I just found out my H was having an affair with a coworker. I am 71/2 months pregnant and losing it big time. I suspected the affair for about 1 month. Of course he denied everything, until about 5 days ago.<P>I filed for Legal Separation. He wants to try and work things out with me. We already have 3 children and the one on the way. I just don't see how this is going to work with him working with her. My mind is always thinking of him being with her, and his continuing to work with her. How am I supsose to believe that he will not see her again (in the sexual sense). How can he turn off what ever feelings he had for her overnight? Has anyone been in this situation before? I have put the Separation on hold and we are going into counseling.<P>He is out of town (military)for about 8 days, and purchased a calling card. Now am I supose to trust that he is not calling her. These are just some of the thoughts going through my head. He has picked a hell of a time to put me through this.<P>Can anyone help?????<P>------------------<BR>NotSure2K

NotSure2K,<P>I am so sorry. What a hell of a thing to find out anyway, let alone when you are pregnant....So you have 3 children and one on the way....what a blessing.<P>Are the children doing ok?<P>I know how badly you want to work on your marriage...not only for yourself, but for those wonderful children.<P>How do you know he bought a phone card? I agree that it would be hard to trust that he isn't calling her, but you have to trust again to start your healing process with him.<P>Please keep us posted. I am sure it will be very hard to just simply turn off feelings for the OW, but if he is honestly wanting to work on the marriage he will have no other choice. She must be totally gone from his "emotional" life before your marriage can work.<P>Good luck<P>Nancy

Dear Nancy<BR>He told me he was going to buy a phone card because it was cheaper than calling on our Long Distance. It makes sense, but I still think he could call her really easy. <P>I know I need to try and believe him, but it is so hard. I still can't believe he would do that to our family and myself.<P>My son(14) is doing ok. My daughter(12) is very angry at him. She says she will never trust him again. Our 4 year old doesn't really know anything.<P>I have been so stressed that my doctor has put me on Zoloft. I have lost about 8 pounds. The baby is ok, and they are watching me closely. <P>I know he feels bad for all this, esp when his family found out. I still can't help to wonder how addicted to her he really is, and if he can give her up completely.<P>------------------<BR>NotSure2K

NotSure,<P>It is truly devastating to find out that your spouse has betrayed you. <P>I have to tell you that I find it encouraging that he wants to work on things. Sounds to me that he is alittle clearer than some WS on this board (my H included)<P>Ya know! the way to trust him again!!!! PLAN A....which I know is hard with 3 kids and one shortly on the way....<P>I know how angry and hurt you are.....I am sorry for that pain and I share it with you, but have you sat down with him gently, like his friend and asked him about his needs... Now I know you may not feel too inclined to do this particularly when you have just been slapped in the face, but PLAN A........<P><BR>Fill his love bank, and if he is truly willing to work on the marraige I would immediately go to the POJA in the home section and copy it. <P>In fact, if you can do it...counseling with S.Harley would really help.<P>Again, I know how hurt and angry you feel. I am particularly feeling those emotions this week........I could rip hearts out tonight,. But, take a deep breath, think about the priorities here......To work on your marraige you must follow the MB principles without going past your line in the sand...(i threw that in...I suppose if the line were crossed you'd go to plan B)<P>Come to us with your anger....we will talk you through it.

Hi NotSure,<P>This is horrible. I know and so many others here know what you are going through. It will be the hardest thing. But, knowledge is power and you will find so much of it here. Read all you can about Plan A. I had to read it over and over again, but hopefully I am getting it now...and the thing is...it's not about getting him back or controlling him, it's about getting yourself through this.<P>Reading Surviving After the Affair helped me understand Plan A. Your H is messing up big time and he know it. You can not control what he does. I know, the phone card will drive you nuts, but the thing is..and this sounds cruel...you can not stop him from using that card to call her, no matter what you do. You can only get yourself educated on what you can do for yourself.<P>keep posting, it really helps.<BR>allison<BR>

Thanks for your posts and your caring.<BR>I know that I can't control his every move. But, I want to know if he really says what he means. I just don't know if I can get passed this or not. I think somthimes that I can, then I relive the whole thing and I then say to myself that I can't handle this.<P>I think the worst thing is I know they will be together at work, and since I really don't know what his feelings are for her that is the main thing. <P>I am so confused right now with my feelings. I want to bring our new baby in the world together, but I don't want to if I know she is where his head and heart is. <P>How honest is he going to be in counseling? Oh, what a mess. I have printed off Dr. Harleys info on Infedelity. I also printed off a copy and sent it with my H when he left for his military.<P>Another thing is...Friday night he was suspose to go to Jersey for his military. He called me and said that they cancelled their flight and he would be pulling his duty 1 hour away from here. He called me at 9:30pm and said he was going out with alot of people from his reserve. He said he might call me back, but didn't. He called last night and said they had to stay in a hotel off base. He told me that he paid cash for his room. I asked him why he didn't put in on his military charge card and he said it was easier to pay cash. He also said he didn't know if he would get reimbused for it. I found that a little strange. It is only an hour away from here, so I know she could go up there. I want to ask him about it, but I know that would be LB. Any suggestions?????<P>------------------<BR>NotSure2K

Notsure 2K<P>They will just drive you crazy with their comings and goings won't they? Take a deep breath hon, and try to recoup. <P>It's so hard when you have a feeling, and don't have any proof. I dug until I had proof...and that was what I needed to do. It drives you crazy though, playing detective, and makes me physically sick to do it. You do what you need to do for yourself. Some here can pretty easily let it go, which I admire. I knew I needed to hear the truth, but be careful, make sure you can handle it.<P>Can you get out of the house and take your kids somewhere fun for a day or two? I know it's asking a lot, considering what you're going through, but I find such strenght in being with my children that it helps me. School should be out there, right? Is there anyway you can get away, go to your parents, get some help with your kids and rest for a bit? Or have them come and stay with you for a bit? Just digging here for solutions for you to get through the next few days. I have leaned so heavily on my family and friends...including my new friends here at MB. I'm sure I couldn't get through this without them.<P>Keep writing here. It really does help.