Ok, this is where I am going to bear my heart and soul to that hopefully the rest of you can gain some strength.<P>My H's affair began in 10/98 and lasted until 5/99. We separated right after the discovery in 11/98. We started living together again in 3/98.<P>During this time, my H told me that he didn't love but loved the OW, that his future was with her, they took a vacation together, planned to be married and were even buying a house together. A dream of ours I might add being fulfilled with OW and not me and our children.<P>There were so many hurtful and damaging things said and all along he would still have sexual relations with me, I felt like a yo-yo.<P>There was one lie after another and friends would give me details that hurt too. Everything hurt. Seeing him, not seeing him, talking to him, not talking to him everything!!!<P>It came to the point where I didn't think that I ever knew him at all, and it ws real comical when he once said that I knew him and that I should have known better.<P>We had terrible fights verbal and physical, I even had him arrested and put in jail. I made a complete fool out of myself more than once.<P>I made a scene down from the OW's house one time while he and the OW were on there way out on a date and told her all sorts of things that he had said right to her face and right in front of him.<P>This was quite out of character and to be perfectly hojnest he did not know what to think about any of it.<P>There were so many times that I would act impulsively and regret it later thinking that I had ruined any chance I ever may have had of getting my H back and keeping our family together.<P>He would lie to the children, tell the children about the OW and how much she wanted to meet them, he would stand them up, he didn't show up for the holidays. I remember last year when I put the X-mas tree up, I told the tree that next year things would be as they should be. Can you imagine me talkng to a box with a tree in it as if I was comforting a tree. Totally out there.<P>I didn't file for a divorce but I did file for custody, child support and alimony and I got it all. The judge even told my H that he could not have hs children stay over night at his house if there were any members of the opposite sex there that he was not married to, it was some kind of a morality staute. That really put a crimp in the plans they had made.<P>You name it I've done it, said it, and felt it.<P>Now we are doing well. Not all of the resentment is gone but most is. It takes plenty of time and it is hard but we all can do it.<P>I had really gotten to the point were I had become hopeless, even our daughter told me that Daddy didn't love me and that he was never coming home again. That was the opinion of many espeially after they heard all the details of his cruelty.<P>But still I had a hard time believing that all of those years had been a lie and that through it all I never knew my H, but that is how it felt.<P>He was like a stranger, like he was possessed. It looked like my H and his voice sounded the same but he didn't act like my H nor did he speak like my H. It was very confusing.<P>We get discouraged and we feel like giving up but if we love our spouses we CAN'T do that even if we wanted to we just talk about it.<P>So many nights I would sit up trying so hard to figure it out but it only drove me crazy.<P>We were both hospitalized due to our emotional state andit was strange how it happened. I was put in the hospital 1st and he didn't seem to care at all. But then a few months later when his fantasy world fell apart and he saw OW with OM he too was hospitalized. Its strange how things come back on you.<P>We love our SO and as part of the human nature of things we want them back and we want to help them see what a HUGE mistake they are making but I will tell you something we can't tell them anything, they have to find that out on thier own and most do.<P>Even after all my H said and did and as deliberately cruel as he was, he now can't understand what in the world he was thinking. He says that he remembers how bad he felt but that he can't remember what the attraction was and that he was not in his right mind.<P>Things still come up from time to time but not nearly as much as it used to but when thing would re: things he had said and done, he hates it. It makes him feel really stupid. He says that he wishes he could take it all back but he knows that he can't but he wishes and doesn't think things should be held against him because he wasn't in his right mind but at the same time he is very understandable to my pain.<P>Please people know that this really does run its course in most cases and a marriage can definately survive and be better for having gone through it.<P>I know I have been on this soap box but I just want so badly to help all here because I do know how many of you feel, truly I do and I also know how hard it is.<P>I know it sounds easier said than done, and that many don't feel like they can do what they know they should, and that you are also afraid to believe and to have faith that it will work out but you must have the right frame of mind and be smarter than they are.<BR>This site offers a wonderful information and support and I will be glad to help anyone who wants my help.<P>There is a trick to this whole mess...<P>Do the unexpected. Now what I mean is that when we do a 180 degree turnabout it works on them just the same as it did for us when they did a 180. Surviving an Affair was a great book to read but I think that another book that helped me even a little more wa Divorce Busting, I really do highly recommend it.<P>I merged several philosophies together and accomplished my goal. This book deals directly with the 180 turnaround that needs to be made. The point is that if you react in the way you always do it is expected and the reaction from your spouse will also be as they always do. It is a cycle that you must break. If you approlach things in a different manner then you force them to also. That way things are not so automatic. We often are in a autopilot and keep repeating the same things over and over.<P>Once you get the ball rolling you will see things changing. They become very curious as to what has happened to bring about this change in you but you have to be consistant for it to work because you will be tested to see if it is just an act or if they can push your buttons. When they realize they can't, they become a little un-nerved and insecure themselves and before you know the tables have turned.<P>Keep the faith and believe in yourselves, if I can do it believe me anybody can because I let this whole thing totally consume me, I was obsessed!!! I lost alot because I fell apart totally.<P>I pray that I can be a ray of light in someones life and give them the encouragement and words of strength they need to undertake this task.<P>Genie

WOW, that was a great story. I also read a reply you made to another post. It has helped me see what I need to do to try and save things.<P>Thanks, you are a ray of light.<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>

Thanks for the hope. Now I am trying to see what I can do different. Or maybe I already have. When H walked out the door. I put the house ofr sale, resigned my job and moved out of town. I have not talked to him for three months. I have written short notes but have not even asked him to come back. I have left him alone with his OW. Maybe after all the talking and tears this is a 180.<P>I don't know but again thank you for letting hope shine through.<P>I do have one question when you were separated did you see each other? I was wondering how you handled or he handled not seeing each other? If being completely out of the picture for awhile helps.<P>------------------<BR>di<P><p>[This message has been edited by SDS (edited December 05, 1999).]

