Well for those that dont know my situation..read my post under General questions.....Called BIG QUESTIONS.<P>Ok..today I show up at work and her/my car is there. I look around and see OM there but she isnt there. He works at same place as me. <P>Ok..now the car is registered in my name only(I was in the miltary..so by registering her car in my name only we didnt have to pay property taxes, cause I was not a resisdent of the state we were living in) <P>I am still paying insurance etc, and he is not on my policy. So I asked him why he was driving my car. I told him that he was not on my insurance and that I wanted the key to my car. He said that my wife gave him permission to drive it. I explained that it was my car and she could not do that and that I wanted the keys.<P>Was I wrong for that? I dont want to be responsible for this guy if he gets into an accident.<P>So I warned him if he didnt give me the keys I would call the police. He said go ahead, and I did. So the police get there and he makes up a story about how he doesnt have them and that she dropped him off and took his car. So the police leave and my wife shows up a little later very upset at me, for doing this and wants the me to move my truck( I blocked the car in so he couldnt just leave after the cops left)<P>I didnt want to just let her leave so I could explain to her what I did and why and that I dont want him driving the car. Well, she gets even more upset.starts being very hurtfull, saying things like I am an ******* and that this is why she is leaving me...(she actualy used the D word this time) She runs inside the office and calls the police back out there, buts it legally my car, so she would have to get a court order or some type of restraing order. i told her and the cops I would let her have the car back if she talked with me for at least 1/2 hour. She agreed.<P>I think that was a mistake...i wanted to use that time totry to explain why i did that, so maybe the LB wouldnt get drained as much. But she used this time to make me feel even worse, and to try to make me out to be the bad guy. <BR>I told her that I didnt like whaat she was doing, and that I hoped that someday she will snap out of this, and come to her senses, and despite all the pain she has put me through I still love her. Then I gave her the car. I know I love busted..she didnt want to talk to me at all, and I forced her too. However the whole time she was in tears and calling me an *******.<P>She tries to make this whole mess out to be my fault. Its not! But she makes me feel that way sometimes. When she pulled out she looked at me like..well I dont know SAD..and like she needed help...Maybe she is just really good at playing my feelings. I dont know. I think I did the right thing..but in the end what did it all accomplish? Her knowing that I dont want him driving the car and alot of LB by both of us. But was it still the right thing to do?<P>

vaforme...<P>You did the right thing. That OM had no business driving your car. Your W had no right even giving him the keys.<P>Can you imagine if he got in a accident or did something with your car? You would be responsible for whatever damages.<P>That OM sounds like a Loser to me. How come he doesn't have his own car??<P>Your W said those mean words to you out of anger. She knows that she is wrong and is getting defensive about it.<P>I would have called the police also. You did the right thing.....

vaforme,<P>Yes, you did the right thing, but it seems it may have gotten a bit out of hand. I don't have a ton of advice since I am just learning, but making your wife listen to you for half an hour seems a bit wrong. You knew at that point that you LB'd, even though you had to, and there was no way it was going to get better by forcing her to listen to you.<P>Now, give her some time to think about the situation. She probably will not let OP let have the car again, so you did accomplish a good thing there. She also knows she cannot walk all over you without consequences.<P>Remember, you can not teach her what she is doing wrong right now. She's not ready to listen. She has to work this out for herself and teaching is also a LB. Hang in there vaforme, this is so hard. Keeping your self-respect will be what makes you better and then you will be a better person when her senses return.

vaforme,<P>I hate to be the deliver of bad news...<P>...but <B>K</B> (Mr. LB on this forum) caught me doing this before I got the real hang of Plan A.<P>BTW: Yes... you were right...<BR>Now ask yourself... <BR>if the divorce comes...<BR>...and the judges also says... "yes... you were right... and here is your divorce paper to sign"<BR>...Is that what you really wanted?...<BR>...Is being the "right" the best measure of your actions?...<P>This <B>was</B> a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Buster</A> and a memorable one for her.<BR>Don't be too upset with yourself...<BR>...it will most likely happen again.<P>Your best course of action...<BR>...is to apologize to your W about it.<P>If the military polcy is to not allow the OM to drive the car... inform her of it... and of your liablity... if need be take it up with your military superiors as to how to handle a similar situation.<P>If your asking yourself...<BR>"is this the right thing to do"...<BR>...it probably isn't.<BR><B>Exception</B>... protecting you and your kids!... then this question doesn't even enter your mind!<P>Yes... the "doormat" issue comes up...<BR>Yes... the "self-respect" issue comes up...<BR>Yes... the issue of committing Plan A through the rest of marriage comes up...<P>Do check out my old <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011323.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101</A> post.<P>Don't let this upset you too much...<BR>...but get going on the apology.<P>I'm praying for you... a lot!<P> <P>Jim

