He left today.<P>We decided to seperate 2 weeks ago, after my discovery of his 2yr affair. Since then, he has been staying wherever he could find a place, including here at home for the last 3 nights. This morning he is moving into his apartment. We hugged and cried. I gave him his favorite pillow. He took only a small tv set, his clothes, golf clubs.<P>I need strength. I am so afraid that he will never, ever walk back in this door to stay. My kids are all just so confused. Found a note dtr wrote to a friend talking about suicide (she's 14). Got her to my counselor immediatley. Kids and I are going back next week, but H...nope, won't go. Please pray for me that I can get my 17yo son to go to the counselor, he's in so much pain. He graduated High School last week, and will always remember it as a sad time I'm afraid.<P>H and I talk a lot. He swears it's over with OP, and I believe him. I have found a ton of evidence of his meetings with OW, and there has been nothing for months, other than a meeting in April...he says this was a "recap" for them, there was nothing there. I pray that he does not pick up that phone when he is feeling weak. But I've also learned that I can not control this. It went on for two years under my nose and I couldn't control it. <P>The night of discovery he begged my forgiveness, begged me to let him stay home, told me he loved me. The next day, he was cold as stone, and said he wanted a seperation. I agreed as the pressure of having him here is too much. I cannot let him see the stages of grief I am going through.<P>I get so much inspiration from the people that post here. This fear I have seems overwhelming right now. I am scared to death that last night was the last time I will sleep in the same bed as my H. I am inspired to use Plan A to work on myself. I need to search for the woman I used to be. I have stayed home with my children all these years, and have no job. Is that a good place to start, or will my getting a job mess up my kids more at a time when they need stability?<P>You have all helped me feel like I am not alone. Reading your posts make me heal and suffer at the same time. What is wrong with these people? Please stay with me my friends, because I need you all so much right now. I'm afraid to hope.<P>allison<P>

{{{{{{{{{{allison}}}}}}}}},<P>You have my most profound sympathy.<P>I will remember the day my W left forever... 8 months 23 days ago. <P>I'm not going to leave you...<BR>I know you're hurting badly... sorry for yesterdays reply to Believe's post...<BR>I know you <B>really</B> hurt today.<P>My 17 year old is starting to get in worse and worse shape too...<BR>... the anger in him every time after a visitation when she leaves... it's like that day she left the first time.<P>You are wise in getting (or trying to get) all of your kids to counseling...<BR>I was saddened to no end in Bozos_Deb's post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum19/HTML/000305.html" TARGET=_blank>Horrible situation, please pray.</A> post.<P>My prayers are really with you now.<P> <P>Jim

Allison, I truly share your pain. I cannot believe I am still here in this house without my H and no signs of resolution.<P>We have been together 13 years...I have photos (which he refuses to look at) of last summer when he is happy. He hasn't looked like that since the trip with OP in November. I have been living a surreal existance.<P>Perhaps this has been going on for a long time with my H and his coworker. I wouldn't be surprised.. She has always callled herself the "office wife" and if her H is any indication, she has a tendency to manipulate and controll by reducing self esteem and taking charge.<P>All the while this has been going on she has led her H on....now she moved out on mothers day and her H is still going back and forth with her. She appareently talks to my H all day at work and in the evenings and also she calls her H during the day to complain about my H's procrastination with what.....dumping me completely (D) or having him move in with her...she has her H taking care of the kids and taking care of their house. she keeps telling him that he will always take her back whatever she does.<P><BR>My children have been devasted.. My eldest is depressed and is in counseling. This should be a great time for them. Instead they have had to ask questions I thought they'd never have to ask about love, loyalty, trust..... Knowing all of this sometimes makes me NOT want to work on this.<P><BR>But I keep telling myself this is an illness. and to try to be there. I unfortunatly do have my LB moments. Fear is something you probably have to conquer. <P>I have faced my greatest fears through this and here I still am......<P>So I have already grown...I thank God for that.....I also am a stay at home mom. I have a 5 year old who will be starting K next year. I will look for work. Unfortunately what I do would put me in their face. I may have to find something else for me to do if I stay.....<P>I am having a hard time in this house. I can't tell you what a different life i had prior to Nove. We were doing some additions...one being a pool, which luckily we didn't start...but It was a house that was full of love, my children were the highlight of my H's day.....he was very involved though he absolutely denies that today..... Everytime I listen to the garage door open I cringe, because we waited for that sound in the evenign when my H would come home.... <P>It seems impossible, doesn't it, that something like this could happen....I would have never imagined it of my H. I mean I know there had to be some needs I wasn't meeting but you would have never guessed it by the way my H treated me or I him.....<P>so I don't know....maybe she sucked him in long ago with her manipulation and he was keeping it under wraps and when D-day happened after the trip.....he just went nuts due to guilt.<P>He keeps telling me he hopes I will understand and forgive even though he can't explain it right now.....