Thanks Coach!<P>I'm gonna try my best. And white knuckle my way through the frustrations and anger when I'm around her.<P>I have divorse busting and will look at it more intently.<P>Thanks,<BR>Bill

brown...<P>Yes we did see each other, usually a couple of times a week. It was very hard and I lovebusted all over the place but I also made a few deposits I guess.<P>Since my H & I have reconciled I have shared the whole love units thing with him and now he will kid me about it when he says something sweet, asking if he deposited any units this time? LOL<P>But at some points in this whole thing I think that less contact would have been better.<P>If you have not spoke to him at all really in 3 months, do you have any idea what the status of his affair or how life is going with him? This would be of great insight for me.<BR>Genie

Gennie,<P>I wish you the best and want to thank you again, your reply really helped me.<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR>If someone hurts you, betrays you or breaks your heart, forgive them because they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart to.

Genie, I'm really glad I read your story <BR>It's quite interesting specially for me, because it ressembles mine in many ways, we seemed to have reached the same conclusions, and with the same results. Something must be right in there.<BR>There are some differences, for instance I didn't leave, although my H did pack his suitcase and had it in the car.But most of what you wrote up to there looks quite similar. My H's affair went from June 98 to october/98, although there was still some contact in November. <BR>Surprises seem to play an interesting role in the whole thing. At first my H was just surprised, after a while he was so curious to see what was coming next ( and the best part is that even after recovery we can continue the surprises ).<BR>I find it is also important to let the betrayer make his/her choice without trying to make it for him or her, I posted about this before, maybe if I had pushed my H harder he would have decided faster, but then, whenever something went wrong it was possible that he would blame it on me for making a rush decision. I felt better waiting for him to make this decision by himself, and more confident too .<BR>By changing many things in me, I didn't become another person, just "me with something else to discover" which is what brings people together in the first place <BR>So I'm really glad to read your story and see that it didn't work only with me.<BR>By the way, I learned by trial and error, but one of most important things I discovered was that the less I brought up the subject or the ow, the more progress I got. Did you experience the same ?<BR>Take care<BR>Kat<BR><P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

WOW Genie29,<BR> Your post just gave me chills!! I was just going to turn in and I found it. I have been feeling that I'm just going to give up lately because of SOME OF THE EXACT things in your post!! <BR>1)W & OM are trying to buy a house together<BR>2)The lies of course (to me AND OM)<BR>3)ALL the I love him stuff the hurt the pain etc..<BR> But the thing that gave me the chills was what you said about your D's comments!!<P> THAT gave me chills!! Because I am in Las Vegas because my D got married last night. (W didn't even come so OM wouldn't get jealous!!) <P> When we were dancing high above the Vegas strip, she told me how happy she was she had gottne married this way. I said "Well, if I ever get married again I think I'll do it this way" I was also thinking IF W and I ever RENEW our vows.... so I said "Unless your mother smartens up" D said, "She won't"<P> I don't know WHY it hurt so much but, it really really did. So you can see why your post made me feel that "Someone" was talking right to ME!! Can you email me? I have something I'd like to ask you and I don't want to ruin the GREAT post. darrt@prodigy.net THANKS FRANK<P>------------------<BR>desperate<BR>"If yesterday didn't stop today, Why should TODAY stop tomorrow??" <BR>"Wisdom is why!!"<P>

Genie,<BR>I am so VERY happy for you! I have been around this board for over a year now and I so completely remember your whole story. I remember so many times thinking - "I don't know how she holds on!" and I am so glad that you did!<P>I dont know if you remember me at all - but my H and I are doing great. We are actually trying to get pregnant with number 2 now and things are wonderful. It's true that things can be OK.<P>Best of luck to you!<P>------------------<BR>To err is human<BR>To forgive is divine

Hi Genie, I've often wondered how you are and I am so glad you are doing well.<P>I'm just envious because you (and Kat too for that matter) got out of the mess so quickly... (my H's affair 4/98 ongoing sporadically until at least 10/99, just moved home for the 6th time...)<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P><BR>

I am so tickled to hear from so many of my old friends here on the forum and especially to har how well they are doing too. <P>BoyAmIScared...<BR>Congradulations and trying for #2, that is great, isn't it fun? LOL <P>Lor...<BR>I am glad you thought it was so quick, but I'll tell you something I sure didn't. I didn't know how I could've hung on much longer. It was the most hellish time of my entire life and a trial I pray I never relive.<P>Glad to hear you are doing well too.<P>I am so proud of all of us.<P>A year ago none of us could imagine being here where we are today, it ws a dream that we wanted so badly but was terrified wouldn't come true but we hung in there and look at us now.<P>********************************************<P>See everybody, even as tough as it is and even though it seems that this hell will never end, it does and we are living proof. That alone should life your spirits quite a bit.<P>Genie