the feeling he gets working with her, not her. He has already lost the respect of his colleagues, family and friends due to this.. And being with her has brought out the worse in him. Prior to her he was a kind, conciderate H and father......I see his pain, I feel his pain....I don't know where to go next.,<P>He has apologized for hurting me. But will not go any further. I told him I was afraid we wouldn't be able to deal with our issues with her in the picture in any way....friend....coworker...other......<P>That will be the most depressing thing for him in the end. To think he is "in love" with her. To not want to marry, but live in separate apts. trying to hide the situation that everyone knows about and disapproves of. I don't imagine him pulling it off.<P>Yet he can't see what we had...He refuses to look at photos of prior to the "event".....<P>I want to write him a letter. I wish he would pray. In the beginning he told me he was evil....I really feel if there was some way prayer would open his heart....he'd stop being blind. <P>Any good suggestions on getting him to think along those lines?????? He is so lost!!!!!

My H didn't live with the OW, but much of what he said sounds like your H, including depression, wanting to handle it on his own, feeling he was evil.<P>Your main strength lies in prayer and utterly releasing your H to God. My H hit bottom...I refused to be there for him (this was after 18 months of Plan A, but I didn't get into Plan B). He finally contacted our Christian counselor and continues to turn his life around, has talked to our pastor, goes to church, goes to a men's Bible study, has other Christian men to hold him accountable. And he no longer believes he is evil. If you want to see his posts, he posted under the name Guard, back in February. We're still separated, but there is hope for our marriage. <P>I don't know if you've been to the WOMEN'S BIBLE STUDY forum here on MB, but it is a powerful group of women studying and praying.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Hi too:<BR>Sorry to read your post this morning. I always looked up to your situation for hope. As you know our stories are so similiar and my h is behaving in the same way. <P>I think at this point, what we need to do is do our best to get on with our lives. I hate to see my h in pain. He too has lost all the respect he had with his family, friends and colleagues. He has a very hard time taking to me. He also says this is all his fault and it had nothing to do with me. When it comes to the ow he just can't control himself. It truly is an illness. He wants to go to counseling together to learn how to be civil to each other for the kids sake. I told him I would go but I want an answer from him as to why he did this to us.<P>My h is living with ow. How he can relax and be comfortable in a home that is not his with 3 teenage kids around is beyond me. <P>Have your kids been around the OW? Are you going to let that happen? I am fighting to make sure my kids go no where near her. That would truly kill me. <P>I am the one who can not remember all the good times we had. I am not sure what my h remembers. I think I just blocked them out so it would not be so painful. You see I always thought our marriage was the best and now that it is being ripped away from me for no reason other then I'm drawn to her, It make it hard to remember the good times. Or you begin to doubt what you thought was a good time. <P>My sister called me this morning to tell me for the past two nights that she had a dream that my h died a very violent death. She is convinced something big is going to happen. She is the type to dream something and with in days something happens to that person. <BR>Perhaps the OW will finally get to him...<P>My biggest fear is that he will never admit what he did and will stay with her just to prove everyone wrong. <P>I also believe my h is depressed. But, until he is the one to wants to get the help, there really is nothing I can do for him.<BR>I am putting this situation in Gods hands for now. <P>I'll be thinking about you. I would love to be able to talk to you on the phone. I am certain we would be able to help each other out. If you want to e mail me your phone number you can reach me at MULVY9@aol.com I'll give you a call. Just let me know what time is good for you. I am on the East coast..<BR>