After several anxiety attacks recently, I talked to a pastor yesterday who felt that my attacks were caused by guilt from a one-night fling 8 years ago. <P>The pastor felt that our 12-year marriage was strong enough to clear the air with my wife, but after doing so yesterday, I'm not so sure.<P>I have always loved my wife very much and regret what I have done to hurt her. She is not only hurt by the act itself, but by the fact that I told her about the infidelity "to make myself feel better". She said she has never felt so alone and has no one to talk to about it.<P>I desperately want to work this out with her but she says she doesn't know if she can. I'm terrified that she's going to end our marriage. Any advice on how I can start rebuilding our marriage and her trust in me would be greatly appreciated.

redman,<P>While I'm in complete agreement with you being honest with your spouse, it doesn't sound like your pastor had much of a plan for this. I'd suggest that you start counseling with a more qualified marriage counselor (I've used the phone counseling with Steve Harley here with great success).<P>Your wife is in shock right now. Be tender, compassionate, and loving---on her terms. Do not defend yourself. If she needs a place to talk and vent her frustrations, this forum can be an excellent place.<P>And when she's ready, you should ask her how you can rebuild the trust. If you buy a copy of "Surviving an Affair", there's a plan for reestablishing trust after an affair. Becuase yours was long ago, I think it's more appropriate that you work on following Harley's Four Rules for a Successful Marriage.

It has only been one day since your wife found out about the affair you had?? There's no way to know right now if your marriage was strong enough to handle this, much too soon.<BR>To rebuild trust, you need to prove yourself and work very hard. Be honest, about anything and everything. Don't even lie about other things that have nothing to do with the affair. ( If he lies about one thing, he can lie about others )<BR>Let her know ( if this is the case )that she is the only one you want, and show it.Don't be sneaky.Be an open book.If you start hiding anything from her now, and she finds out,your'e back to square one. Tell her where you are going, who your with, when you will be back. And be ready to prove it.<BR>If you love her, tell her, and often, and show it all the time, by being understanding of her hurt, her anger, her feelings of being betrayed.And being really good to her. Please know that you are just starting on the road to recovery, it is a long road, and if you truly love her and want her, then you have to ride this out.<BR>May I also suggest possibly counseling or some books that could help you.Visit this site, look around, it helps.<p>[This message has been edited by patty co (edited August 23, 1999).]

redman<BR>I agree that honesty is the best policy, but you also need some qualified help in dealing with the fallout from the honesty and the issues in your marriage that existed prior to the affair and may still exist now.<P>I am a Christian and a sincere believer in the appropriate time for pastoral counseling, but many pastors are not adequately trained in the kind of marriage and family therapy you need right now. Certainly continue to seek spiritual and prayer support from him, but I would encourage you to seek your pastor's guidance in finding a good Christian marriage counselor in your area who can help you and your wife weather this storm. Your willingness to seek counseling with her will be a big step in the rebuilding process. <P>There is a wonderful book titled Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. It is well written with concrete advice on how to work through this crisis. Added to that, it is also scripturally sound. It is my personal favorite for the couple rebuilding after an affair. It is an excellent read for both the wounded and unfaithful spouse.<P>As for rebuilding trust with your wife......<BR>Understand that her world has been turned totally upside down by your confession. Everything she thought was real and normal is suddenly in question. Her self-esteem and vision of herself have been ripped apart. She is experiencing agonizing physical pain.....it is very real to the wounded spouse. She isn't going to eat or sleep much for the next few weeks.....food may make her physically ill. She will experience wild mood swings....from extreme anger to extreme passion....all in a matter of minutes. She will want to know every minute detail of the encounter and will question every word you say, looking for hidden meanings or a lack of honesty.<P>How do you deal with this? You stand there like a man and you look her in the eye and you take it. You tell her in word and in action how sorry you are for the fact and the way you betrayed her. Don't defend your actions or try to make this her fault. If you sincerely mean it, you apologize....on your knees if that is what God leads you to do. I know with total certainty that my husband's humbling himself on his knees before me to apologize was a big step in our healing. You cry with her and you share her pain. You tell her in word and in action that you love her and want your marriage to be restored and rebuilt into something magnificent. You pray with her and for her and let her know that you are praying. You can't fix what was broken and you can't make up for it....what's done is done.....but you can heal and be happy and content.<P>Your wife is angry and hurt right now.....try very hard to hang on to your own emotions and ability to think rationally. Don't make any decisions in haste or anger. Cling to God and His promise of grace and restoration to those who love Him and follow His word. You can weather this storm and come out stronger than you've ever been. <P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31<P><BR>