ok....Im still wondering...Cause If this guy continues to drive the car and gets into an accident.. Im liable. So isnt that protecting myself? I am seriously thinking about gooing and getting the car so she CANT let him drive it. Also, Im really in a reverse Plan B, So i dont even know if it matters, and Im almost really starting not to care. <P>I keep finding out more and more bad information, and learning just how long this has beeen goign on. She has been deceptive a long time. I just dont know how much I even want to try anymore.<P>I keep thinking to my self for what? She has betrayed me, and not shown one ounce of remorse. Everyday, the true scale of her decetion becomes more evident. It's pretty sombering, for a lack of any other word. <P>Ohhhhh what do I do??????

vaforme,<BR> I read your BIG QUESTIONS and this one. I am sorry for your feelings. I am certainly not one to give advice. I am more on your W line. I am causing pain to my H which he in no way deserves.I am sure she never meant to hurt you. She is lost and probably does not like herself at all. It is easier to find someone new who you can start fresh with than endure the pain you enflict to someone you loved. Be thankful there are no childern. It only gets way more complicated with kids. Balancing what you want to do and what needs to be done for the kids sake. You were way right to stand ground about the car. As a military member you have a lot to lose. Don't ever jeorpardize all you have worked for.<BR>

vaforme, why would taking back your material property from OM be a Lovebuster? As I wrote earlier, if OM gets in an accident, or whatever, YOU will be the one liable for this.<P>How can this be a Lovebuster? Tell me, please.....<P>As privateshell wrote, "As a military member, why risk everything that you have worked for..." ...just so that OM can drive your car???<P>Do what you have to do to protect yourself.

I know..but I will be taking the car away from her also..she will have no transporation..but I guess that her fault not mine

I think you were right. You don't need to be responsible for the OM, just because she is willing to take that risk you shouldn't. <P>I don't know what you situation is if you are legally separated or what, but how about signing the car over to her and having her be responsible if something happens. <P>Just an idea.<P>

hmm...well no we arent even legally seperated, and both of our names or on the loan(im a cosigner)....and she doesnt have a job yet, so she wont even be able to get a loan for the car....i just dont know what to do..It could make me look bad also to a judge..i would think..I just dont. DAMN her for putting me in this position!!

vaforme,<P>Can you talk to someone at JAG about this? Maybe they can advise you... If there is an accident, I just wouldn't want you to be liable for damages.

I assume you have more than one car. Is there one that has no loan on it.. just sign that one over to her and tell her to get her own insurance on it as you refuse to be responsible for a c=vehicle that she is allowing someone else to drive. Than you use the car that has the note on it and you continue paying for it. That way, she still has transportation and you have solved your dilema about the insurance. I also liked the Jag idea... get some advice from someone who may be able to give you useful info.. that is why they are there.. to help you. On a side note, are you two in counseling? It is a hard lesson to learn.. but for those who are in the kidst of this crisis... do not ever force them into a situation where they have to talk to you.. it will not be productive.. ask for a date and time that you can mutually agree upon if there are things that absolutely need to be said... but sometimes you just need to learn to walk away and vent here instead of at her or at the OM.

yerah nikki you are right.. I shouldnt have forced her to talk to me...<BR>Unfortunalty, we do not have a vehicle that isnt Financed, we each have one. I got some legal cousel, and es I can legally do that(take her car away)..more than likely she will be able to get a judge to issue some tpye of order that I have to give her the car back because its her only mode of tranportation. So im in a very bad predicament.