Allison<P>I feel your pain.<P>I have gone through my H's leaving twice now.<P>As to your question about getting a job......<P>You might want to think really hard about doing this *right now* for a couple of reasons.<P>1) Your children (despite their ages they are still children) have just lost the daily involvement with their dad. The last thing they need right now is for the one parent that is still with them to become less available.<P>2)Are you able to get back into a field you once excelled in? Or are just looking for any old job to keep yourself busy? I'd be really careful if it isn't a job that has a future for you. If you have no current skills or wish to pursue a field you have no training in it might be best for you *not* to seek employment right now. As you were a SAHM your support will be set both in amount and time based on your not working the past how many ever years. <P>3) If you plan to return to school a full time class load will get you your degree quicker than part time studies. Your abilty to attend classes full time, with kids still to supervise, will be more difficult to attain (in terms of your support) if divorce happens. <P>I hope it doesn't come to D for you. <P>But if you get a little job, for now, it might end up being one that you can't give up because your support from your H will be based on your income. I'd hate to see you ringing a cash register the rest of your life, if you aspire to do something else.<P>I'm not saying you should be looking to screw your H over financialy. I'm saying look out for yours and your children's finacial futures. <P>I'm assuming your H wanted you to be a SAHM all these years. I guess if it was the right thing for you, in his eyes, to do all these years it shouldn't be any different now.<P>FC<BR>

I was a stay at home mom for 9 years when he left. I got a job 8 months later. I wanted to be with the girls at a time like this...provide them with some stability in the wake of all of this.<P>I was accused of "sitting" on my butt doing nothing by my stbx and his attorney.<P>They had it wrote in the papers that I would have to actively seek employment. I did....found a job that I worked only the school hours...and every other weekend. <P>My job has not affected my child support. I do not get very much right now anyway. I am suppose to be getting 241 a week...but I only get 150. a week. I felt sorry for him so that is all I asked for. <P>Of course he is living high on the hog now. In fact he is moving to a new apartment that costs approx. 300.00 more a month. Just had cosmetic work on his teeth....has 2 cars, both with payments....flew to Vegas.....bought all kinds of new furniture and electronic equipment.....but can't afford to feed the girls on visitation night and tells the girls..."your mom has all of my money".<P>Allison...do what you feel is right. If those children need you...stay home and make it work...cut corners....eat cheap...whatever you can do to be there for them. I am glad I did. They needed me....and I am happy I was there for them. If the children are showing signs of depression or anger...the best bet is to not make them think that you are abandoning them too. If you have no other choice but to work.....they will be fine and they will understand. My girls were "proud" of me for finding a job...they thought it was so neat.<P>Nancy

Allsion<P>What Mental said about Child Support, not being based on your possible income, is true.<P>I was addressing *Spousal Support* in my post.<P>Just wanted to make sure I was clear to you on this point.<P>FC<P>

Although my stbx has been paying the mortgage.....I do not receive spousal support either. On his income the total for spousal support and child support is suppose to equal 2600.00. With child support and house pmt together it is around 1600.00. <P>I was trying to be nice.....but that didn't work. Told my attorney we could get by. I didn't want him to be broke.<P>He played on my sympathy....said he would be living like he did fresh out of college.....no furniture.....no money....eating canned food....well it broke my heart, so I agreed to it at the preliminary trial.<P>Well he is now going to be living in a 900sq ft 1 bedroom apartment....2 cars.....drinking everynight......cable......2 car phones......every cd out ( he has over 100)...every new gadget...the best. All kinds of new clothes....shoes..etc.<P>Believe me...he is just fine....and it is us who have lived the way he described he would.<P>Nancy

Allison,<P>We are all here with you. I was the one to leave even though my wife had the affair. Leaving was very tough and tougher still because the OM lives across the street. Once I too realized that they could still see each other regardless of who moved out and I could do nothing to stop it, moving out became a little easier. I have my sons every other week and I just fininshed my fisrt week "alone". It was not as bad as I thought overall, but there were a few moments of total despair and futility. I spent some of the time with friends of mine that I have neglected over the past months and kept pretty busy. I know it will get easier as the summer wears on.<P>My wife argued orignally about how she whould be the one to stay in the house and I did the same. Shortly afterwards I also realized that if neither of us will likely be in the house by Christmas. If we divorce, we'll have to sell the house as neither one can "buy out" the other. If we reconcile, we'll have to move away from the OM. I don't think they are still seeing each other (as in being together) but I can not fathom how we can recover with him so physically near. So moving out will also prepare me for losing my house and I'll have a head start on building a new home for me and my sons.<P>As for you, will your H still pay the bills? Are you financially able to remain at home and take care of things there? If so, then the choice is yours. Getting a job may change things enough to help you but new jobs can be very stressful on you too. <P>Always remember that you are not alone. You have friends and family that care and you have everyone in here that also cares and shares your pain, resentment, anger, joy, hope, despair, sorrow, determination and love. Get into Plan A for yourself as well as your H. Find the woman and friend inside. YOU CAN DO IT! And you will feel much better soon.

Thank you all for your caring posts. My H is for now paying all the bills, and I have decided to give myself the summer with my kids to get myself sorted out.<P>I hope money does not become a big issue here. As of now we are OK, but his a commissioned salesman, and we do have ups and downs financially. I feel like if I work right now, I could bring in about enough to cover his rent. My kids need me right now, and I need them.<P>We moved into this house, tripling our house payments while his affair was going on. I didn't have a clue at that time about this whole mess. The thing is, I could have afforded our old house on my own with a decent job. No way can I live here if we divorce. It just breaks my heart for the true victims of infidelity...the children.<P>

Your situation sounds so similar to mine. My H was taken in by a controlling person. She would sit and rattle on hour after hour about herself. If I told my H about the little details of my life, he would fall asleep but she could go on and on while he listened attentively. Her H sounds similar too. A weak, dependent man who hasn't a clue what to do or the backbone if he did find a clue. Eventually my H woke up and sees her and her friends for the morally bankrupt people they are. He can't believe he was taken in by her now. Recovery is very rough. I had a terrible weekend and this morning was worse. I'm afraid I LBed big time. I too am a stay at home mom and plan to go back to work in the fall. I couldn't leave my d alone this summer. We don't need the money-I just need a career and to find me again. Hold on, pray, pray, pray, and Plan A. Romans 8:28