I was HORRIFIED when i heard my H tell me the truth about certain aspects of his affair. I thought he must be torturing me on purpose. Why didn't he just keep it a secret and spare my feelings?<BR>Well, it has taken a few months to get over, but i am actually glad it happened. Having secrets between us was much worse than the open truth.<BR>I'm still angry, and i can still barely trust him, but there are obvious signs we are recovering.<BR>follow the advice you've gotten already, it will really help.<BR>good luck.<P>------------------<BR>for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part.<P><BR>

Redman,<BR> The fling was a long time ago for you, for your w it just happened. Try to keep that in mind, pretend it just happened and she found out, because the time that has passed does not exist for her. Now you have to deal with ALL the emotions not only the affair but also the fact that she knows you kept it from her for so many years. That is the same as lieing to her everyday for years, I know that may not make a lot of sence to you, but its the way it is. She hurts and nothing will take it away you don't have a time machine to go back and undo the deed, so the only thing you can do is let her do what she needs to do. And get counseling right away. For both of you.<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

Redman -<P>You've gotten very good advice here. Please take it to heart and follow it.<P>The only other thing I can add is this thought:<P>If my H told me about a one night fling that happened 8 years ago - I would want to know Why you chose to do it, what was wrong with me or marriage that you chose to do it, How it happened and how come I didn't realize it, Why you didn't talk with me about any problem that led you to it and why did it take so long to tell me. Depending on the answers - I might want to know if you have been tempted since and why did it come up now with anxiety attacks? Are you tempted now?<P>Just a little of what you might want to prepare yourself for. I don't know your wife - so I can't give you exacts. I am not the type to dwell on Her and my own self esteem - I'm more the us and honesty dweller.<P>Good luck to you both and have patience understanding and answers!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

I sincerely appreciate all of your help. It gives me some glimmers of hope in what is a very desperate situation. <P>I am going to a counselor for the first time on Thursday. I hope my wife will eventually to go with me, as well. She says she's disgusted at the sight of me now and the only reason she hasn't thrown me out is for our daughter's sake. <P>It's unbearable now. My wife moved to the couch Sunday night when I went upstairs to go to bed, and last night, she stuffed my pillow away in the closet. This morning, she wouldn't let me make our daughter's lunch because she didn't want to give me the satisfaction of helping her with anything. She refuses to be in the same room with me unless she absolutely has to be.<P>We talked about the situation a little yesterday, and she said that she's trying hard to cope with this, but she doesn't know if she's going to be able to forgive me and stay in the marriage. I'd like her to look at this forum, because she feels like there is no one she can talk to, but I'm afraid she'll get even angrier at me for sharing our problems with "strangers". <P>I've always followed some of the advice here, such as being sure to tell her when I'm going somewhere (it takes on greater urgency now) and telling her I love her, but I think it's annoying her more than anything. I really want to talk to her more, but I feel paralyzed because everything I say and do just looks hollow and manipulative to her. <P>She is the only person I want to be with. I love her very much and don't know how I would live without her.<P>Sheba:<BR>To answer your question about why this came up in the anxiety attacks now after so many years, I think it has a lot to do with my strained relationship with my father.<P>I had my first anxiety attack a few weeks ago when my best friend's father died suddenly and my best friend told me to always tell loved ones how much they mean to you because you never know when your last chance is going to be.<P>I didn't put that together with my anxiety attacks until last Friday, when my wife mentioned that my best friend's father's death might have brought all of the anxiety of my strained relationship with my father to the forefront. <P>I stopped talking to my father five years ago. He's an alcoholic who left my mother 20 years ago. Six years ago, he moved cross-country, presumably for treatment. My father has not divorced my mother and has always given her a little hope that he would someday return. I stopped talking to him when I found out he had moved cross-country with his girlfriend.<P>When my wife mentioned that my strained relationship with my father might be behind the anxiety attacks, I just broke down. I think in the back of my mind I must have realized that I had shut my father out for something I had done to my wife myself, and I think that's what caused the anxiety attacks and brought me to the point that I felt I had to tell my wife about my encounter with another woman. <P>I only hope now that she will be willing to try to work through this with me.

redman<BR>Patience is the key right now. Your wife is angry and hurt and confused and she is acting out of those emotions. Since she is not acting rationally, it is more imperative that you try to.<P>I would suggest trying to be supportive and loving, but also giving her some room right now. Don't hover over her or act in a way that may seem out of character for you....this might seem insincere even if you mean it from your heart. Be sure and steady and let her know that you are ready and willing to work to heal this hurt and build a new and stronger marriage. Your going to counseling alone is a great beginning.....I encourage you to make sure your counselor knows that you want to rebuild your marriage and that you want to deal with your own personal issues as well.<P><P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31<P><BR>