Well this Saturday will be a year since I found out about the affair. I don't even think Mark realizes what day it is. It doesn't mean the same thing to him that it does to me. I am having such an internal battle with myself over this. Part of me just wants to give up and end things. Move on with my life, try and find some happiness in this world. But then there is the side of me that can't imagine my life without Mark there to share it with me. This has been the longest and shortest, the best and worst year of my life. I have grown so much, and made so many wonderful changes to myself. For that I am thankful. I understand that he is afraid that I may get sick again, or that the marriage will be like it was. I don't want either of those things to happen myself. But sometimes you just have to jump off the bridge and build your wings on the way down. <BR>I'm really not sure where I'm going with this. My thoughts and feelings are all jumbled up inside. I can't seem to make heads or tails of them. I am so tired emotionally. I really don't know how much more of this I can take. <BR>Well, thanks for letting me vent. <BR><P>------------------<BR>You can't live with them, you can't kill them.<BR>*Viki

Hang in there...I do not know your story, but I do know it is tough when you are feeling so exhausted. And, Saturday is sure to be a trigger. Be sure to take care of yourself, be nice to yourself, maybe plan something fun/distracting to do with a friend...<P>Kathi

Thanks Kathi. I've been trying to come up with something to take up my day Saturday. So far my mind is blank. I'll keep trying. Thanks for the support.<P>------------------<BR>You can't live with them, you can't kill them.<BR>*Viki

How about a massage and a new haircut? Dinner and a movie with a friend? <BR>I know it is hard to imagine enjoying anything right now, but think about the things you normally would enjoy...

pondvj,<P>If yuo think you are up to the challenge, my suggestion is to do something very special, very memorable <B>for</B> Mark and yourself (even if he doesn't deserve it). <P>I don't know what that would be - but make it fun and out of the ordinary. <P>The logic here is this: <B>take back ownership of this date</B>. From now on this should be the anniversary of that great day you and Mark spent doing...whatever, not the anniversary of the breaking of your heart. <P>Don't give the OW (or infidelity) such power over you that she can <B>own</B> dates in your life. If he is with <B>you</B> instead of her, you have the power to start making her memory begin to fade bit by bit.<P>I remember an old cartoon that said "We're outnumbered, outgunned, and the odds are against us. When do we attack?!"<P>Take heart Viki - don't let this anniversary shrivel you up! Attack!!!!<P>------------------<BR>But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.<BR>Galatians 5:22-23

2sad4words,<BR>I would love to spend the day with Mark, but he has to work and even if he didn't have to, he would come up with some other reason why he could not. Believe me, I would love to take back the day, I just don't see that happening.<P>Kam,<BR>Boy could I use a massage. I just might do that one. That would at least be an hour gone. <P>------------------<BR>You can't live with them, you can't kill them.<BR>*Viki

For a couple more hours...check out a day spa, most of them offer massage, then you could go for a facial, aromatheraphy, manicure, pedicure, vibrating/heated space capsule thingie, whatever they've got.<P>Hiking is also very good for me, but I live by mountains. I sometimes take a backpack with a journal, inspirational type book and try to find the most beautiful peaceful place to just "be". A place with a stream, high up does it for me.<P>I think it is easy to forget how to nourish ourselves when we've been plugging away at Plan A for what seems forever. Whatever you do, do it for you and put the OW completely out of your mind. Mark as well, if it helps.<P><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Viki,<P><BR>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Viki}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Praying for you and thinking of you><P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Viki}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole

(((((viki)))))<BR>i hate anniversaries, too, and since H won't give OW up, they just seem to keep piling up. i look to my past, for days that might have been happier.<BR>like, he took OW out for barbeque on my birthday last year, but i can remember my birthday when i turned 17 and spent it having a great day with my boyfriend.<BR>no, OW doesn't get to own my days anymore!

I'm gonna try my best tomorrow. My son is going to spend a couple of hours with his grandparents and I'm still not sure what I'm going to do with myself, but I'll find something (even if it kills me)<P>Thanks for the advice and hugs. You guys are the best.<P>------------------<BR>You can't live with them, you can't kill them.<BR>*Viki